


Before You Left - Joysé oneshot

by joyse_au



Category: BLACKPINK (Band), K-pop, Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, Blackvelvet - Freeform, Blackvelvet au, F/F, Heavy Angst, Joysé - Freeform, Joysé au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:26:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 72,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25821349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joyse_au/pseuds/joyse_au
Summary: “Time is not real. It is one of the most basic examples of something that is socially constructed. It is a human construct to help us differentiate between now and our perception of the past. The concept of time is simply an illusion made up of human memories. We collectively create the meaning of time—it has no predetermined utility until we give it meaning...within the blink of an eye, you became that meaning for me and within the same blink of an eye, you left me. Just like that, another year had flown by, this time without you by my side.”A story where Roseanne reminisces on her past relationship.
Relationships: Joysé - Relationship, Park Chaeyoung | Rosé/Park Sooyoung | Joy
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	1. Before You left (1)

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ:
> 
> Firstly, I would like to thank you for reading this work. It is the very first time I wrote and posted a work on AO3, and English is also not my first language, so I hope you will go easy on me.
> 
> Secondly, this is a one-shot, but since the word count is huge, AO3 wouldn't let me post this one-shot all at once, so I had to split it up in two parts.
> 
> Thirdly, I would like to note that this is a fanFICTION. Fiction =/= real life. In no way does this story depict these idols' real lives. So please keep this in mind. This fanfic talks about law, medical and politic related topics, but I am not a pro in these topics, especially in medical related topics.
> 
> Lastly, I wasn't able to give all the members of Blackpink and Red Velvet significant roles, but I tried to include them whenever I could. I really hope you don't mind that.

363 days. That’s exactly how long it has been since Roseanne’s life has drastically changed. 363 days since she lost, possibly, the best thing in her life or more like, the best person in her life. It was hard. Waking up and finding the courage to get out of bed was a daily battle. Though time kept moving forward, though the world kept moving, her life was put on a hold and she had little to no motivation to keep on going. Every night was the same routine. She’d just lie in her bed, stay awake all night, and think about **_her_** , think of all the moments they used to share. She would reminisce on the past, and tonight wasn’t any different.

_“So… it’s your birthday soon,” Roseanne hinted as she watched her lovely wife typing on her laptop. “Ah, yes it is,” She unenthusiastically responded._

_“Yah, can you at least try to sound excited about it? It’s not every day you get to turn thirty!”_

_“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” The older woman laughed, “You’re making me sound like an old woman!”_

_“You’re a very sexy old woman,” Roseanne reasoned. “Tell me what you want, and it’s not a question but an order.”_

_Her wife stopped typing down and smirked at her, “You.”_

_“Very funny,” the youngest between them sarcastically laughed._

_“Seriously though, what do you want? And I mean something you can hold and do something useful with.”_

_“Useful, huh?” a sneaky smile played on the older woman’s lips, causing Roseanne to gasp when realizing how wrong that sounded. “You’re such a perv!” She directed an accusatory finger towards her wife. “Hey, I’m just citing your words!” She lifted her hands in surrender, defending herself from the allegation. That didn’t help her though, Roseanne snatched the laptop from her lap and placed it on the coffee table. “Hey, give that back! I’m working on something important!”_

_“Not until you apologize, you perv!” Next thing you know, Roseanne was hovering over her wife, keeping her in place as she straddled her._

_“That’s kind of hard to do now” her wife breathed out, eyes never leaving Roseanne._

_“And why is that?” Their faces were just a few inches away from touching each other. “Because, suddenly you’re on top of me and there are a lot of things on my mind,” her wife whispered._

_“What_ **_kind_ ** _of things?”_

_“You know exactly what kind of things I’m talking about…”_

_“Hmm, I really don’t. I’m afraid you will have to show me.”_

That night was one of her most memorable nights. It was special. It was a moment she held dear to her heart. There were a lot of moments, a lot of things she’d hold dear to her heart. They promised each other forever… but she never returned and it only made Roseanne wonder, “Do you think of me too? Do you still think of me? Wherever the fuck you may be now…” It was just something above a whisper. She knew it was silly to wait for an answer. The other woman wouldn’t hear her from here, yet she still let the silence linger for a bit longer before sighing and saying, “Because I _still_ do…” 

She didn’t know for how long she’d been lying in her bed, staring at the ceiling. For nearly a year, she hadn’t been getting any decent type of sleep. Over the past few months, sleep became her biggest fear and enemy, and she had her own valid reasons. 

But she wasn’t a superhuman either, so eventually she allowed the weariness to knock her out, only for her alarm clock to start blasting, disrupting the dready quietude the next minute. Despite the exhaustion, Roseanne still attempted to pull through and sit up. She rested her back against the headboard, but she didn’t move any further than that. Instead, she just gazed at the void, blindly staring into the darkness of the room. Her phone didn’t stop blasting, but she couldn’t care less. 

That was until she ultimately grew tired of the same repetitive melody burning in her ears. She stretched her arm in an attempt to get her phone and turn the alarm off, but noticed 5 unread messages from her best friends, Lisa and Wendy or Seungwan.

**[FROM Lili - 07:06 AM]:**

good morning sleepy head x

**[FROM Lili - 07:14 AM]:**

enjoy yourself today, you deserve this day off x

**[FROM Wannie - 07:21 AM]:**

rise and shine babe <3

**[FROM Wannie- 07:24 AM]:**

make sure to eat something before heading out, love you <3

Honestly, she’d rather stay in bed and do nothing. Even finding the motivation to text her friends back was a challenge. Everything was a challenge. And she didn’t know for how much longer she could put up with it.

One of _their_ friends, Seulgi, was going to get married soon with her longtime girlfriend of three years, Sunmi. Fun fact, they met through Roseanne. Both Roseanne and Sunmi were lawyers from different firms. Roseanne introduced the two women to each other years ago. Seulgi and Sunmi had sent the invitations months ago. Roseanne’s initial reaction was to decline the invitation, but after a lot of pushing and whining from her best friends’ sides, she confirmed her attendance to Seulgi. She was genuinely happy for her, only, she had a lot of struggle expressing it.

_“I know you’re still dealing with- I mean, you don’t have to feel obligated to come. It would mean a lot to me if you did though, but at the end of the day it’s your choice. I fully understand your decision.” The older woman told her over the phone._

_“I’m sure of it, Seulgi-unnie.” Was she really? She didn’t know it herself._

_“Chaeyoung-ah…?”_

_It took awhile for her to answer. Her own voice betrayed her when it cracked a small ‘yes’._

_“Please take care of yourself.”_

_She knew everyone meant well, but she’s had to continuously hear those five words for almost a year now. She was starting to hate hearing them._

_“Always, unnie.”_

_It was silent on the other line._

_“Hey unnie?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_There was a question that had been bothering Roseanne for some time. It was right at the tip of her tongue. She was_ **_this_ ** _close to asking Seulgi, but something in her told her not to and so she didn’t. Maybe now wasn’t the right timing either. Maybe next time, when she would finally give in to her pride. So instead of voicing out her question, she said: “You take care of yourself and your soon to be wife. Tell Sunmi-unnie I said hi.” Just because she hated hearing those words didn’t mean she didn’t mean it when she said it to others, if that even remotely made sense._

_“Will do Chaeyoung-ah, bye.”_

_“Bye.”_

  
  


She woke back up from her daydream and stared at the device in her hands.

**[TO Lili - 08:59 AM]:**

sure i do… 🙄

**[TO Wannie - 09:02 AM]:**

good morning to you too eomma

She took a day off from her job to search for something nice to wear for Seulgi-unnie’s wedding at the mall today or more like, her friends pushed her to take a day off. But first, she still had to drop off some paperwork to her assistant for one of her client’s cases.

Finally, she found the strength to push the blankets off herself. She took a deep breath before her feet reached the cold surface. She didn’t know how she managed to do it, but the woman soon found herself in her large bathroom, just standing there and facing the awful creature in the mirror. She couldn’t recognize herself. Almost like the Roseanne she grew out to be was buried six feet under. Sure, she still joked around and she still tried to maintain her image, but the spark died out after **_she_ ** left.

The old Roseanne would’ve looked at herself in the mirror and given herself a small peptalk to get through the day. This Roseanne didn’t even bother to do so. Today would just be another meaningless day, just like yesterday and tomorrow wouldn’t change either. She was stuck in this never ending cycle, but she wasn’t complaining either. It was easier this way. Or so, that’s what she tried to make herself believe.

  
  


_“I_ **_already_ ** _agreed on going to the wedding, but do I really need to go out and buy myself a new dress? I have plenty of them already…” she sighed, hoping her friends would get off her nerves._

 _“Yes, you_ **_do_ ** _. Come on Chaeyoung-ah, you’ve been so isolated…” Wendy said._

_“Yeah,” Lisa continued, “when was the last time you even went out?”_

_And just like that, her temper got the best of her, “Right now?! For fuck’s sake, I’m right here! What more could you possibly want from me?!”_

_Her outburst caught a few people’s attention in the coffee shop. Nothing her best friends weren’t used to, but they knew exactly how to handle her. “Are you really? Because it just feels like you’re not actually here, Chaeng-ah…”_

_“Maybe because I didn’t want to be here in the first place, but you two drag me to this place every single week. I’m_ **_tired_** _.” The last word had a double meaning attached to it, only, she didn’t realize it._

 _“Tired of_ **_what_** _?”_

_“You two.”_

_“We just want you to talk…”_

_“There is nothing to talk about, okay?_ **_It_ ** _happened, life goes on, move on.” Well, wasn’t she the biggest hypocrite? Telling her friends the exact opposite of what she has been doing for these past twelve months._

 _“If life goes on, then why is it so_ _hard_ _for you to get out of your house then? Come on, you practically_ _just_ _admitted that Seungwan-ah and I have to drag you out of your house for a simple coffee… if life_ **_really_ ** _goes on like you say it does, you wouldn’t be here bitching around over this.”_

 **_Ouch_** _._

_“Well, I’m glad my emotions have been redeemed to something such as ‘bitching around’.”_

_“Chaeng-ah, you_ **_know_ ** _Lisa didn’t mean it like that, stop trying to purposely misinterpret this.”_

_Maybe her friends were right. She knew they had good intentions only. Her friends would never dare nor try to purposely hurt her feelings, but it was easier to act ignorant and not deal with it, than having to talk about how she was feeling. She had always been very stubborn after all._

_“All we want is for you to go out by yourself, clear your head, spend some quality alone time with yourself for a few hours… Trust us, it’ll do you good, especially around this particular_ **_period_ ** _.”_

_“You can’t keep avoiding leaving your house Chaeng-ah, you can’t keep living like this.”_

_“I_ **_do_ ** _leave my house.”_

_“You don’t leave your house unless it’s for your job.”_

_“I mean, the bills won’t pay themselves, am I right.”_

_“It’s not healthy…”_

_“I feel perfectly fine.”_

_“We’re talking about your_ **_mental health_** , _and let’s also not ignore that you’ve definitely looked better physically.”_

_“I’m just tired.”_

_“Then you must be tired_ **_every day_** _.”_

_“That’s how capitalism works.”_

_“Can you please stop beating around the bu-” Saved by the bell or likely, saved by the ringtone. Roseanne picked up her phone from the table and read the caller ID. It was her assistant._

_“I have to pick this up.” The woman dismissed herself and pressed the green button._

_“Yerim-ah, you’re calling at the right moment. What’s up?”_

Before she even knew it, she was already dressed up, ready to leave her apartment. She took the needed files, her car keys and walked out of her luxurious apartment. 

**[TO Kim Yerim - 09:47 AM]:**

I’ll be at the office in 10 minutes.

**[FROM Kim Yerim - 09:48 AM]:**

Okay Mrs. Park, I’ll make sure to prepare your coffee.

**[TO Kim Yerim - 09:48 AM]:**

How many times did I tell you to address me as ‘unnie’

**[FROM Kim Yerim - 09:49 AM]:**

I’m sorry, Mrs. Park. It will never happen again, Mrs. Park.

**[TO Kim Yerim - 09:49 AM]:**

Okay, now you’re just trying to get a reaction out of me

**[FROM Kim Yerim - 09:49 AM]:**

Did it at least work?

**[TO Kim Yerim - 9:50AM]:**

Maybe…

**[FROM Kim Yerim - 09:51 AM]:**

Good. I like you better with a smile anyway unnie :)

That last message genuinely brought a smile to her face. Sure, it might not have been the brightest smile, it didn’t quite reach her ears, but it was still a smile. She rarely ever smiled. Suddenly, Roseanne thought of _her_ smile.

_“Hey, where are you going? I thought we were going to grab lunch together?” Wendy asked, seeing the brunette walk a few steps ahead of them. “I can’t, I have this huge assignment due tonight. Will be unavailable all day long because I didn’t even start on it.”_

_“Yah, you’re super smart. Sure, you can afford twenty minutes out of your day to spend some time with us. I mean, look at our faces,” Lisa nudged Wendy, indirectly telling her to play along._

_“Yeah, Lisa’s right… look at us.”_

_The two of them expressed their best pouty faces, but it didn’t work. Roseanne laughed, “Don’t be sad, you’ll see me tomorrow.”_

_“You suck, come on Seungwan-ah!” Lisa took Wendy’s arm and dragged the petite girl with her away from Roseanne. Sure the Thai was the youngest out of the three of them, but damn she could really act like a toddler at times. “Good luck on your assignment!” Wendy managed to say before disappearing with Lisa._

_Roseanne slightly shook her head, and proceeded to get to the campus library. She got in the main hall by scanning her student ID card and walked towards the law department of the building in the right wing. Lucky for her, the place wasn’t as occupied as it usually would be. She liked it better this way. Peaceful._

_She headed to her favorite spot, or as she preferred to describe it, her study room. One table closed in by the book racks and the wall. Usually, she’d always be the only student here. Reason as to why it was her favorite spot. It was isolated from the other studious individuals, but today she was surprised to see another person in the ‘study room’. It was a girl, she looked about her age. Very elegant. So focused on whatever she was reading, she didn’t even notice Roseanne’s entrance. Her body was leaning against, or more like half-sitting, on the wooden windowsill. Wearing a long old fashioned skirt, but somehow she made it work. It defined her curves nicely. Call her cliché, but Roseanne felt like the other girl came straight out of a historical book. Her visual matched the setting’s aesthetic. Roseanne was never one to stare too long at a stranger, but there was something about the girl that hungered her curiosity._

_All of a sudden, Roseanne was met with a pair of pretty hazel brown eyes. She froze on the spot._

_“Joesong hayo (I’m sorry), this is probably your space? The librarian warned me you’d be here. The medical department was too full and hectic and I needed a quiet place. I didn’t want to use the table for if you’d show up, hence why I’m standing here. Ugh, I’m blabbering too much again. I’m sorry, I’ll just lea-” “No, I don’t mind your presence at all. And it’s not like I own this spot so you could’ve used the table, it’s spacious enough for two people.”_

_There was a silence between the two. Roseanne began feeling too self conscious, thinking maybe she said something wrong. But three seconds later the other girl’s expression softened and it wasn’t until the girl wore the brightest smile ever, that Roseanne had no choice but to smile back. The girl’s eyes engaged in the smile, almost disappearing, shaping moon crescents._

_“Oh God, thank you. I promise you, I’m only here for today though.”_

_Roseanne didn’t know why, but her heart slumped at the mention of ‘only here for today’._

_“Don’t worry, you’re always welcome here.”_

_And just when Roseanne believed the girl’s smile couldn’t get any bigger, the girl proved her wrong. Her lips grew wider, naturally causing Roseanne to do the same. The girl’s smile was contagious._

•

_It looked like the girl actually meant it when she said she’d only be there that one day. It had been two weeks and there was still no trace of the girl. A part of Roseanne wondered if the girl was even a student of their university. She definitely looked like one, but Roseanne had never seen her before and she seemed to have disappeared right after their encounter in the library. Nowhere on campus did she come across the girl. Another part of her wondered if she didn’t imagine the girl. Thinking back, she was so captivated by the girl’s visuals. She was too beautiful to put into words. Like an angel. What if she wasn’t even real?_

_“Yah, what’s wrong with you?”_

_Roseanne was brought back to reality when Wendy snapped her fingers in front of her._

_“Huh?”_

_“Chaeng-ah, is everything okay with you? Are you feeling sick?” Lisa worryingly placed the back of her hand on Roseanne’s forehead, trying to feel her temperature._

_“Yah, fuck off! I’m not sick!” She pushed away her Thai friend._

_“Well, can you blame me? You’ve been zoning out a lot lately, we’re worried.” Wendy nodded her head in affirmation._

_“I’m perfectly fine, so you two can stop worrying.”_

_“Are you really?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Then can you please explain to us why you’re drinking your soup with a fork?” Wendy pointed out._

_Roseanne looked back and forth between the utensil in her hand and her two friends. It seemed like at that very moment the universe was scheming against her, because a very familiar figure walked through the door of the student cafeteria._

_The library girl._

_This time accompanied by another girl. Was it weird to feel envious of the girl she was holding hands with? They could be best friends for all she knew, but the lack of personal space bothered Roseanne more than it should’ve. Heck, she didn’t even know the girl’s name to begin with. They only talked once in the library which was two weeks ago, but apparently that was enough to leave an impact on Roseanne. She was hoping so hard to see_ **_her_ ** _again._

_The library girl seemed like she was looking for a free spot for her and her friend. Honestly, her friend didn’t look like she wanted to be there. She kept pulling the library girl’s hand, trying to drag her to the exit, but the library girl was stronger and too unbothered to listen to her friend._

_Roseanne couldn’t keep her eyes off them, or off the library girl to be precise. There was something about the girl that swept her off her feet, but maybe staring at the girl was a mistake because she suddenly looked Roseanne in the eye and the latter died on spot._

_‘What to do?’_

_The library girl broke in a smile, followed by a fit of laughter. She was laughing at Roseanne and Roseanne almost smiled back, until she realized what the library girl was laughing at. The brunette girl was still holding the fork in her hand. Fuck._

_If this wasn’t embarrassing…_

_“Wait, where are you going this time? You didn’t even finish your soup?”_

_“I just remembered that I never clicked on ‘upload’ for a task I had to work on,” the blackhaired girl said in a rush, avoiding eye contact with everyone, especially with the library girl. Knowing how hot her face was starting to feel, her face must’ve looked as red as a tomato. “But I thought you already sent it in? I was with you when you uploaded it?” Wendy asked, confused at her friend’s weird behavior._

_“I’ll just see you guys later, I really have to get going.” She didn’t even bother to put her tray away, she took one of the exits without stealing another glance at the library girl._

_• two months later •_

**[From Lili - 06:38 PM]:**

_Ugh I don’t wanna go back :((_

**[From Wannie - 06:39 PM]:**

I can’t wait to come back xD I’m very excited for what this semester has in store for us

**[From Roseanne - 06:41 PM]:**

Of course you are >_<

**[From Wannie - 06:41 PM]:**

Aishh come on y’all, it’s gonna be very fun! When do you guys arrive?

**[From Lili - 06:42 PM]:**

My flight is tomorrow morning so I’ll arrive on campus in the late afternoon

**[From Roseanne - 06:42 PM]:**

I arrived on campus this morning, please come back soon it’s boring here :(( how about you Wan?

**[From Wannie - 06:43 PM]:**

My flight is in an hour so I’ll arrive tomorrow in the late afternoon too 

**[From Roseanne - 06:44 PM]:**

Can’t believe y’all are letting me rot here :((

**[From Lili - 06:44 PM]:**

Don’t be sad, I’m sure there’s other people on campus too. Make new friends :D

**[From Roseanne - 06:45 PM]:**

Pass

**[From Lili - 06:45 PM]:**

Booooooo _🍅🍅🍅_

**[From Wannie - 06:45 PM]:**

^

**[From Roseanne - 06:45 PM]:**

I’ll go for a jog… how does that sound?

**[From Wannie - 06:46 PM]:**

Now that’s more like it ;)

**[From Lili - 06:46 PM]:**

Athletic girls >>> :p

**[From Roseanne - 06:46 PM]:**

Y’all are so annoying lmao bye

_It was mid-August and Roseanne just returned from her vacation in Australia where she had spent a month off with her family. It was nice to be back, despite their current family situation, especially because she didn’t get the chance to go back there so often._

_The girl moved to South-Korea at the age of twelve to attend an international boarding school. That’s how she met her best friends Lisa and Wendy, and you could pretty much say she was very glad that their friendship was still going as strong._

_“Let’s go and be healthy,” the girl huffed while tying her shoelaces._

_Despite it being past seven o’clock, the sun was still out for its last few hours. Its rays radiated so much warmth, you could easily fall asleep. But that wasn’t what Roseanne came here for. She came here for a little jog on the campus. The cool summer breeze slightly tousled her hair, but it was nice._

_One of her favorite songs came on shuffle, naturally causing her to smile._

_Young ambition_

_Say we'll go slow but we never do_

_Premonition_

_See me spendin' every night with you_

_Oh, yeah, under the kitchen lights_

_You still look like dynamite_

_And I wanna end up on you_

_Oh, don't need no place to go_

_Just put on the radio_

_You know what I wanna do_

_She took in the peaceful scenery while her feet dragged her around the campus at a slow pace. The music blasted in her ears and she even made an attempt to sing along with most songs, it’d help her control her breathing._

_She didn’t get to do this as often since most of the time the campus would be overpopulated, making it impossible for her to. But this was perfect. The area was almost as good as empty, most students would come back tomorrow just like Wendy and Lisa._

_After a good half hour she slowed down her steps, transitioning into a stroll. Her music was still playing so loudly to the point that she didn’t even hear someone call her out. At the sudden action of someone touching her shoulder, the redhead jumped, holding her hand over her heart, “Fuck!”_

_“Oh my god, I didn’t mean to scare you off like this I’m so sorry!” The other person quickly apologized. The voice… it sounded so familiar. Roseanne paused the music by tapping on her airpods and turned around, only to be met with the last person she expected to see, the library girl._

_“Oh, third time’s a lucky charm, I’m finally seeing you again! I mean, not like I’ve been dying to see you and not like I don’t_ **_want_ ** _to see you either, it’s just that I haven’t really seen you around. Oh god, I probably sound creepy, I swear I haven’t been looking for you-” Roseanne almost wanted to laugh. The library was really cute when she was nervous like that. “It’s just… is this yours?” The girl showed her a shiny metal object by holding it by its hanger, it was her key. It must’ve come off while she was running. “I eh, I think I saw it fall off while you were running and tried to catch up to you, damn you’re fast.”_

_“Oh, yes it’s mine. I’m so sorry I made you run after me, it mustn’t have been easy to run around in this fit,” Roseanne subtly checked the girl out from head to toe and bit her lip. “Ahhh, that’s okay. A little bit of physical input doesn’t hurt. I should probably take notes from you and start running too.”_

_Roseanne avoided eye contact with the girl as she let out a chuckle, “I don’t exactly do this either, but since the campus is quite deserted, I thought it’d be nice to jog for a bit.”_

_“Yet the thought to go out for a jog still crossed your mind, so props to you for that.”_

_The two college students laughed. The library girl realized she was still holding Roseanne’s key, “Oh here, before I forget to give it to you.”_

_“Thank you, I probably would’ve been locked out all night outside my dormitory if it weren’t for you.”_

_“Don’t worry about that, the janitor has a magical key that opens every dormitory room on campus, but you’re welcome.”_

_“A magical key?” Roseanne laughed, “So I suppose you’ve been locked out of yours before?”_

_“I don’t reside on campus so no, but my best friend has been locked out of her dorm a good amount of times. Usually her roommate is there to open for her, but whenever she isn’t she has to call the janitor. She’s the girl I was with last time I saw you, her roommate is one of the girls you were with.”_

_One of the girls she was with? It must’ve been Lisa because Roseanne and Wendy shared a dorm together. So you meant to tell her, Lisa and the library girl’s best friend had been roommates all school year long and she had no clue?_

_“Oh wow, I had no idea.”_

_“Small world, right?”_

_“Yeah, definitely… so you’re not residing here? That explains why I haven’t seen you around.”_

_Fuck. She probably shouldn’t have said that._

_“So, you’ve been looking out for me?”_

_“Absolutely not!” Roseanne shook her head, trying to save herself from the embarrassment. She already embarrassed herself before around the library girl. Never again._

_“Funny how we’re both denying what we both secretly have been doing,” the library girl said. “I lied… I actually_ **_have_ ** _been wondering about you, especially since you kind of hastily left last time. I thought I had done something wrong.”_

_“Wait, really?”_

_The library girl nodded her head._

_“Ahh no, I just got embarrassed when you saw me with that fork and the bowl of soup, I_ **_had_ ** _to get out of there.” That scene would forever be stuck in her memory._

_“Well, you looked very cute if I may say.”_

_“I looked like an idiot,” the two girls weren’t even aware of the fact that they were walking side by side._

_“A very cute idiot.”_

_They shared a laugh, followed by an awkward silence. Roseanne tried to think of something interesting to say, she actually enjoyed talking to the library girl, but she couldn’t think of anything._

_Luckily, the girl spoke up first, “And to answer your previous question, I don’t reside here because I have my own apartment twenty minutes from here. I actually take the bus every day to get here.”_

_“Oh, isn’t that tiring though?”_

_“Yeah, sometimes it is. Especially when I have to wake up earlier than others, but then again it’s kind of nice to have your own place.”_

_“It compensates,” Roseanne added._

_“You read my mind,” the girl said, smiling so big at Roseanne._

_The two girls just walked around, enjoying each other’s company. Roseanne wasn’t one to feel comfortable around new people, but this felt so much different._

_“I love your new hair color by the way, I nearly didn’t recognize you, but you have quite an unforgettable face.”_

_‘Is she flirting with me? Or is she just trying to be nice to me?’ Roseanne thought to herself._

_“That’s a compliment, right?” She nervously chuckled._

_“Of course, you’re a very beautiful girl.” Roseanne had heard those words from random boys and girls before, but this one hit differently. She was quite flustered with the compliment._

_“Thank you, and you’re beautiful as well.”_

_“You’re just saying that to be nice,” the library girl playfully nudged Roseanne’s arm with her elbow, almost as if they’ve been friends for years._

_“That too, but seriously though… you’re really beautiful, especially when you smile.”_

_“Why, thank you!”_

_They spent the rest of the evening just talking outside, until the sun was slowly starting to set. Golden hour. Roseanne observed the girl next to her. Her tanned skin was gleaming. So different from when they were in the library. She actually looked very pale in the darkness of that ‘study room’, as white as snow. But the sun did the exact opposite, revealing the girl’s real beauty, and Roseanne was very mesmerized._

_“I guess this is my cue to leave. I have a dog to feed,” The library girl said once the two girls found themselves at the main entrance of the campus._

_“You have a dog?” Roseanne excitedly asked. She loved animals._

_“My neighbors’ dog. They went on a trip so I promised to take care”_

_“Oh, I see…”_

_“Yeah…” The library girl granted Roseanne a look in the eyes, and just like the very first time, the latter froze._

_Was it possible to develop feelings for someone you just met?_

_“Now, I better get going before I miss my bus.”_

_“Wait, what were you doing on campus if classes don’t start until the day after tomorrow and if you don’t reside here?”_

_“I was here to see my best friend I told you about. She had something quite interesting to tell…”_

_“Right… Well, I won’t be holding you back any longer. You should probably go catch your bus. I’ll see you again sometime?” She hesitatingly questioned the girl, hoping for a ‘yes’._

_A smile played on the girl’s lips, “Definitely!”_

_And that’s all Roseanne needed to hear. The library girl started distancing herself, walking towards the bus stop outside the campus._

_Roseanne watched the girl’s every step, until she fully disappeared from her eyesight._

_All of a sudden, something hit Roseanne._

_“How the_ **_fuck_ ** _did I manage to talk to her all evening long without even finding out her name?”_

_She forgot to ask the girl’s name._

_“I’m so fucking stupid, what the fuck?”_

  
  


**_@roses_are_rosie_ ** _: roseanne zero brain cells, I think_

**_@lalalalisa_m_ ** _:_ **_@roses_are_rosie_ ** _lisa agrees, I think_

  
  
  


But it seemed like the third time really was a lucky charm, because the library girl she used to gush over ended up being her wife, sadly, not for a very long time.

“I miss you so much…” Roseanne whispered, but once again, what was the point of saying that when the woman would never hear her from here.

She parked her car right in front of the building of the law firm she worked at and held the files right under her arm. She took the elevator to the fifth floor and walked straight to her office, where she found her designated paralegal and assistant, Kim Yerim.

“Good morning, Mrs. Park. Damn you look awful, is everything alright?”

“Yerim-ah, how many times do I have to tell you that pointing out how awful someone looks is rude? And please, call me ‘unnie’, you make me sound like a hag...”

“I got you, Mrs. Park.”

Roseanne rolled her eyes and dropped the files on the younger woman’s lap, “I need you to organize these cases by subject matter by Monday morning.”

“Monday already? That’s a lot of work…”

“That’s what you signed up for, now stop complaining and get to work.”

“Yes, Mrs. Park.”

The younger one liked to tease Roseanne. Almost like a little sister teasing their older sibling. Roseanne would be lying if she were to say her interactions with Yerim weren’t the highlights of her days sometimes.

“You still didn’t answer my question though, is everything alright, unnie?” She would never get used to the younger woman’s ability to change her behavior so fast. Just a few seconds ago she was an annoying sibling, right now she was a friend who was truly concerned.

“Yes, just tired. Didn’t get enough sleep, that’s all.”

Roseanne saw how Yeri wanted to say something, but the younger woman stopped herself when she saw the daggers in Roseanne’s eyes. The latter didn’t like to talk about her personal life, especially between these four walls, and Yeri respected that. But she’d always make sure Roseanne was okay, it was the thought of being asked if she was okay that mattered.

“By the way, Mr. Gwon called me to say he wasn’t happy with the judgement and wants to go in appeal, I’m gonna need you to contact the court to send in an appeal within thirty days.”

“But you won the case? Wouldn’t going in appeal risk it all and leave him with nothing?”

“That’s what I told him, but you know how men are. Never satisfied with anything.”

“That, I can agree with.”

“I’ll just have to prepare well for this case.”

“You’re one of the best lawyers in this firm, unnie. I’m sure you’ll win this case again.”

“I better, this is millions we’re talking about. I think my head is going to explode.”

“You’ve been working a lot, unnie. I think this day off is very much needed.”

“You’re sounding like Wendy and Lisa, I don’t like it.”

“They’re right though, you’re such a workaholic unnie, taking a day off will actually do you so much good. I don’t even think I’ve ever witnessed you taking a break ever since I joined the firm.You’re constantly working, that’s really not healthy.”

“It’s going to mess up my biorhythm.”

“It really won’t. Now please, take your coffee and enjoy your day.” The younger woman shoved the cup of coffee in Roseanne’s hand, and led her out of her own office.

“I don’t think there’s anything enjoyable about shopping for a new dress.”

“Well, that’s just too bad.” 

Yeri pressed the elevator and pushed Roseanne inside, “Send photos of your dress, bye!” She waved Roseanne off right before the doors closed.

“I can’t stand that kid,” Roseanne muttered.

But it was a lie. Everyone liked Yeri, Roseanne included. She definitely made the working space youthful again with her childlike energy.

**[FROM Kim Yerim 10:11 AM]:**

_I mean it unnie, send photos of the dress you’re going to wear!_

**[TO Kim Yerim 10:12 AM]:**

_Yes, halmeoni_

The woman got in her car and drove herself to the mall, much to her dismay. Her hand approached the radio controls, and she pressed on the ‘on’ button. She slightly tapped her fingers along to the rhythm of the song playing. Airplanes by B.o.B, truly a classic. You must’ve been from another universe if you had never heard the song before.

_‘And it seems like yesterday it was just a dream_

_But those days are gone_

_They're just memories_

_And it seems like yesterday it was just a dream_

_But those days are gone_

_All right…_ ’

Those lyrics triggered another flashback of the past.

_“Whatcha doing?” Roseanne heard someone behind her whisper into her ear._

_She took her eyes off her textbook and turned around to be met with the library girl. It had been three months since their encounter on the campus, and you could say the two girls grew a very close platonic friendship over the time. Roseanne got to learn a lot of new things about her new close friend. She had two younger sisters, was raised musically as she played the piano and sang from time to time, fluent in multiple languages and studying to become a doctor._

_“I think someone has been watching a Phineas and Ferb episode too many,” Roseanne managed to chuckle, referring to Isabella’s character._

_“Maybe I wouldn’t have if you weren’t so glued to your textbooks all the time. I think I’m slowly starting to get jealous of some pieces of paper…” The girl was older than Roseanne, yet she could act like the youngest sometimes. Roseanne wasn’t complaining though, she liked it. The library girl was almost like a child craving attention from their mom. “Unnie, don’t be so dramatic. You have_ **_plenty_ ** _of friends on this campus.”_

_“None of them are you though…”_

_At moments like this, Roseanne didn’t know if the girl was being serious and actually flirting with her or if she was just being playful. Usually she had an idea about people’s sexuality, but this felt different. The girl was naturally charming and bold, so it was hard to tell if she was into girls as well or not. Nevertheless, Roseanne hadn’t had the guts to come out to her friend yet, mainly because she was crushing on her friend._

_“I don’t think your best friend will be happy hearing that.”_

_“I don’t think she would mind.”_

_“Whatever,” Roseanne chuckled, “so what are you doing here? I thought you didn’t have classes today?”_

_“I don’t, but I was bored at my apartment and missed you so I’ll just wait until you finish studying so I can take you out for lunch.”_

_“Is that a date?” Roseanne smirked._

_“Unless you want it to be one?” She boldly said, followed by a giggle a few seconds after. This was exactly what Roseanne meant when she said she couldn’t tell if the girl was joking or not. Her friend was_ **_the_ ** _definition of straight girls acting gay as fuck._

_“I’ll wait for you downstairs, little one,” she patted Roseanne’s head before making her way out of the ‘study room’, leaving Roseanne confused._

_“I’m still taller than you though…” Roseanne mumbled, but the library girl had already left._

•

_Roseanne’s friend took them to a lunch bar outside the campus. “I don’t know about you, but you look real fucking depressed. Is everything alright?” Roseanne’s friend asked her as she took out her chopsticks out of the packaging._

_“Is it that obvious?” Roseanne took her eyes off her plate and at her friend instead._

_“Very obvious, you’re good?”_

_She shrugged her shoulders, “I had a call from my sister this morning…”_

_“Alice, right?”_

_Roseanne nodded her head._

_“What did she say?”_

_“My parents are officially getting a divorce.”_

_The older girl gasped, “Holy shit, I’m so fucking sorry? Are you okay? Ah, what kind of question- of course you’re not, ugh I speak too much.”_

_Roseanne couldn’t hide the smile playing on her lips, “You’re so cute.”_

_“Thank you…”_

_‘God, her smile,’ Roseanne thought.._

_“…but this isn’t about me or my cuteness. This is about you and your wellbeing, are you okay?” Roseanne felt the shivers when her friend put her hand on her knee. “I- I mea-mean I’m not actually surprised,” she slightly stuttered when her friend started rubbing her thigh. “We all kind of saw it coming, especially since they kept fighting every single day last time I went back home. It just sucks that it has to be now… the academic year is ending in a month and I was really looking forward to going home for Christmas and New Years Eve, but with all of this going on, I think I’ll just stay here.”_

_Her friend excessively shook her head, disagreeing with Roseanne, “Absolutely not. You’re out of your mind.”_

_“My sister’s gonna be helping my mom out a lot, so going back to Australia is not an option.”_

_“Spending your holidays alone is not an option either.”_

_“I mean, a lot of people do…”_

_“That doesn’t make it okay,” the older girl argued._

_“ I appreciate your concern, I really do, but it’s okay. It’s not like I’m going to die from solitude.”_

_“But Christmas break is a month and a half long, imagine spending such a long time on an empty campus.”_

_“Well,_ **_you_ ** _got an idea?”_

_“Actually, **I** do.” _

_“Spill,” Roseanne said, curious to find out what was going on in her friend’s head._

_“Come with me.”_

_“Where?”_

_“Home. My family’s house. I’ll be spending my time there for three weeks then I’m returning to my apartment, I think you should come with me.”_

_“Uhm I don’t know, I wouldn’t want to be an intruder in your family reunion…”_

_“Aigoo, come on! You’re one of my few favorite people, I bet they’re going to love you more than they love me! I doubt they even love me!”_

_“That’s a reach, you’re very lovable.”_

_“Which is_ **_why_ ** _I_ **_need_ ** _you to come with me to prove my family the opposite of what they’ve been thinking. Besides, I’m really going to need someone to stand up for me when they all decide to gang up on me.”_

_‘Not the pouty eyes, please not the pouty eyes.’_

_Roseanne had to look away from her friend, knowing she’d immediately give in if she looked a second longer, “I’ll think about it.”_

_“Omo, jinja?!”_

_The latter smiled and nodded her head, “Yes_ **_really_** _, but only if you stop looking at me like that.”_

_“Looking at you like what?”_

_There she was, doing it again._

_“Exactly like_ **_that_** _.”_

_Her friend exploded in a fit of laughter. “Is this your way of telling me I have an effect on you?” She teased, followed by a lip bite._

_Was it just Roseanne or was it slightly getting heated in the room?_

_“You give yourself too much credit,” the redhead tried to play off, rolling her eyes._

_“Whatever,” her friend rolled her eyes in a playful manner, “I’m never buying you food ever again.”_

_“Awww, did I hurt my dearest unnie’s feelings?”_

_“Your dearest?”_

_“My dearestestest even.”_

_“Aigoo, you’re so silly! I love you!” It was only amicable, but those three words made Roseanne’s heart skip a beat._

_“I love you too, unnie.”_

_“You better, now let’s eat! I’m starving.”_

_“Yes, ma’am.”_

Once the flashback ended, she looked at her surroundings, realizing she already made it to the underground parking lot. It was packed, but she managed to find an empty spot. 

“Just find your stupid dress,” she mumbled to herself before stepping out of her Mercedes. She didn’t come to this place a lot. Why would she when online shopping was so much more effective and timesaving? But she promised her best friends she would try to make the best of it, so that’s what she came to do.

“Yeah right,” she sneered.

She walked among the mass of people, many couples walking hand in hand, acting lovey-dovey, it made her feel sick. If the universe was trying to remind her how miserable and lonely she was, then it was definitely working. She couldn’t blame them either. Christmas was in only a couple of days, so obviously people would come here with their significant others. The timing was just wrong. Very wrong. But what was she supposed to do? Tell everyone to wrap it up and go home because she was miserable? Because she didn’t know how to move on? She could, but that wouldn’t work, and she’d just appear like a crazy person who escaped the institution.

She walked into the first store where she was kindly greeted by one of the store employees. She roamed around, but couldn’t find anything that caught her eye. Partly because everyone was all up in her face, invading her personal space.

“I hate it here…”

She turned around putting all her weight on her heel, ready to leave the store and move on to the next one, until she felt a slight tap on her shoulder. 

“Excuse me, you kind of looked lost so I was wondering if you needed help finding something?” It was the same employee who greeted her.

“Ah no thank you, I was just looking around.” 

“Are you sure? You kind of looked frustrated so I just wanted to help? It’s my job after all.” She didn’t like the way he kept on insisting, especially because of how he winked at her. 

_‘Cocky much?_ ’

“Yes, I am very sure, now if you would please allow me to leave this store in peace, that would be very thoughtful of you.”

“A beautiful woman’s wish is my command.”

Yeah, she didn’t find his remark a bit funny. But she knew better than to start a scene over a stupid remark so instead, Roseanne grunted and made her way out of the store. Another reason why she favored online shopping, she didn’t have to deal with corny employees. She didn’t have to deal with anything or anyone at all. 

The next store wasn’t as busy as the first one, though still too hectic to her liking. She caught a glimpse of a few nice dresses, yet not nice enough to consider trying them on. Especially when noticing how long the line of the fitting room was. You see, shit like this didn’t exist when online shopping. You just ordered your clothes and if it didn’t fit, you returned it. Easy. 

“Next store I guess…”

She didn’t know how much time passed by, but her body was worn out, her footsteps were slowing down and she just wanted to go back to her apartment, but she had yet to find something to wear. And she knew Wendy and Lisa would be on her ass, telling her she didn’t put in ‘enough effort’, they’d probably make her come back to this place again. She could just walk into the next store and purchase the first random dress her eyes would land on, but she would like to **_not_ ** look like a clown at Seulgi-unnie’s wedding.

“Please let me find something here, anything…” Roseanne mumbled when she entered the billionth store today, _Yves Saint Laurent_. It was rather neat and not chaotic, just the way she liked. Now let’s hope she would actually find something she’d like too. She looked around for minutes, yet it felt like hours. Her head was feeling heavy, and she was so close to giving up.

“I think this would fit you very nicely, ma’am,” Roseanne heard someone say. She turned around, finding a man, not younger than midthirty, holding a simple yet elegant black dress. Innocent. Classy. Exactly what she needed.

“How did y-”

“I noticed you looking for dresses and thought I would save you some time.”

Maybe the universe wasn’t scheming against her after all?

“Do you want to try it on?”

She smiled at him, “Uhm yeah sure, why not?” He handed her the piece of clothing and she guided herself towards the fitting room. She closed the curtain and undressed herself. The mirrors in the small cabinet were clearer than hers in her apartment. Partly because she was too depressed to even clean her apartment and wouldn’t allow any stranger, such as a cleaning lady, in yet. In fact, the mirrors were so clear that she could see all of her flaws, every little detail. There was no denying that she drastically changed in the span of almost a whole year. 

Yerim really didn’t lie when she said she looked awful, and her best friends didn’t lie either when they told her she’s definitely looked better physically before. She was very much aware of it, but she would deny and try to avoid it for as long as possible, because one thing would lead to another, in this case talking about her physical appearance would lead to having to talk about her mental state which would result into having to talk about **_her_** , and she wasn’t ready to have that conversation, at least not yet. She didn’t think she would ever be fully ready to have that conversation. Thinking about **_her_ ** already hurt enough, she couldn’t ever imagine actually talking about **_her_**.

She tried on the dress and reopened the curtain. The same man gasped once Roseanne walked out, clasping his hands together. “Magnifique!” He expressed in a very thick French accent. “I think with these, you’ll totally steal the show!” He switched back to his perfect Korean as he held a pair of YSL Opyum heel sandals, the newest collection. They were gorgeous.

“Well, I’m not exactly attending a wedding to steal the show, but these are so gorgeous… can I try them on?”

“Of course!”

And so she did. They complimented her dress nicely. “I’m purchasing it,” she said, satisfied enough with how she looked. She went back to the fitting room and reappeared in the same clothes she left her apartment with, but not before snapping photos of herself and sending them to Yeri. The latter would’ve never forgiven her otherwise. Roseanne gave the clothes to the man who was now standing behind the cash desk. 

As he scanned the items, Roseanne looked outside of the store. It seemed like the mall was getting fuller and fuller by the hour. Thank God, she wouldn’t have to stay here longer. She’d just have to pay for this, then finally, she could go to her apartment. Her eyes remained on the mass of people outside the store, when all of a sudden a familiar face caught her attention. A very familiar face she hadn’t seen in almost a whole year, but it couldn’t be? **_She_ ** left… **_she_ ** couldn’t possibly be back? It was impossible, yet there **_she_ ** was, looking livelier than ever before. Once **_she_ ** turned her head and made eye contact with Roseanne, everything else seemed so distant, like the first time again Roseanne laid eyes on **_her_ ** . Roseanne couldn’t read **_her_ ** expression. Was **_she_ ** confused to see Roseanne? Was **_she_ ** happy? Angry? Roseanne couldn’t tell, like at all.

“Miss? Hello? Excuse me? Miss?” 

She had to break away from their eye contact, against her will, and looked at the man instead, “Excuse me, I just have to see someone. Here’s my credit card, I just quickly have to do something.” Clearly, she was acting on her impulses. No one would trust a total stranger with their credit card, but **_this_ ** was far more important to Roseanne. She **_had_ ** to go see **_her_ ** from up close. She **_had_ ** to go speak to **_her_ ** . She scanned the mob of people, but couldn’t spot **_her_ ** anywhere anymore. She **_never_ ** should’ve looked away, it only brought back those very bad memories. 

How the fuck was she supposed to find **_her_ ** in this crowd? Roseanne was starting to feel very anxious as people kept bumping into her. Breathing became a struggle as it felt like her brains weren’t getting enough oxygen. Her pulse had reached to her head, pounding loudly and obnoxiously. She buried her face in her palms, as if that was supposed to help her.

“Miss, is everything okay? Do you need water?” It was the man from the YSL store. Roseanne couldn’t see him, but she could recognize his voice. She slowly separated her fingers, creating small peepholes for her to look through. “Do you want me to call someone for you? You should probably sit down. I have…” It seemed like when she would try and focus on one sense, the other sense would weaken and fail to work as she was trying to observe her surroundings, but the voice of the man faded away. She couldn’t make out what he was saying, she was too caught up in trying to process the situation. The man led her back to the store, where he made her sit down on a stool.

“Is everything alright, ma’am?”

Was everything alright? After what just happened? She had no idea.

“Do I need to call someone for you?”

She shook her head.

“Do you need water?”

She shook her head again.

“I eh- I think I’ll just pay for my dress and leave.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah…”

The man stopped insisting, knowing his boundaries unlike the first store clerk she came across a few hours ago. She paid for her clothes with her credit card that had actually stayed in her wallet untouched, despite her telling him earlier to just put it on her card.

“Enjoy your day, and I know it’s not my place to say so, but please take care of yourself, ma’am.”

 _‘Please take care of yourself,’_ how many more times would she have to hear those words again? One more time and she would actually flip and go full psycho mode. 

“I will, thank you. Have a great day.” She still had manners.

“You too, ma’am.”

Soon, Roseanne was back in her car. Ready to head back to her apartment, but her phone buzzed before she could start the car. She checked the caller's ID and rolled her eyes, “What do you need?”

“Well damn, good afternoon to you too, ma’am.”

“I’m tired, what do you need?”

“Did you get your new dress?”

“I did, just like you asked. Happy?” She asked through gritted teeth.

“Very happy, but Seungwan-ah and I would be even happier if you made a quick stop at _Deja Brew_.”

Again?

“How many times are you going to keep dragging me there?”

“As many times as we’d like, now get your ass here.”

“Lis, I’m fucking tired. I just want to go to my apartment.”

“You have a whole ass weekend to yourself.”

“Lawyers never have weekends to themselves,” she corrected her friend.

The Thai, however, didn’t sympathize with her best friend, “That’s so sad, we’re expecting you here in fifteen minutes.”

“Fuck you both.”

“Love you too!” She heard Wendy’s voice through her call with Lisa.

“Guess I’m not going to my apartment yet.”

While on her way to ‘ _Deja Brew_ ’, the image of what happened earlier kept replaying in her head, **_her_ ** face kept replaying in Roseanne’s head.

 _‘Deja Brew’_ , she read the big sign outside the coffee shop when reaching her destination. She got out of her vehicle with her YSL shopping bag, knowing her friends would want her to show them her newest purchase. She cleared her head right before getting inside the coffeeshop. There, she spotted Wendy and Lisa caught up in a conversation of their own at a table for four, both of them holding their warm cups of coffee. “Ah, you made it!” Wendy exclaimed when she noticed Roseanne.

“You make it sound like I had a choice…”

“So, how was your day?” Lisa questioned, ignoring Roseanne’s remark.

“Exhausting,” she said without even exaggerating. “I don’t know why you two thought it would be a good idea to send me to a place that’s continuously packed with people who keep bumping into you and who aren’t even bothered to say sorry for some _‘quality alone time_ ’?”

“Was it **_that_ ** bad?”

“The **_worst_ ** experience in a _very long time_ , I think.”

“But at least you found something to wear, right? Come, show us!” Wendy tried to lighten up the mood. “YSL? I see you treated yourself nicely!” Lisa said when seeing the big ass letters of the expensive brand on Roseanne’s shopping bag.

“Uh yeah,” She took out the dress and the shoes and showcased them to her best friends.

“I can totally picture you in this, Chaeng-ah! Ah, I knew you had exquisite taste,” said Lisa.

“Did you take photos of yourself in it?” asked Wendy.

“I did, I sent them to Yeri.”

“And you didn’t send them to us, because…” Lisa asked, waiting for an explanation. “Because she specifically asked me to do so, you guys didn’t.”

“Well, we’re asking you _now_. So please, show us.”

She unlocked her phone and opened the ‘Photos’ application. She pressed on the last photo and showed it to her friends.

“You look sickening, Chaeng-ah!”

“Straight out of a magazine!”

“You don’t have to lie…”

“We’re not lying.”

“I’ve definitely looked better physically,” she used the same words her friends said a few weeks prior to today. “I mean, sure you don’t look at your prime, but that doesn’t take away your beauty, Chaeng-ah. Lots and lots of people would kill to look like you.” Wendy softly said, holding her friend close to her.

“Seungwan-ah’s right…” 

She truly had two of the best friends. “Thank you.”

They drifted into a conversation, but Roseanne remained a bit self reserved. Just listening to her friends’ stories and trying to appear interested in whatever they were sharing. But no matter what Roseanne did, **_her_ ** face kept showing up in Roseanne’s head, **_she_ ** was right there. The same unreadable expression from earlier. The blonde wished she could’ve read **_her_ ** mind.

“Hey, you alright?” Lisa’s hand broke her from her trance.

“Chaeyoung-ah?”

It’s been a year almost. Almost a year long, she tried avoiding talking about **_her_ **. Should she tell them? She wasn’t so sure. What would they tell her? Would they laugh at her? Of course they wouldn’t, they were her best friends.

Yet, she still didn’t know whether to tell them or not.

“Chaeyoung, are you alright?” They questioned her once more.

The said woman didn’t respond to their question, but instead, she said: “I saw **_her_ ** today.”

Lisa and Wendy exchanged confused looks between each other, then averted their focus back on Roseanne, “Saw who?”

“I saw her,” she blinked before looking her friends deadly in the eyes, “I saw Sooyoung today.” It was the first time in forever she ever mentioned her name, it felt so weird. The name that used to easily roll off her tongue, felt so strange. It felt like trying to pronounce a very foreign name for the first time. 

“I’m afraid I don’t follow…” Wendy carefully said.

“I saw Sooyoung today while shopping. I was about to pay for my clothes and she was standing right there outside the store. I don’t even know what she was doing there, but we made eye contact and then I wanted to go talk to her, but I looked away for three seconds and she was gone.”

“Chaeyoung-ah, what are you talking about?” 

“How many times do you want me to repeat myself? Why aren’t you listening to me?” She slightly raised her voice, but still kept it to a minimum to not disturb other people.

“Chaeyoung baby, we _are_ listening to you, but what you’re saying just doesn’t sound realistic, at all.”

“So now you’re going to tell me what is real and what’s not? I saw it with my own eyes, I saw **_her_ ** with my own eyes.”

“Maybe you saw someone who looked like Sooyoung?”

“I’m pretty sure I know what the woman I’ve spent almost fifteen years of my life loving looks like.”

“Chaeyoung, that’s impossible and you **_know_ ** it.”

“You weren’t there. I saw Sooyoung, she’s here.”

“We might not have been there, but one thing is for sure: whoever you saw was **_not_ ** Sooyoung.”

“It was,” Roseanne defended, “she was there, she had a glow.” 

“Chaeyoung, do you hear yourself talking?” Lisa said, getting extremely worried about her friend. 

“Chaeyoung-ah,” Wendy trailed off. She was very hesitant whether or not to say it. She didn’t want to get a reaction out of her best friend, but she knew she had it break it to Roseanne because, clearly, there was something wrong with her best friend. She took a deep breath and opened her mouth, “Sooyoung is dead… you couldn’t have seen her, it’s impossible.”

The hard truth.

“B-but, I saw her, I **_know_ ** I saw her. See, I was doubting it too, but she looked so real. You guys **_have_ ** to believe me.”

“Chaeng-ah, we would like to believe it… but it’s impossible. We went to her funeral, despite the fact that you ran out before the ceremony could even start.”

Roseanne shook her head. She knew it was very much impossible to wake up from death, but she saw Sooyoung with her very own eyes. The same eyes that landed upon the beautiful girl in the university’s library almost fifteen years ago.

“I’m not crazy if that’s what you think.”

“We don’t think you are.”

“Right…”

“There might be a reason why you think you saw her though,” at times like this she hated the fact that Wendy mastered a PhD in Psychology. “You’re still stuck in your first stages of dealing with grief Chae, and on top of that, you’ve avoided every single Sooyoung related conversation since her passing. Clearly, you haven’t fully accepted the fact that she’s gone. You never got to say goodbye… and with the one year anniversary of her death approaching, it wouldn’t be so crazy for you to believe you saw her...”

“So I’m hallucinating…?” Her question remained unanswered. 

“Chaeyoung, have you been taking Lexapro?”

“I don’t need to take pills, I’m perfectly fine.” Another lie. The woman had been taking antidepressants for a while now.

“Chaeyoung, please stop lying to us.”

“I knew coming here would be a bad idea,” She could sense a new fight starting to break out, but she didn’t have the strength to go through another fight again. She pushed herself up, but a firm grip on her wrist made her stop walking away. “Give me your car keys,” Wendy demanded.

“No.”

“Chaeyoung, I’m dead serious. You are convinced you saw your deceased wife. You’re not driving back home, unless you want to crash yourself?”

“I drove all the way here from the mall without any scratch, I’m _pretty sure_ I can make it to my apartment without crashing myself.”

“Yeah, that was **_before_ ** we knew what you told us. So, your keys…” Wendy held out her hand.

“Chaeyoung Roseanne Park, I’m not going to repeat myself,” Wendy strictly said, sounding exactly like Roseanne’s mother. She hated it when people used her full name. She was a grown woman, yet they treated her like a kid in trouble. “Fine, here are my stupid keys” Roseanne fought back the threatening tears as she reached for her keys in her coat’s pocket. Instead of giving them to her friend like a normal and decent person would, she threw them onto the table. They wanted to treat her like a child? Child behavior was what they were going to get.

“Yah, would you calm down?! We’re doing this for you!” Lisa stepped in, disapproving Roseanne’s sudden behavior. “So what if I crash myself?! Life is pointless anyway, maybe putting an end to it does seem like the best fucking solution!” Maybe yelling that at the top of her lungs wasn’t her smartest idea. She felt everyone’s eyes piercing at her.

“Chae…”

“I need to get out of here,” She was losing oxygen. She needed to breathe. She needed fresh air.

“Chae, wait!”

But she was fast. In a matter of a few seconds, Roseanne guided herself out. There she tried to take deep breaths, but it felt like her lungs clasped. She was having another one of those anxiety attacks. Her best friends knew better than trying to calm her down as it would only make her anxiety worse. It was something they learned from personal experiences. She felt like she was going to pass out. It was scary, especially because these attacks always seemed to last for a lifetime.

“Yo- you guys have **_n-no idea_** what it feels like. While f-for everyone else life goes on, th-the-there doesn’t go **_one day_** where she doesn’t cross my mind… and- and it just makes me feel s-so… alone. **_Every day_ ** I am reminded of her, ev-every single day.” The 34-year old woman choked on air, but she didn’t cry. She couldn’t cry. Not here. Not now. Her friends let her fully calm down. Even if it took Roseanne at least fifteen minutes to do so.

“We’re so sorry Chaeng-ah, we really are… but if you think putting an end to your life is the solution, you’re wrong.”

“I didn’t actually mean that… it was in the heat of the moment.”

“That’s _still_ concerning. It means it has crossed your mind before.”

“Please just take me to my apartment, I want to go back to my apartment.” Notice how the woman never referred to her apartment as her home. Why would she? Especially when home was supposed to make you feel complete, but all she felt when she was in that place… was void? She was convinced that the place she lived in lost its essence when she lost Sooyoung.

“Sure, I’ll drive,” Wendy tossed Roseanne’s keys to Lisa who perfectly caught them. The three of them got inside Roseanne’s car with Lisa in the driver’s seat and Wendy and Roseanne in the back. The latter rested her head on Wendy who held tightly onto Roseanne. “You’ll be just fine, but you’ll _have_ to confront and accept this sooner or later,” the Canadian whispered in her best friend’s ear, followed with a kiss on Roseanne’s crown.

 _‘I’m too scared to confront and accept it,’_ Roseanne answered in her head before dozing off, reliving yet another flashback.

_“On second thought, I really don’t think this is a great idea…”_

_“Yah, come on! Everyone’s excited to see you, I think they’re even more excited to meet you than to see my annoying ass again, especially my sisters.” The mention of Sooyoung’s sisters made Roseanne giggle._

_“You’re so overdramatic.”_

_“And you’re worrying over nothing, come on now!” Sooyoung grabbed Roseanne’s hand, suitcase in the other, as they approached Sooyoung’s childhood home. Sooyoung was raised in a very wealthy family and the neighborhood reflected that. Every house was secured with gates, it looked almost affluent. “Smile, they’re going to like you very much,” the older girl reassuringly told Roseanne right before pressing on the doorbell._

_‘Why am I even so nervous? It’s not like I’m dating her anyway,’ Roseanne mentally told herself._

_The gate automatically opened and before the two girls could even walk in, a little figure got out of the house, ran down the steps and into Sooyoung’s arms, “Unnie, you’re back!” That must’ve been the youngest one, Roseanne assumed. She was, in fact, very energetic, just how Sooyoung warned her about._

_“Daeun-ah!”_

_The two siblings hugged each other until Sooyoung stepped back, “Daeun-ah, I would like for you to meet my friend, Ch-”_

_“Chaeyoung-ssi!” The little girl interrupted her older sister. “Wait, how did y-”_

_“I overheard your phone calls with Yunhee-unnie. You talk_ **_a lot_ ** _about your friend, unnie! I think I know half of her life already!” Daeun said, emphasizing ‘a lot’. She had the same sassiness as Sooyoung. Sooyoung’s cheeks reddened, which didn’t go unnoticed by Roseanne._

_“Yah, what did I tell you about eavesdropping other people’s conversations?” She scolded her youngest sister. “Unnie, you act like it’s my fault! Next time, tell Yunhee-unnie to not put you on speaker!” Daeun’s boldness was very similar to Sooyoung’s, causing Roseanne to hide her giggle, but Sooyoung caught her right on time._

_“Yah, you think this is funny?” Sooyoung asked, raising a sharp eyebrow at her younger friend, pretending to look unamused. But how could she look unamused when Roseanne looked like the happiest person on earth?_

_“Absolutely not,” The redhead shook her head, but the smile playing on her lips betrayed her._

_“You’re so silly,” Sooyoung smiled._

_The two shared a little moment, and Roseanne swore she saw Sooyoung’s eyes twinkle. Sadly, their little moment had to be ruined by Daeun, who let out a very loud cough. Sooyoung put all her attention back onto her little sister. “Speaking of Yunhee, where is she? And where are eomma and appa?” She asked, noticing no one else came out to greet them yet. The three of them walked through the small front yard, into the house, or more like a villa. Roseanne couldn’t believe this was all of their property._

_“Eomma and appa just left for grocery shopping and Yunhee-unnie is in her room because appa punished her.”_

_“What did she do this time?”_

_“I know what she didn’t do,” the little one said with an attitude. “And would you tell me what that is?” Sooyoung questioned, getting a bit impatient._

_“Not pass her grade. She has to redo her year and appa was furious! I think I even saw steam coming out of his ears, it was a little bit funny.” Daeun surely had a funny choice of words, and Roseanne would’ve laughed if it weren’t for the sudden mood shift in Sooyoung’s voice, “She has to what?!”_

_“I was just on the phone with her three days ago, she said everything went well?” Sooyoung whispered to herself, getting frustrated with herself, mostly frustrated with Yunhee._

_“Maybe you should go talk to her? I’ll keep Daeun busy,” Roseanne suggested._

_“You don’t mind?”_

_“Of course not,” Roseanne reassured Sooyoung._

_“Okay, thanks.”_

_Roseanne noticed how angry Sooyoung was by the heavy footsteps she was taking, and she knew she had to do something to calm Sooyoung down for Yunhee’s sake, despite not having met the girl yet._

_“Unnie?” Roseanne stopped her friend midtrack._

_Sooyoung turned her head, “Hm?”_

_“Don’t go hard on her.”_

_“Chae, she lied to me…”_

_“I know, but still… she needs an understanding sister right now, not another authoritative figure.”_

_Sooyoung sighed as she softened her facial expression, “Fine, I’ll try to, but I can’t promise you anything.”_

_Roseanne watched Sooyoung until she fully disappeared. Her eyes then fell upon the young girl, whose mouth was agape._

_“How did you do that?!” The little one curiously asked, very shocked by the scene that just unfolded in front of her._

_“What are you talking about?” Roseanne confusedly questioned the nine-year old._

_“That! Sooyoung-unnie looked very mad. Unnie is very scary when she’s mad, but then you told her to be easy on Yunhee-unnie and suddenly she didn’t look so mad anymore? I think you have crazy superpowers!” It was actually the first time Roseanne saw Sooyoung look this mad. Roseanne didn’t even think it was possible, her friend was always super joyful and super soft around her. “Oh, that? I don’t know, I’ve seen her frustrated before, but never really_ **_this_ ** _frustrated, so I thought it would be easy to make her not-angry anymore, because she’s always super bubbly five seconds after being frustrated.”_

_Daeun shook her head, “Whenever Sooyoung-unnie is mad, it’s really hard to make her not-angry anymore. That’s why she’s so scary when she’s mad, she doesn’t easily get mad, but when she does… ooooohhhhh.”_

_“Yah, I think you’re overreacting a bit!” Roseanne cracked a smile at the young girl. Despite Daeun and Sooyoung not really looking very alike, they definitely had similar personality traits. She was literally a copy-paste version of her friend._

_“Am not! She is like those evil villains in cartoons! Last time she was so mad that she got rid of my dolls!”_

_“I’m sure she had a very valid reason.”_

_“Well,” Daeun faced the floor whilst twirling her fingers, “I might’ve ruined her makeup palette… so she gave my dolls away to some charity to make me ‘reflect on my actions’.”_

_‘Why is that such a Sooyoung thing to do?’ Roseanne asked herself._

_“Okay, but she gave your dolls away to some charity, meaning there’s a good side in villain Sooyoung.” Daeun opened her mouth, but closed it right back, knowing she couldn’t argue with that. “She’s still a scary villain though…”_

_“I bet she is,” Roseanne said, messing with the nine-year old’s hair._

_“My best friend said I could use her dolls until I would get new ones.”_

_“Wait, Sooyoung donated_ **_all_ ** _of your dolls?”_

 _The little one simply nodded, “_ **_All of them_** _. I told you she was a villain, didn’t I?”_

_Roseanne laughingly shook her head, “Show me your friend’s dolls.”_

_Daeun’s eyes widened, “You really want to see them?”_

_“Yes, I’m excited!”_

_“I’ll be right back! Wait here, do not move! I mean it, Chaeyoung-ssi” Daeun yelled like a person having trust issues. Roseanne wondered who could’ve been the cause of that. “First of all, I’m very comfortable with you calling me ‘unnie’ and second of all, I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here.”_

_“I think I like you better than Sooyoung-unnie already,” the nine year old shamelessly admitted before getting out of Roseanne’s eyesight. Maybe Sooyoung didn’t lie at all when she said her family would like Roseanne better. The latter took the time to look around and observe the living room. The walls were clothed with lots of professional photographs. Wedding photos of Sooyoung’s parents, childhood photos of Sooyoung and who Roseanne supposed was Yunhee, recent photos of the three sisters together and even family photos of all five of them. Just your regular typical family home._

_The young girl came back with four very familiar dolls, Bratz. Roseanne wasn’t even aware that today's kids still played with these dolls, in fact, she wasn’t even aware that today's kids still played with dolls at all. Especially since technology had become such an important aspect in everyone’s lives._

_“Bratz dolls!” Roseanne exclaimed. “You know them?!” Daeun asked, baffled._

_“Of course I know the Bratz! I practically grew up with them, I thought they stopped making them?”_

_“They did, but some people still sell them. It’s really hard to find, so I have to take care of them really well because my best friend trusts me with them.” Why was that the cutest thing Roseanne heard in a very long time?_

_“So, who is your favorite doll?”_

_“Hmmmm,” Daeun put her finger on her chin and made a very cute thinking face, “Jade!”_

_“Oooh, excellent choice! Why is that?”_

_“Well, because she’s Asian, just like you and me! And don’t tell Sooyoung-unnie, but Jade reminds me a lot of unnie. They both have a very weird sense of fashion, unnie keeps dressing up like a grandma, and they’re both really really good at science! They’re like the same person, that’s really really cool!”_

_“Sooyoung-unnie is pretty cool yeah,” Roseanne agreed. The coolest even._

_“We cannot tell her that though! We have to keep quiet!” Daeun ordered Roseanne, placing her index finger on her lips._

_“Why can’t we?”_

_“You’re very close to Sooyoung-unnie, you should know_ **_why_** _, unnie. Sooyoung-unnie always feels so full of herself whenever she gets a simple compliment, it feeds up her ego, it’s really disgusting,” The little one made a puking sound, making Roseanne laugh loudly. Daeun’s description of Sooyoung was so accurate, as the latter always flattered herself when receiving a compliment. Roseanne couldn’t believe Daeun was only nine years old when she definitely acted older than that, especially with the big words she used._

 _“She does that a lot, right?!” Roseanne asked, although it was more of a statement. “Which is why you can’t tell her what I just told you. You_ **_have_ ** _to promise me.” Daeun held out her pinky and for a moment, Roseanne thought she was a kid all over again. “I promise you, Daeun, not to tell Sooyoung-unnie anything about what you’ve just told me.” The two of them locked their pinkies and Daeun flashed the brightest smile at Roseanne._

 _“Promise Daeun not to tell me what?” Sooyoung’s voice broke their pinkies away from each other. Roseanne took her eyes off Daeun and looked at her friend with a shorter girl standing right behind her. That must’ve been Yunhee. Now,_ **_she_** definitely _looked like a total physical copy-paste version of Sooyoung._

_“She can’t tell you! Isn’t that right, Chaeyoung-unnie?”_

_“That’s right, Daeun. I’m sorry unnie, my lips are sealed.”_

_“I can’t believe it! It hasn’t even been a whole hour yet and Daeun-ah_ **_already_ ** _has you in the palm of her hand. It’s only a matter of time ‘till even_ **_you_ ** _start ganging up against me,” Sooyoung said, making everyone in the room laugh, Yunhee included._

_Roseanne took the opportunity to approach the fifteen-year old, “I don’t think we properly met yet. Hi, I’m Chaeyoung or Roseanne or Rosie,” Roseanne chuckled when realizing how many names she had, “whatever you feel comfortable with, I guess?”_

_“Annyeong, I’m Yunhee,” the girl shyly said before taking a bow. Unlike Joy and Daeun, Yunhee seemed very self-reserved or maybe she had yet to feel fully comfortable around Roseanne to open up. Yunhee spoke up once more, “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. Unnie keeps talking abo-” Yunhee stopped herself when she got elbowed by her older sister, “Ohw, what was_ **_that_ ** _for?” She genuinely asked, not knowing what she did wrong. Even Roseanne was confused as she knitted her eyebrows at Sooyoung._

_“Yunhee-unnie, was Sooyoung-unnie scary when she walked in your room?!” Sooyoung sighed in relief when her youngest sibling changed the topic._

_"Hm? What are you talking about?” Yunhee questioned Daeun._

_“I mean, was she mean? Did she yell at you like she always does when she’s mad?” Daeun asked with a ‘duhhh’ expression._

_“Uhm, no? Surprisingly not…” Even Yunhee realized it._

_“I knew it! Chaeyoung-unnie, you really have magical superpowers! Yunhee-unnie you should say thank you to Chaeyoung-unnie!”_

_The fifteen-year old was puzzled, “I- eh? I don’t follow?”_

_“Chaeyoung-unnie told Sooyoung-unnie to go easy on you before she went to your room. Sooyoung-unnie looked so mad, and I’m pretty sure she would have yelled at you like she always does if Chaeyoung-unnie didn’t tell her to calm down! You should’ve seen it, unnie! I’ve never seen Sooyoung-unnie calm down like this before! Chaeyoung-unnie has magical superpowers!”_

_“Jinja?! She calmed down just like that?! Omo, that’s why she didn’t get mad at me…" Even Yunhee was surprised, “oh wow, thank you Chaeyoung-ssi.” Then what Daeun said, must’ve really been true. “You two are so annoying, especially you, Daeun-ah!” Sooyoung said._

_“But you’re not denying it, are you unnie?” What a fierce little nine-year old._

_“Denying_ **_what_ ** _exactly?”_

_“That Chaeyoung-unnie has magical superpowers? Duhhh!!!”_

_“Omo, I think you’ve watched enough Winx Club episodes.”_

_Roseanne laughed at the bickering sisters. It reminded her a lot of her little fights with her sister, Alice. “I’m so sorry you have to witness this. I think I regret taking you here already,” Sooyoung said to Roseanne, facepalming herself. “Ahh, please don’t! I have a sister too, this is the most normal thing to witness. I promise you, I enjoy watching you two go back and forth!”_

_Sooyoung peeked at Roseanne through her fingers, “Good to know you enjoy watching my misery.”_

_“Hey, who are you calling misery?! It better not be me!” Daeun’s voice erupted through the living room. Quite loud for such a tiny human._

_“Daeun-ah, for the love of God, please keep quiet,” Even Yunhee was getting annoyed with the nine-year old._

_“You guys are so mean! I just wanted to show Chaeyoung-unnie my dolls until you came here!” Roseanne had never seen someone’s temper change so quickly, not even Sooyoung’s earlier. Daeun grabbed all of her dolls, and exited the living room. She had probably gone to her room. “Wait Daeun-ah, I didn’t mean it like that!” Yunhee ran after the nine-year old, leaving Sooyoung and Roseanne alone._

_“God, I can’t believe this. This household is_ **_already_ ** _a mess in the span of less than an hour. Don’t get me wrong, but this is something I absolutely did_ **_not_ ** _miss at all back in Seoul.”_

_“Ah calm down, she’s just a little kid.”_

_“She’s an attention seeker, that’s what she is!” Sooyoung crossed her arms in front of her chest like a kid. For some reason it reminded Roseanne a lot of Daeun’s behavior, and she’s only known the little girl for half an hour or so. “Hmm, I wonder who she got it from?” The redhead winked at Sooyoung._

_Sooyoung pointed at herself, “M-me?”_

_“Yes, you! Who else?” Roseanne laughed. “Don’t you remember that one time you kept bothering me and when I asked you what it was you needed you said, ‘Nothing… I just wanted you to look at me and talk to me instead of you looking at your stupid syllabus’,” She put on her best impersonation of her older friend. “Okay, first of all, I do_ **_not_ ** _sound like that! And second of all, I didn’t know wanting to talk to you was a crime.”_

_“I never said it was a crime, unnie.”_

_“But you called me an attention seeker,” she put on her best fake pout. “That’s because you_ **_are_ ** _one. And from what I’ve seen, it looks like you’ve transmitted it to Daeun. It’s like you’ve transmitted everything to her, she’s like your twin sister, but a smaller and cuter version.”_

_“Ouch, I don’t know what’s more offensive? You calling me an attention seeker or you thinking Daeun-ah is cuter than me. I’m actually really hurt, Chae.” Roseanne would’ve almost fell for the little act if she wouldn’t have known Sooyoung was also an amazing actress. ‘Damn, is there anything she cannot do?’ She thought to herself._

_“Awh, did my words offend you?” Roseanne pitifully asked. “I’m afraid they did… I think I’m gonna need a hug or something to fix that little heart you just broke.”_

_Sooyoung opened her arms, waiting for Roseanne to close in the gap between them. How could the latter refuse when Sooyoung was looking at her with the cutest puppy eyes? The redhead approached her older friend, and Sooyoung pulled her closer, leaving no empty space between them. Her arms wrapped around Roseanne’s tiny waist, chin resting on Roseanne’s shoulder, it just felt too right. Despite being taller than Sooyoung, Roseanne always felt so small yet so safe in her embrace. She didn’t know how long it lasted, but deep inside she knew the hug was way too long, way too intimate for ‘just friends’. Roseanne tended to lie to herself and say they were both into skinship. It wasn’t entirely a lie. She had seen Sooyoung initiate skinship with her best friend, Seulgi a lot. And Roseanne did the same with her best friends. But whenever it was with Sooyoung, it felt different. It felt more meaningful than just a simple skinship between two close friends._

_‘Does that even make sense?’ Roseanne inwardly shook her head, thinking she was maybe going crazy and overanalyzing things._

_“Uhm guys?” Yunhee’s soft voice broke the two hugging college students apart and Roseanne could’ve sworn she heard Sooyoung curse under her breath._

_“What’s up?” The older girl played off._

_“Daeun-ah locked the door and won’t let me in, she’s having one of her tantrums again.”_

_“Wait, since when does she have a lock on her door?!”_

_“She doesn’t. She locked herself up in_ **_your_ ** _old room.”_

_Sooyoung facepalmed herself once more, this time cursing in German. Roseanne didn’t understand it, but she surely recognized the foreign language, mainly because it wasn’t the first time Sooyoung expressed her frustrations in German, and because the latter once mentioned to Roseanne she lived in Germany with her family and went there to school for a couple of years._

_“You want me to go talk to her? Sure, I can calm her down someway,” Roseanne confidently said. “There’s really no use, she needs at least three hours to calm down,” Sooyoung said, shaking her head to which Yunhee nodded, agreeing with her older sister. “Let me just try and talk to her? Where’s your room?”_

_‘Fuck, that must’ve sounded invasive,’ Roseanne thought. But Sooyoung didn’t seem to take it the wrong way, “You leave the living room, turn on your left, take the staircase at the end of the hall to the first floor, turn to your left again, then to your right, the very last room in_ **_that_ ** _hallway.”_

_“I’ll try to memorize that, but damn your house sounds like a maze…”_

_Yunhee giggled at Roseanne’s remark, “That’s exactly what Dohwan-oppa said!”_

_“Please don’t mentio-” “Who is Dohwan?”_

_Sooyoung glared at Yunhee, but the latter didn’t seem to mind, “Unnie’s ex-boyfriend.” Of course she used to have a boyfriend. Look at her, who_ **_wouldn’t_ ** _want to date her?_

_“Yah, can you shut up about him already? I don’t want to hear his name ever again, got it?”_

_“Uhm, I guess I’ll just go talk to Daeun while you two fight it out,” Roseanne chuckled, trying to make the situation less awkward. Yeah, if anything, she made it more awkward, but she quickly left the living room and followed Sooyoung’s instructions: staircase to the first floor, to the left, to the right, last room in that hallway. Roseanne couldn’t fight her giggles when she spotted the decorated door. Green, the girl’s favorite color, lots of baby chick stickers, and a wooden plaque with her nickname ‘JOY’ written on it. Sooyoung once told her everyone would call her Joy, but growing up she kind of stopped using it._

_The redhead knocked on the door, waiting for a response, but nothing. So she knocked once more, this time with a response, only not the response she was hoping for, “GO AWAY!”_

_‘Damn, that kid definitely has some pipes,’ Roseanne was shocked, to say the least._

_“Daeun-ah, is everything alright? It’s me Chaeyoung.”_

_“I don’t want to talk to anyone!”_

_“Daeun-ah please, just let me in? Can you please unlock the door for me?”_

_“No!”_

_“Come on Daeun-ah, not even for your new favorite unnie?” She tried to lighten the situation and it seemed to work, because she heard some shuffling from the other side of the door. Finally, she heard a ‘click’, but the door remained closed. Roseanne opened the door and found Daeun nuzzled in Sooyoung’s bed, all kinds of stuffed animals surrounding her._

_“Gwiyeo (cute),” Roseanne giggled._

_“I don’t want to talk…” Daeun’s voice sounded muffled as the stuffed animal she was holding was covering her mouth. “Well technically, you_ **_are_ ** _talking to me right now…”_

_“Am not!”_

_“Are too.”_

_“Am not!”_

_“Are too.”_

_The nine-year old sighed and let out an ‘ugh’ when she realized she was, in fact, talking to Roseanne and thus lost the little fight. “You’re just gonna tell me to shut up later.”_

_“Never,” Roseanne shook her head and sat on the edge of the bed, her hand on the little one’s arm. “You know, Yunhee didn’t mean it like that… it’s just, you were really really loud back there and it kinda hurt our ears.”_

_“It did?”_

_Roseanne nodded._

_“Oh…”_

_“Don’t worry though, I was just like you when I was your age.”_

_“You were?” The girl’s eyes lit up._

_“I would play with my little guitar and sing at the top of my lungs and my sister would always tell me to keep quiet as well and I would get upset too.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yeah… but you know what’s so amazing about having a sister?”_

_Daeun shook her head._

_“Sisters have an unbreakable bond and always forgive each other. My unnie and I would have a lot of fights, especially when we were kids, but we would always make up ten minutes later, because we would miss playing with each other.”_

_“Oh…”_

_“Yunhee is really really sorry.”_

_“Well, I’m sorry for screaming so loud… I didn’t mean to hurt your ears…” Roseanne chuckled at the kid, “That’s totally fine. I’m pretty sure our ears don’t hurt anymore.”_

_“So, should I accept Yunhee-unnie’s apology and also apologize to her and Sooyoung-unnie for hurting their ears?”_

_“I think you should.”_

_The girl hesitated for a bit, “Fine…”_

_“Ah, you’re such a good girl Daeun-ah!” Roseanne lied down next to the nine-year old._

_“Chaeyoung-unnie?”_

_“Hm, yes?”_

_“Can you teach me how to play the guitar?”_

_“Well, I would love to, but I don’t have my guitar with me.”_

_“Oh… can you teach me how to sing then? I think you have a beautiful voice!”_

_“How so?” The redhead laughed, “you haven’t even heard me sing yet!”_

_“Well, because you are really really pretty and pretty girls have beautiful voices! Just like Yasmin from Bratz! She is also the peacemaker, just like you!”_

_‘What a charming girl,’ Roseanne laughed._

_“Sure, I’ll teach you how to sing!”_

_“Yayyyy!!!” The girl exclaimed, almost deafening Roseanne._

_“Ow.”_

_“Oh, I’m sorry unnie, I meant ‘yayy’!” She repeated, in an almost whisper. Well, she was definitely a fast learner._

_“Much better.”_

_Daeun broke out in a giggle and crawled closer to Roseanne to hug her. ‘What a precious little bean,’ the redhead said to herself._

_“Hey Daeun-ah, can I ask you something?”_

_“You? Always!”_

_“Is there a particular reason you hid in Sooyoung-unnie’s room and not somewhere else?”_

_“I always go to Sooyoung-unnie's room because I like it here. And whenever I miss unnie, I come here and play with her stuffed animals. Or I talk to her photos on the wall from when she was my age.” The young girl pointed at the frame with multiple photos. Roseanne’s eyes followed Daeun’s finger and landed on childhood photos of Sooyoung. There was a particular photo that caught her eye: Sooyoung with an older man in a hospital bed. He was holding her tightly and she was holding a drawing. ‘Gwiyeo,’ Roseanne awed. She wondered who that man was. Clearly not her father, she saw photos of him downstairs and he looked nothing like this photo, though this man had very similar traits of Sooyoung. Maybe it was an uncle._

_“Sometimes Yunhee-unnie comes here with me and we just lie in unnie’s bed and talk about her! How one day she is going to find a cure for every disease and save the whole world! And if I’m ever gonna be sick, she’s going to take care of me and I will feel all better again! She will be the best doctor in the_ **_whole_ ** _world!”_

 _Wow, now_ **_that_ ** _was the cutest thing ever._

_“You surely love your sisters, don’t you?”_

_“With all my heart! And I love you with all my heart too!”_

_“We barely met, how can you love me with all your heart already?” Roseanne chuckled. “Because you made me not upset anymore! And because you made Sooyoung unnie not mad anymore. And because you made Sooyoung-unnie not mad at Yunhee-unnie! You bring peace!”_

_“Well since I bring peace, how about we go back downstairs so you can apologize to your sisters as well!”_

_“Can you give me a piggyback ride?” Roseanne smiled and got off the bed. She crouched, “Hop on!”_

_“Daebak!”_

_Soon enough, the two were back downstairs and Daeun couldn’t stop giggling. Roseanne put the girl back down and gave her a little push towards Sooyoung and Yunhee, “Now do what you’re supposed to do,” she encouraged the little girl. Daeun stepped closer to her sisters while twirling her fingers, “I’m sorry for yelling like that… I didn’t want to hurt your ears… I shouldn’t have done that…”_

_“And I’m sorry for getting so mad at you, come here,” Yunhee initiated a hug, and the two hugged it out. In the meantime Sooyoung stood next to Roseanne and whispered in her ear, “How the hell did you do that?”_

_“Do what?”_

_“How did you get her to calm down this fast?” Roseanne played with her fingers as if she were casting a spell, “I have magical superpowers, remember?”_

_“You know what? I’m starting to actually believe it. She’s never calmed down so quickly, I’m impressed…”_

_“I’ll soon replace you as the better unnie,” Roseanne joked. Sooyoung pointed her finger at Roseanne, “Yah, you take that back!”_

_“Or what?!” Roseanne laughed, trying to avoid Sooyoung. “Chaeyoung-unnie, run! Sooyoung-unnie will tickle you to death if she catches you! She always does it to us!” Daeun yelled, trying to save her new ‘favorite’ unnie. Roseanne did as she was told with Sooyoung chasing after her. For a moment the nineteen year old felt like a nine year old again._

_“Come here and take that back!” Sooyoung’s voice echoed through the hall._

_“Never!”_

_“Yah, where are you going?”_

_“Far away from you!” Rosie yelled, running up the stairs. Her feet dragged her to the only place she knew, Sooyoung’s old bedroom. “My room? Jinja? You’re making it very easy for me to catch you, you know?”_

_“Not if I lock the door right away!” She shut the door right away, and was about to lock it when she realized the key was gone. “Fuck, Daeun must still have it on her.” Instead, she pressed her body against the door, but Sooyoung was far more strong. The latter managed to open the door, but accidentally sent Roseanne flying to the floor in the process. “Omo, are you okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you fall!” the older girl panicked, rushing over to Roseanne. “I’m okay unnie, it barely even hurt,” the redhead laughed. “Okay, but your pretty smart head could’ve hit the bed, I’m really sorry.”_

_“Pretty smart head?”_

_“Yeah, you’re a very pretty girl Chaeyoung-ah, and you’re like one of the smartest people I know, besides me of course.” Roseanne rolled her eyes, “Of course you never miss the chance to praise yourself.”_

_“That’s called self-love, baby!” Sooyoung said, making shaka signs with her hands. “That’s called being conceited, baby!” Roseanne imitated her friend’s tone. “Whether I’m conceited or not, you still love me, baby!”_

_‘I do.’_

_“Okay, stop ‘baby’-ing me, I’m a grown woman.”_

_“Nope, you’re_ **_still_ ** _a baby, especially when you make those cute weird sounds when you eat something you like.”_

_“Is that the reason why you keep buying me food?” Roseanne cackled, “To hear me make those sounds?”_

_“You’re just the cutest baby ever, how can I not?”_

_“Is that what everyone sees me as? A cute baby?”_

_Sooyoung shook her head, “It’s what_ **_I_ ** _see you as. I see you as the cutest baby who brightens up my days with your baby-like behavior.”_

 _“Does that perhaps make me…_ **_your_ ** _… baby? Roseanne blagued, yet she was being very serious deep inside, “It makes you_ **_my_ ** _baby and my baby_ **_only_ ** _. No one else’s.” She brought her hand to Roseanne’s cheek, caressing it. Roseanne’s heart went full. Her cheek had been caressed by others before, whether it was in a romantic or non-romantic way, but no one’s touch compared to Sooyoung’s. So gentle, so delicate. Her fingertips were ice cold, but that didn’t stop her from feeling so warm under her touch._

_Roseanne’s nervousness slightly activated when Sooyoung’s face approached hers. Were friends supposed to be this close? Especially when her friend was pretty straight?_

_Sooyoung broke into a smile. Roseanne’s favorite feature of her friend. “You’re so pretty, Chaeyoung-ah, how come you’re not dating anyone? I’m sure there’s plenty of people who want to take you out!”_

_‘Because I want to be with you.’_

_“How can I go out with other people when you’re always on my ass, unnie?”_

_“Hmm, maybe I should be less on your ass then. Maybe that way, someone will ask you out.”_

_‘Please don’t.’_

_“Maybe, you should,” Roseanne laughed._

_“Aish, but I_ **_can’t_** _. I can’t just let_ **_anyone_ ** _take you out. You deserve to be taken out by someone who truly cares about you. Not someone who only wants to brag about you to their friends. Not someone who tries to put on a show, making you think it’s real and then they break your heart.” Roseanne wasn’t ignorant to know Sooyoung was talking about her past experiences. The pain in her voice was too clear for Roseanne to avoid, and all she could ask herself was, ‘Who would want to break her heart? Why have the intention to hurt such a beautiful soul for your own enjoyment? Why have the intention to hurt anyone at all?’_

_“Anyone who tries to take you out, shall pass through me first,” Sooyoung confidently said._

_“Aren’t you quite the_ **_guardian angel_** _?”_

_“I am. And as your guardian angel, it is my duty to protect you. It is my duty to make sure you’re okay.” Her hand never left Roseanne’s cheek, and their faces were still so close. Space? Nonexistent. “Then it shall be my duty to protect and take care of you. It works both ways, unnie.”_

_“I like that…”_

_“Me to-” “Unnie, eomma and appa just arrived and want to meet Chaeyoung-unnie!” Daeun yelled, bursting in the room. The two college students pulled away from each other like magnets of the same pole._

_“Daeun-ah, what did I tell you about knocking?”_

_“Oh right, I’m sorry…” the kid returned to the door, knocked and repeated the same sentence, “Unnie, eomma and appa just arrived and want to meet Chaeyoung-unnie!”_

_“Tell them, we’re coming down in a sec.”_

_“Okidoki.”_

_Sooyoung sighed and let out a chuckle,“she will be the death of me one day.”_

_“Ah shut up, she’s the cutest ever. Makes me want to have a kid of my own one day.”_

_“Aren’t you a bit too young to have kids now?”_

_“I said ‘one day’, unnie! I dream of being happily married with the love of my life. We’ll have a dog and two kids, we’ll own a very fancy apartment… like a penthouse! And we’ll both be thriving in our professions and be very happy.”_

_“Sounds like a beautiful dream… Do you see me somewhere in it? What role do I play in your dream? The cool best friend who is like an auntie to the kids and kidnaps them to fun places? Or the plant on the kitchen island?”_

_“_ ** _Whatever_ ** _role you want to play. That is_ **_if_ ** _you want to be a part of my dream, of course.”_

_“Of course I want to, but I don’t think your future partner would like me though…”_

_“And why would that be?”_

_“Because I’ll practically live in your fancy penthouse, emptying your fridge, and making sure your partner treats you like you should be treated, like a princess.” Roseanne got flustered by the last word. Sooyoung cleared her throat, “I eh, I think we should go downstairs, my parents are probably waiting for us…”_

_“Yeah, we should.”_

•

_Meeting Sooyoung’s parents went really well. They were so welcoming and glad Sooyoung brought a friend. Roseanne had thanked them for letting her spend the holidays with them and even offered to help Sooyoung’s mom in the kitchen. The older woman refused, “You’re a guest, please go rest!” but the redhead was persistent and kept insisting she wanted to help, so Sooyoung’s mother eventually let her. “Sooyoung-ah, I really like your friend already!” The three women laughed._

_During dinner Sooyoung’s parents kept telling Roseanne embarrassing childhood stories and her sisters kept teasing their older sister. Your typical family reunion. “I can’t hear this,” Sooyoung said, standing up and pretending to walk away, but Roseanne stopped her, “Nooo, don’t go! I think you were the cutest Snow White, despite peeing your pants!”_

_“Yah, and here I thought you would actually defend me from them ganging up on me!”_

_“I am! I just called you the cutest Snow White!”_

_“How would you know that?! You haven’t even seen me as Snow White.”_

_“I’m sure your eomma still has some photos somewhere.”_

_“I actually do,” Sooyoung’s mom joined in on the conversation, “I’ll send them to you!” She was so excited._

_“I’m leaving this table,” The older girl whined as she got up from her seat._

_Roseanne grabbed Sooyoung’s hand, “Please stay? I think we all enjoy your company, don’t we all?” Roseanne asked her friend’s family. Everyone agreed with her._

_“Fine… but stop bullying me, all of you.” She sat back down and as Roseanne let go of Sooyoung’s arm, the latter quickly grabbed Roseanne’s hand instead. Their fingers intertwined under the table._

_After dinner Daeun asked if they could watch a movie before going to bed. The girls’ parents said they could, but to not make it late as they were going to bed already. “Oh before I go, Sooyoung-ah, I changed the guest room into a mini-atelier, so you’ll have to share your room with Chaeyoung-ssi, I hope you girls don’t mind?”_

_“That’s okay, appa.”_

_“Okay, goodnight girls. Have fun with your movie night.”_

_“Goodnight!” The four of them said in unison._

_Instead of going to the living room, they went to the little theater room. The four girls decided to watch The Little Mermaid, because Daeun said it was Sooyoung-unnie’s favorite movie and because she said Roseanne really looked like Ariel with her red hair. They were comfortably settled on the sofas. Daeun made herself comfortable between the two college girls and Yunhee sat on Sooyoung’s other side. A large thick blanket covered the four of them as they were very invested in the movie._

_“Unnie, remember when you had red hair too! Just like Chaeyoung-unnie?!”_

_“You had red hair too?”_

_“Yes, she had! A few years ago and it was very pretty!”_

_“I agree, I liked your red hair too, unnie,” Yunhee said. Sooyoung chuckled, putting her attention on Roseanne, answering her question, “I did back in high school, really damaged my hair though.”_

_“They let you dye your hair in high school? We were only allowed to have natural hair colors in my high school!”_

_“I never said they let us dye our hair in any color though.”_

_“Ohhh, so you were quite the rebel?”_

_“I guess you could say that yes.”_

_Yunhee faked a cough, “Liar.”_

_“Whatever, let’s focus on the movie instead.”_

_Once the credits appeared on the screen, Roseanne looked down, finding Daeun sleeping on her lap. “Awww, I should put her to bed,” Sooyoung chuckled, cooing at the scene in front of her. “I can do it,” Yunhee suggested._

_“You’re sure?” Sooyoung asked her sister._

_“Yeah, it’s not like I haven’t done it before.” The fifteen year old got up and approached Roseanne, releasing the latter from the lightweight on her lap. “Goodnight, unnies,” Yunhee smiled, carrying Daeun on her hip. “Goodnight,” the two said in sync. Roseanne yawned, “I’m so fucking tired.” Sooyoung couldn’t help but giggle, “I can clearly see that.”_

_“Yah, shut up. Don’t act like I didn’t see you yawn during the movie.”_

_“It was a very long day.”_

_“That, it was.”_

_“Come on, we should go to sleep.”_

_“Will you carry me?” Roseanne asked, obviously joking. “Sure, get on my back.”_

_“Omo, are you serious?”_

_“Yes, now hop on before I change my mind.” The two of them got up and Roseanne got on Sooyoung’s back and she walked them out of the theater and to her own room. Sooyoung’s father had brought their suitcases upstairs earlier, they would have to thank him for that in the morning._

_The redhead got her nightwear out of her suitcase, along with her toiletry bag, “Where is the bathroom?”_

_“Right here,” Sooyoung pointed at the door at the other side of her room._

_Roseanne got in the bathroom, changed her clothes, washed her face, and brushed her teeth before returning to Sooyoung’s room. The latter was nowhere to be seen, probably using another bathroom. Roseanne awkwardly sat on the bed until Sooyoung got back, “Yah, why aren’t you in bed yet?” Sooyoung laughed. “I don’t know if you have a favorite side of the bed so I waited until you got here, stop making fun of me!”_

_“You’re so considerate, and no I don’t really have a side. I usually take up all the space.”_

_“Of course you do,” Roseanne shook her head, playfully rolling her eyes._

_The two girls got in Sooyoung’s bed, leaving an empty space between them, and surrounded by all the stuffed animals. “You have quite a lot of stuffed animals for a rebel, you know?”_

_“And what about it?”_

_“It’s really cute. You must’ve been a very cute rebel.”_

_“I still am, what are you talking about?”_

_“Right, miss ‘I don’t care if the librarian sees me, I am going to eat this sandwich whether she likes it or not’.” Roseanne said, referring to the one time her and Sooyoung went to the library together and Sooyoung snuck food inside._

_“Exactly.”_

_“You’re a fool, unnie.”_

_“But you still like me, don’t you?”_

_“I_ **_love_ ** _you even.”_

_“I love you too,” Sooyoung said. ‘As just a friend, I bet,’ Roseanne internally sighed. It went really quiet for some time, except for their breathing._

_“I’m sorry by the way…”_

_“What for?” Roseanne frowned at the girl, even though it was dark with the lights being turned off._

_“For seeing me get angry, for seeing me not having anything under control, for having to witness all that shit earlier”_

_“Unnie…”_

_“I’m really sorry, Chae.”_

_“Is that really what you think, unnie? That you don’t have things under control?”_

_“I mean, you saw it yourself. You told me to calm down and I don’t know what would’ve happened between me and Yunhee if I didn’t. The situation only would’ve escalated. And you were able to calm down Daeun too, I’ve never been able to do so… I’m just really sorry, Chae.”_

_“Unnie, please don’t think like that. I think you are an amazing person and an amazing unnie who_ **_does_ ** _have things under control. The only reason why I told you to calm down and why I got to calm Daeun too was because I’m a dongsaeng myself too. I know what it feels like to have an unnie get mad at you, that doesn’t mean you don’t have anything under control.”_

_“I just want to be the best unnie for my sisters, I want to be a good example for them, I want them to know they can always come to me to talk about their struggles.”_

_“You_ **_are_ ** _a good example.”_

_Sooyoung laughed halfheartedly, “Is that why Yunhee told me she’s sick of getting compared to me? Because if that is being a good example, then it makes me feel like a bad example.”_

_“Trust me, speaking from personal experiences as a dongsaeng, nothing sucks more than being compared to your unnie, but does that mean my unnie isn’t a good example to me? Absolutely not. My parents, mainly my dad, would always compare me to Alice-unnie, and I hated it, but trust me when I say Alice-unnie was and still is my biggest inspiration. And so are_ **_you_ ** _to your sisters.”_

_“Okay, but like you said, those are from your personal experiences…”_

_“Hmm, yes, but they still look up to you.”_

_“How do you know for sure?”_

_“Because a little bird told me.”_

_“A little bird?”_

_“Daeun told me earlier. I actually promised her not to tell you, but she really thinks of you as the coolest person ever.”_

_“She does?”_

_Rosie nodded her head, despite Sooyoung not being able to see her in the dark, “She was showing me her dolls earlier. Well, not exactly her dolls, her best friends’ dolls. She said Daeun could have her dolls until she would get new ones. Well, I was surprised to see the dolls were Bratz dolls and we talked about them and I asked her who her favorite doll was, wanna know what her answer was?”_

_“Obviously Sasha, they have the same sassy attitude.”_

_“You’re wrong. Jade is, ‘because she’s Asian just like you and me! And don’t tell Sooyoung-unnie, but she reminds me of unnie. They both have a very weird sense of fashion, unnie keeps dressing up like a grandma, and they’re both really really good at science! They’re like the same person, that’s really really cool!”_

_“You should really work on your imitation voices.”_

_“That’s not the point!” Roseanne chuckled._

_“Wait, why did she tell you not to tell me though? Why doesn’t she want me to know?”_

_“Because she said you tend to get way too full of yourself when you receive a compliment, and I must agree.”_

_Sooyoung playfully hit Roseanne, “Rude!”_

_“And earlier when I asked her why she hid in your room and not in her own room, she said she always goes to your room because she likes it here. Also said she comes here when she misses you and talks to your photos of when you were her age. Sometimes she comes here with Yunhee and they talk about how one day you will find a cure for every disease and save the whole world and that if one day she would be very ill, you would take care of her. ‘She will be the best doctor in the whole world!’ and with that I must agree too.”_

_“Really? She really told you that? Or you’re just making stuff up to make me feel better?”_

_“Why would I make stuff like this up? They really love and look up to you, unnie. I wish you could see how an amazing unnie you are.”_

_“Oh… thanks, Chae.”_

_“Anytime.”_

_It was the first time Roseanne had seen her friend look so vulnerable. The girl whom Roseanne had always seen as overly confident in everything that she did, the girl whom she had always seen handle things so easily, suddenly looked so insecure. Roseanne didn’t like it. But at the same time it showed that Sooyoung was only human, and also had her struggles. She appreciated Sooyoung’s confidence a lot, but at the same time she wished the older girl would open up to her a bit more._

_“I’m really glad you’re spending the holidays here, Chae. We’re going to have so much fun!”_

_“I’m really glad you insisted on me coming here.”_

_“I had to, I know what it feels like to have divorced parents. I really didn’t want you to go through this alone.”_

_“Huh?”_

_“Oh right, I haven’t told you yet, it’s a very long story though…”_

_“We have all night.”_

_“Right,” Sooyoung giggled, “well for starters, Dohyun-ssi is not my biological father, but he’s been here with us for a very long time and really takes care of us like a father so it’s easier to call him ‘appa’.”_

_“Oh… where’s your real father then? If you don’t mind telling me, that is.”_

_“Right now? He’s probably somewhere in the stars” Roseanne’s mouth shaped an O-form when realizing what that meant. Her father died._

_“Unnie, I’m so sorry… holy shit, I didn’t mea-”_

_“Ah, it’s fine, please don’t apologize for something that is not under your control.”_

_“Right…”_

_“My biological appa and my eomma got divorced shortly after Yunhee was born. I was five and still too young to understand, but I knew I wouldn’t see him that often anymore. I would spend the weeks with my eomma and the weekends with my appa. Yunhee stayed with eomma the whole time, she was way too young to be moving from one place to another so she never really got to create that bond with our appa, he was like a stranger to her. My mom met Dohyun-ssi a year later and she got remarried two years later. That’s also around the same time my dad became seriously ill. I mean, he always had that disease, but it worsened out of nowhere… he just got extremely sick. I would visit him in the hospital almost every day. I was eight, but old enough to take the bus straight to the hospital from school. I remember doing my homework in his room and him helping me when it would be too hard. Dohyun-ssi would pick me up from the hospital in the late evening. For three years, that’s really all I did. I basically lived in the hospital. That’s also how I got close to Seulgi-unnie, by the way.”_

_“How so?”_

_“I was spending my afternoon in the hospital, playing with those toys when I was eight and unnie walks up to me and says : ‘Hey, I know you from school! You’re in a grade lower than me, right?’. I greeted her back and noticed a cast around her arm. She was playing soccer with a few classmates and when she fell, one of them accidentally stepped on her arms. So she had to wear it for a few weeks.”_

_“That sounds painful.”_

_“It was, she had to come to the hospital every now and then to get her arm checked and there was never a day where she didn’t complain. We got close and started hanging out a lot.”_

_“Gwiyeo!” Roseanne couldn’t even talk badly about Joy and Seulgi’s friendship. The two of them clicked and connected to each other on such a strong level. Like her friendship with Lisa and Wendy._

_“So back to my dad, I literally watched him transform, and I still have trouble understanding… how a person could physically degrade like that. It was very horrifying to see. One day, I was doing my homework in his room as usual, he had just gone under a surgery two days prior so he was really weak. The doctors said I could only visit if I promised not to bother him with my homework questions, so obviously that’s what I did. I was really proud of doing my homework on my own without needing his help, he would always encourage me to do things on my own. I got up from my chair to check if he was awake and to proudly show him my work, but the second I got up… the hospital monitors started beeping really really weird… I had spent 3 years of my life in that particular room, so I knew exactly what a ‘normal’ monitor would sound like. The screen… the lines on the monitor screen looked very flat so I knew something was off.”_

_“I panicked and ran outside, screaming for a nurse. I remember being pushed aside and all those doctors and nurses keeping me out of the room. Dohyun-ssi showed up shortly after to come and pick me up so we could go home, but I told him what had happened and so we stayed, he called my mom to inform her. She was pregnant with Daeun, so coming to the hospital wouldn’t have been too good for her pregnancy. It was just Dohyun-ssi and me. I admit, I wasn’t really close to him back then, but that evening… he was really kind and distracted me from everything that was going on, I really appreciate it even though it didn’t really help,” A sad chuckle came out of her mouth._

_“Suddenly the door of my dad’s room opened. I was so convinced they had fixed whatever was wrong, I was looking at the doctor with so much joy in my eyes, but he didn’t smile back. In fact, he didn’t look at me at all. He faced Dohyun-ssi instead, I guess it would’ve been too painful to personally tell me, I remember Dr. Kwon’s exact words: ‘We lost him, I’m so sorry’.”_

_“I remember not feeling anything at all. I was so shocked that I couldn’t even- I couldn’t react to anything around me. I was immune to the world. We stayed for hours, until Dohyun-ssi drove us back home, I wasn’t talking at all. I was acting like everything was okay, I convinced myself that all was okay. Wasn’t until the next morning that it really hit me that I lost my appa. I cried and I cried, I didn't go to school for three weeks. I was having so many bad dreams. Sometimes he would appear in my dreams and save me from whatever was chasing me. His funeral was one of the most heartbreaking experiences I’ve ever witnessed.”_

_“I was still so heartbroken. Everything reminded me of him, the smallest things. So Dohyun-ssi proposed we leave Korea for some time and go to Germany. My mom was hesitant at first, but ended up agreeing. Dohyun-ssi had family there, so we stayed with them for a while because the house we purchased was still under construction. Germany really did me good, it was scary at first… such a new environment, such a different mentality, but I really loved it there, got to learn new things there. We came back to Korea when I was fourteen or fifteen and I finished my high school career here. Now I’m here.”_

_Roseanne needed some time to process the whole story, “Wow… that’s-“_

_“Damn, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to turn the setting so depressing,” Sooyoung chuckled. “No, not at all. Don’t apologize, I’m actually glad you’re telling me this. It’s just- I am so sorry this happened to you. You were so young and you watched your father die, I don’t know what I would’ve done in your place.”_

_“I can’t lie, it really was hard and I even had to see a psychologist, but all turned out well. And although my dad can_ **_never_ ** _be replaced, I do call Dohyun-ssi my appa just because he’s always provided me with so much moral support and so much love. Always respected his boundaries and really cares. He definitely makes my mom happy and treats her and us like his queen and princesses. There’s really nothing to hate about this man. He’s a good person…”_

_“Yeah, I noticed that earlier. He truly cares for you all.”_

_“He does…”_

_“Unnie, can I ask you something?”_

_“You? Always.” Those were the exact words Daeun told Roseamne earlier. They really were alike.“Your father’s passing… was that the reason why you decided to study to become a doctor?” It would only be the best explanation as to why she chose this direction Roseanne thought._

_“I love how you easily figure things out,” Sooyoung silently laughed, “It is. Well… kind of… His death definitely was the decisive factor, but there were so many factors that played in my decision to study to become a doctor. The hospital has kind of been like a second home to me. Being in that place for so long, I’ve seen so many people check in and check out. I’ve seen doctors heal people. And sure, they failed to save my dad, but that didn’t matter. I was still so impressed with their profession and continued having so much respect for them. I developed this curiosity in the human body, how it functions, how people get sick, how people get cured and after my dad died, I really wanted to understand it better. So that’s why I chose this… I_ **_want_ ** _to save people’s lives.”_

_“He would be very proud of you, that I know for sure.”_

_“Thank you, Chae.”_

_“No, thank you unnie.”_

_“What for?”_

_“Because, though you were surrounded by your family when all of this happened, you were the only one going through it as you were the only one who had a bond with your biological father… and the fact that this was the_ **_actual reason_ ** _why you brought me here, you didn’t want me to spend my holidays alone while my parents are going through a divorce.”_

_“That’s what friends do, we’re supposed to take care of each other.”_

**_‘Right… friends…’_ **

_“Thank you.”_

_“My pleasure.”_

_“I have one last question…”_

_“Shoot.”_

_“Did you avoid that hospital?”_

_“Surprisingly, I didn’t. You would think that after experiencing such a thing, I’d avoid that place as much as possible, but I didn’t. I still visit the hospital whenever I can, play with the sick kids there, I try to help the nurses, everyone there practically adopted me, I’m that hospital’s daughter. They’ve seen me grow up. And I also donate a lot of things whenever I can.”_

_Roseanne couldn’t stifle her giggle, “Is that where you donated Daeun-ah’s dolls?”_

_“Aish, shut up!” Sooyoung laughed, “I bought her new ones, she will get them on Christmas.”_

_“See? I told you you’re the best unnie!”_

_“You know what? I_ **_am_ ** _the best unnie ever, and they’re_ **_super_ ** _lucky to have me as their unnie.”_

_“Ahhh, there she is!”_

_“Huh? Who?”_

_“Conceited Sooyoung-unnie. I missed her for a second. You looked insecure earlier and I didn’t really like that.”_

_“You’re so stupid,” The older girl laughed. “But I guess I have you to thank for it? You surely know how to make me feel better. I wish you were an MP3-player.”_

_“Out of all things you want me to be an MP3-player?” Roseanne snorted. “Yeah! You know how people have an MP3-player in their pockets and they can just take it out and start playing their favorite music whenever they feel down. That’s what I want_ **_you_ ** _to be, my personal MP3-player. So I can put you in my pocket and just listen to your voice whenever I feel low.”_

_“That’s actually… the sweetest thing someone has ever said to me.”_

_“It’s what a sweet girl like you deserves. Goodnight, my little Ariel.”_

_“Goodnight Sebastian.”_

_“Way to ruin a sweet moment,” Sooyoung huffed, pretending to be offended. “Alright, I’ll take that back. Goodnight, prince Eric,” Roseanne joked._

_“You know what? I’m okay with being your prince Eric, though… I’m way prettier than prince Eric.”_

_“Of course you are,” Roseanne giggled, “goodnight unnie.”_

_“Goodnight princess.”_

•

_That next morning, the two girls got woken up by a bouncy creature on them, “Unnies, wake up! Wake up!”_

_“Yah, Daeun-ah go away!” Sooyoung grunted, clearly she was very tired still. “You two sleep like eomma and appa!” the nine-year old laughed. That really woke up the two friends. Roseanne opened her eyes and felt an arm around her middle and Sooyoung’s warm body pressed against her back. “Damn I’m sorry,” Sooyoung removed her arm and created space between their bodies, “I thought you were one of my stuffed animals.”_

_Roseanne missed the warmth of her friend’s body, but did her best not to show it. “That’s okay unnie, no need to worry.” The two then turned to Daeun who was still very present in Sooyoung’s room, “So what did you wake us up for?”_

_“It’s finally snowing! Yunhee-unnie and I are waiting for you two downstairs! Snowball fight! You two against us two! The losers have to bake pancakes!” And just like that, the nine-year old bolted out of the bedroom. Sooyoung took the nearest pillow and hit her face with it, “I just want to sleeeeeeeep!”_

_“Me too,” Roseanne giggled, “but let’s go! I’m pretty sure that snowball fight will wake us up!” Roseanne sat up and stretched herself out. Sooyoung left the bed and went to the window to roll up the curtains and open the window, letting the cold winter air inside, to aerate the room. The whole neighborhood was covered in snow, and there were still snowflakes falling from the sky. Roseanne suddenly stood next to her friend, appreciating the view in front of them._

_“Wow…”_

_“Beautiful, isn’t it?”_

_“Very…”_

_“Anyways, are you ready to take down the villains who robbed us from our sleep?”_

_“Oh definitely!”_

_After having wrapped themselves in warm coats, they ran downstairs to the huge garden. As soon as they walked out, they got attacked by a bunch of snowballs coming their way. “Hey, this isn’t fair! This is cheating!”_

_“There are no rules!” Yunhee yelled, sticking her tongue out._

_“Oh, it’s on!”_

_The four of them played all morning long and the two younger girls won the fight. “Please make the pancakes extra thick,” Yunhee said with her head held high as her and Daeun went back inside, hand in hand. “And add LOTS of sugar, please!” Daeun added._

_The two college girls were left in the garden, “I can’t believe we lost against them!”_

_“Maybe if you stopped shielding me and actually attacked them like you were supposed to, then maybe we wouldn’t have lost,” Roseanne laughed, as she let herself fall on the snowy grass. “True, but I couldn’t let them get to you. You’re princess Ariel, remember? I’m supposed to protect you against Ursula and Morgana.”_

_Roseanne couldn’t control her laughter, “You did not just call your sisters Ursula and Morgana!”_

_“So what if I did?”_

_“You’re insane!”_

_“So, I’ve been told.”_

_Sooyoung lied down next to Roseanne, “Let’s make snow angels before making those pancakes!”_

_“You’re the biggest kid I know, unnie.”_

•

_“MERRY CHRISTMAS!” It has become a habit for the two college students to get woken up by the nine-year old. “Come on! We need to open the presents! Wake up!”_

_“We’re coming down in a sec, don’t open anything yet!” Sooyoung warned her little sister. “Okidoki!” The nine-year old stormed out of the room, leaving the two exhausted friends alone. “I swear I’ve never seen a kid be so energetic before… she’s worse than Lisa,” Roseanne silently laughed before turning her body and facing Sooyoung, who just like the first morning, had her arm wrapped around Roseanne again. “She’s so annoying, I actually wanted to be the first one to wish you a ‘Merry Christmas’, but it looks like she beat me to it.”_

_“Well, aren’t you quite romantic, prince Eric?”_

_“Of course, my dear Ariel.”_

_Ever since that night, they have been acting very cheesy with each other as Roseanne masked her feelings for her friend behind Ariel’s character. At some moments, Sooyoung would say the sweetest things to Roseanne, that the latter couldn’t tell if it was just Sooyoung trying to perfect her reenactment of Prince Eric or if that was what she really felt and meant._

**_‘Obviously she doesn’t mean it, she’s not into girls Roseanne, give it up,’_ ** _the voice in her head would say._

_“Hey, what’s up with the frown? You know I don’t like seeing you this way,” Sooyoung knitted her eyebrows as her hand traveled from Roseanne’s waist to her cheek._

_“Nothing to worry about.”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_The way her fingers softly stroked Roseanne’s cheek, like a bow stroking the violin’s strings. Roseanne didn’t want her to stop, feeling so compelled by her touch._

_“One-hundred percent sure, unnie.”_

_“Hmm okay, but you know that you can talk to me about anything, right? I want you to feel fully comfortable with me. Sure, I’m not Lisa or Wendy, but you’re one of my dearest friends and I want you to know that I’m always here for you.”_

_‘Friends. Why does she always have to emphasize that word?’ Roseanne asked herself, to which that same voice would reply with_ **_‘Because that’s all you’ll ever be to her: just a friend. Nothing more, nothing less.’_ **

_“I really appre-” “UNNIES!” Daeun’s high pitched voice rang through the whole house. “Aish, we better get downstairs before your neighbors file a complaint for ‘nuisance neighbor’.” Roseanne was trying to get out of bed, but Sooyoung stopped her before she even could, “I meant what I said, Chae. You can trust me with anything.”_

_‘Is she implying something?’ Roseanne couldn’t help but wonder. She forced a smile on her lips, “I know you did, unnie.”_

_Sooyoung smiled back, “Good, because I don’t ever want you to feel not comfortable enough with me to confide in me.”_

_“You’re really the best, unnie.” And Roseanne meant it. She was lucky to have Sooyoung. Sooyoung who never judged. Sooyoung who always listened to her concerns and who tried to give her the best advice. Sooyoung who was Sooyoung._

_“I’m just trying to be a good friend.” There it was again. That word. If Roseanne could erase it from the dictionary, she would. She had never despised six letters this much._

_“Merry Christmas by the way, may all your wishes come true.”_

_“You too, unnie. I hope this Christmas will be magical to you.”_

_“It’s already magical, Ariel. You’re here.” The butterflies. The damn butterflies in Roseanne’s stomach._

_“Yah shut up, unnie,” Roseanne tried to hide her blush by turning around, “We better get downstairs before Daeun calls us out again.”_

•

_Everything was so much fun. They opened presents, shared stories and laughs and baked tons of different bakeries in the morning, though Sooyoung specifically told everyone not to eat the cookies. Roseanne actually felt part of the family and she had Sooyoung to thank for that._

_Later that day Roseanne excused herself to call her family in Australia. They told her to take her time as they were all going to watch a movie._

_She just finished her phone call with her mom and Alice right after calling her dad as well. Just because they were getting a divorce and that she wasn’t spending Christmas with them in the midst of the chaos, didn’t mean she wouldn’t wish her parents a merry Christmas. The redhead was about to put her phone away and rejoin Sooyoung’s family when all of a sudden she received an incoming video call from Wendy and Lisa._

_“Merry Christmas my babies!” Wendy yelled through the phone. “Damn, isn’t it like one in the morning in Canada? Why aren’t you asleep, Wan?” Lisa asked, in a very sleepy tone. “Damn, isn’t it like past eleven o’clock in Thailand? Why aren’t you awake, Lis?” Wendy mocked their Thai friend in a very exciting tone. “I do not miss your bickering at all. Merry Christmas to you as well,” Roseanne inserted herself in the interaction. Lisa and Wendy argued a lot, they were total opposites, but they still made the friendship work as they loved each other to death. They couldn’t live without each other and needed each other, along with Roseanne. Seven years with these girls and she couldn’t have wished for better best friends._

_“So how is the Park household?” Wendy asked Roseanne. “It’s great, they’ve been so welcoming. Sooyoung has the funniest sisters and it’s just great here.”_

_“I bet it is, you get to share a bed with your crush!” Lisa teased her friend. “Can you tone it down?!” Roseanne slightly panicked and checked the hallway to see if there was anyone, but luckily there was no one. “Oh come on, when are you going to tell her?”_

_Roseanne was almost starting to regret telling her friends about her crush on Sooyoung. They’ve been pushing her to make a move ever since._

_“Never?! Did you fall on your head? I don’t want to lose this friendship.”_

_“Why not? Come on, even her best friend is gay.”_

_“What?!” That was new information for Roseanne to process. “What? You didn’t know? I can’t believe you’ve been hanging out with Sooyoung for so long and didn’t know Seulgi is gay.”_

_“In my defense, Sooyoung never really mentioned it to me and I really had no idea.”_

_“Well, she is and very openly. So if you think Sooyoung would judge you for it, she won’t. Actually, I don’t think she would ever judge you for anything. You could have killed someone and she would still look at you like the most precious thing on earth.”_

_“You’re just exaggerating right now.”_

_Roseanne’s best friends have met Sooyoung a few times. Usually it was Sooyoung asking them if she could steal Roseanne to which Roseanne’s best friends would teasingly say ‘yes please! release us from this burden!’._

_“Still though, if she_ **_really_ ** _is your friend, she wouldn’t judge you for it.” Lisa was right and deep down Roseanne knew it was true. Especially since her conversation with Sooyoung that morning. It was like the latter really wanted to let her know her secrets were safe with her. Don’t get her wrong, the thought of coming out to her friend did, in fact, cross her mind. Something Roseanne remarked about Sooyoung, was that her friend was very open minded._

_The reason why she hadn’t come out to her friend yet wasn’t so much because she was afraid of being judged, it was because she didn’t trust herself and would accidentally confess to her friend. She was afraid of facing rejection. Roseanne was convinced Sooyoung was pretty much straight. And the mention of her ex-boyfriend a few days ago confirmed that. Sure, she could’ve been bisexual, but Roseanne doubted that._

_“Yeah, at least come out to her one day. You don’t even have to confess. Just let her know you’re into girls, not into her.”_

_“It’s not that easy. You know how I blabber and spit everything out when I’m stressed.”_

_“True, but you can’t hide forever. We’re not pressuring you though, it’s_ **_your_ ** _coming-out so you take all the time you need.” That was Wendy for you, always knew what to say._

_“Thanks.”_

_The three chatted some more until Wendy was showing signs of weariness. Roseanne put the phone away and entered the living room where her friend’s family was cosily installed. Sooyoung looked away from the screen and looked at Roseanne, patting the empty spot next to her, but Daeun yelled loudly, “Unnie, you’re back! I saved this couch for us two! Come here!” Roseanne couldn’t help but giggle at Sooyoung’s annoyed expression and walked over to Daeun who was sitting alone on the other couch._

_“You only missed the first half of the movie,” Daeun whispered as Roseanne sat down. The nine-year old crawled on the redhead’s lap and Roseanne swooned at her cuteness. She firmly wrapped her arms around the little one and put her focus on the movie._

_Home Alone._

_She couldn’t count the amount of times she’d seen the movie, but it was a classic. A few moments later, she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. She attempted to reach for it while not making too brisk movements since Daeun was still on her lap. It was a text from Sooyoung._

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 02:04 PM]:**

_can’t believe you chose to sit with Daeun over me :( who am I supposed to cuddle with now? :/_

**[TO Sooyoungie 💚 - 02:04 PM]:**

you’re so dramatic unnie

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 02:05 PM]:**

:( </3

**[TO Sooyoungie 💚 - 02:05 PM]:**

we’ll cuddle while we’ll have another of those late night conversations, how does that sound?

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 02:05 PM]:**

well, if you insist…

_Roseanne looked up from her device and her eyes met Sooyoung’s. The younger one mouthed an ‘you are so annoying, I swear’, and Sooyoung covered her mouth with her hand, preventing herself from laughing out loud._

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 02:07 PM]:**

ily <33

•

_Later that day, Sooyoung took Roseanne and her sisters to a place she would always visit, with her mom’s car. “I didn’t know you can drive?” Roseanne said. She was seated in the passenger’s seat. “Yeah, I got my license a year ago but I don’t have a car and don’t really need one in Seoul. The public transport works perfectly fine.”_

_“And she’s not a good driver!” Yunhee added in the back. “Shut up, I’ve improved a lot!” Their fights were so entertaining, Roseanne couldn’t deny that._

_“Unnie, where are you taking us? And why can’t we eat these cookies? I want a cookie!” Daeun whined in the back. “You’ll see where I’m taking you, it’s not that far so be patient. And you better not touch those cookies, they’re not for us. Yun, please make sure she doesn’t eat the cookies?”_

_“Don’t worry unnie, I won’t eat them, I promise!”_

_“Well aren’t you the best girl ever?” Yunhee said, lowkey mocking her little sister. “I am.” Yeah, they definitely were clones of Sooyoung._

_“Unnie, can you turn on the music please?”_

_“Sure, Chae can you press on that button there? I don’t want to get distracted from the road?”_

_“Sure,” Roseanne turned on the car radio and leveled up the volume of the song playing._

_All I Want for Christmas Is You_

_“Ooohhh that’s my favorite Christmas song!” Daeun exclaimed in the back. Her singing or more like screaming deafened the hell out of everyone, but soon the three other girls joined her. They didn’t care whether they sang on or off key. It was a classic Christmas song and they enjoyed each other’s company very much._

_As the song came to an end, Roseanne read the letters of the building they were nearing out loud, “CNUH?”_

_“Chonnam National University Hospital,” Sooyoung said. “Unnie, why are we going to the hospital? Are you sick? Please don’t be sick, unnie.” Daeun asked._

_Sooyoung giggled, “I’m not sick, silly. All of us are very lucky to be very healthy, but there are a lot of kids in that hospital who sadly enough can't say the same. They are in a lot of pain and we are going to try to cheer them up to lessen their pain.”_

_“Unnie, is that why we made those cookies?” Yunhee asked, quite in awe. “Yeah, that’s why I specifically told you all to put five cookies in each candy bag and to not eat them. I want to give it to those kids.”_

_“Omo unnie, that’s so sweet.”_

_“Unnie, you’re the bestest person ever!”_

_“I agree with Daeun-ah, you’re the bestest person ever.” And it was true. It was at that moment that Roseanne realized that she really was in love with her friend. She had the purest heart and only the best intentions._

_The four of them stepped out of the car and headed towards the hospital building. “How come we’re only doing this now, unnie?” Yunhee asked her older sister. “I always come here the day after Christmas to talk to the sick kids and cheer them up. I guess I wanted to do something different this year and finally take you guys with me, I wanted to share my experiences with you guys.”_

_Yunhee gave her older sister a side hug and it looked like Sooyoung wasn’t very familiar with such actions from her sister as Roseanne noticed Sooyoung looked a bit taken aback, but hugged back her sister, “I’m glad you did unnie, I feel like this is going to be very magical.”_

_And that it definitely was. The second the four of them walked into the pediatric department, they got welcomed by the doctors and nurses. “Ah everyone, Sooyoung-ah is back and she brought friends!” One of them said. Sooyoung introduced everyone to each other and said they brought cookies. One of the nurses led them to the designated hallway and they spent the day talking to the ill kids, cracking jokes, and Daeun-ah even suggested the four of them to sing Christmas carols in front of the kids._

_At some point, Daeun really clicked with one of the kids that she asked Sooyoung if it was okay if she could stay with her new friend until they had to go. The eldest didn’t protest. It was for that reason that they came here for, to meet new people and make new friends._

_Yunhee was the next one to click with one of the patients and Roseanne absolutely loved to see it. The Christmas spirit truly came alive._

_“You haven’t found your soulmate yet?” Sooyoung playfully asked as it was just the two of them now. “I did.”_

_“Wait, what? Who?” Was that jealousy Roseanne spotted? Or was she just hallucinating?_

_“You, silly! You’re my prince charming, remember?”_

_“Oh right,” Sooyoung giggled, “I forgot.”_

_Roseanne noticed one more bag in Sooyoung’s hand, “Oh shoot, did we forget someone?” Apparently Sooyoung had called the hospital a few days before to ask how many children were checked in, that way she would know how many cookies to bake._

_“Oh no, we’ve seen all the kids. This right here is for the person in room C492 in the Haematology ward.”_

_What an odd room number, Roseanne thought, or maybe she knew the patient in the room. “Oh, you know them?”_

_“I don’t, but it’s the room where my appa got treated. You could say that room holds a very special place in my heart, it’s silly right? Though he left nine years ago, I’m still very attached to that room.”_

_“It’s completely normal to be attached. And you said it yourself, you spent most of your days in that room. Nothing silly here. You want me to come with you or do you prefer doing it alone?”_

_“Come with me? If you don’t feel too awkward about it though.”_

_“Not at all, lead the way.”_

_Sooyoung grabbed Roseanne’s hand, almost as if it was in her instincts and led her to the other side of the building. Once arriving in the haematology ward, Sooyoung was once again greeted by the employees. She really didn’t lie when she said she was the hospital’s daughter._

_“They really love you here, wow.”_

_“They must, I’m a very lovable person. Those are your words by the way.”_

_“And I didn’t lie.”_

_room C492._

_“I’ll wait here,” Roseanne said. “Okay,” Sooyoung took a deep breath before knocking on the door and opening it. Roseanne stood against the wall and looked around her surroundings. Usually she didn’t really like being in hospitals, especially such wards. They just gave her bad vibes, but today, she didn’t mind being in this place. Maybe it was because her friend was able to lift up the Christmas spirit. Roseanne didn’t turn a blind eye to the way Sooyoung spoke to those kids and how she treated them with so much love._

_‘Damn, I’m really in love with her…’_

_Not five minutes later, Sooyoung came back from the hospital room, tears in her eyes. “Hey, is everything okay?” Roseanne whispered, making her way over to her friend. “Yeah, I just got major memories being in there, but it’s all good. The patient appreciated the cookies, but can’t eat them so he would give them to his kids.”_

_“That’s good.” Roseanne wiped away her friend’s tears and naturally smiled at her, “you’re a very good person.”_

_“Thank you, Chae.” Sooyoung threw her arms around Roseanne, and once again the latter caved in her friend’s embrace. “Are you wearing my perfume?” Roseanne then asked, when she smelled a very familiar scent attached to her friend. “I am, you always smell so nice so I sneakily used it on me.”_

_“You’re such a weirdo,” Roseanne said._

_“I’m a weirdo, an idiot, conceited, silly, annoying and the list goes on, but at the end of the day, you still love me.”_

_“Sadly enough, I do.”_

_“Shut up.”_

_“So are you going to let go of me soon?” Roseanne asked, though she didn’t mean it. She loved being in Sooyoung’s arms. “Nope.”_

•

_I guess you could say their Christmas was truly magical. The four of them returned home safely and Daeun couldn’t stop mentioning how much she had fun and wanted to go back to the hospital soon to visit her new friend. “So did you girls have fun?” Sooyoung’s dad asked them once they entered the house. “Appa, it was so much fun! Sooyoung-unnie is the coolest!” Yunhee said._

_“She is, isn’t she?”_

_“It’s been a very long day, you girls want to watch another movie?” Sooyoung’s mom asked._

_“No, I want Chaeyoung-unnie to give me a singing class! I’m so hyped!”_

_“A what now?” Everyone asked the nine-year old._

_“Oh that’s right, I promised Daeun I would teach her how to sing the other day. You really want to do this now though?”_

_“Yes! You can teach me how to sing Christmas songs!”_

_“Right, where do you want to do it?”_

_“In my room!”_

_“Can Yunhee and I come with? I’m sure you’d love to have some audience,” Sooyoung asked her little sister, but the youngest shook her head._

_“No audience! It’s just Chaeyoung-unnie and I! Come on, unnie!”_

_Roseanne mouthed a quick apology before Daeun dragged her with her up the stairs. Sooyoung just laughed and said it was okay and to have fun. “I’m so excited to learn from the best! I heard you sing earlier, I think I want to marry your voice!”_

_“You have a pretty voice as well, Daeun-ah,” and she meant it too, not just trying to be nice._

_“You really think so?”_

_“Of course, if you practice enough you will become a professional! Who knows? Maybe one day you’ll sell out big stages.”_

_“So how do you start singing?” Daeun curiously asked. “We start by warm ups, just like this: ‘hmmmmmmm’, it prevents you from damaging your vocals.”_

_“Hmmmmmmmm,” Daeun perfectly followed Roseanne’s instructions. She must’ve been a great student in school as well._

_After the warm up session, Roseanne got up from Daeun’s bed. “A singer sounds at their best when they stand up. It’s really easy, you try to feel one with the music, then you just sing your heart out. Closing your eyes can help as well. Wanna try it with me?”_

_“Yes!”_

_Roseanne and Daeun spent the evening singing Christmas carols, until Daeun started yawning and Roseanne realized it was getting late, “I think we should stop here or you will tire your voice.”_

_“I had so much fun, unnie! I’m really happy Sooyoung took you with her!”_

_“I’m happy she took me here as well, I love being here.”_

_Roseanne was very shocked and at a loss for words at Daeun’s next question, “Are you and unnie together?”_

_“Uh- w-what do you mean by that?”_

_“Are you and unnie together? Like a couple?” Where did that suddenly come from? “Uh n-no, Sooyoung and I are not together. Wh-What makes you think that?”_

_“Because you two act like it,” Daeun chuckled, “you’re always so cute together and when we had that snowball fight the other day she kept protecting you. You always laugh at her jokes, even when they’re not funny at all. You two always look at each other like princess Ariel and prince Eric look at each other, in love!”_

_“Oh n-no, we’re not. We’re just really close friends, and besides… Sooyoung-unnie is a girl,” Roseanne said. She wasn’t exactly proud of saying it, but she didn’t know what Daeun’s parents views were on homosexuality. The last thing she wanted was her to be repulsed by them for ‘forcing’ these views onto the nine-year old. Despite knowing a few very open minded people, South-Korea still remained a very conservative country. So she had to be careful with what she said and did._

_“So?”_

_“Two girls can’t be together…”_

_“That’s not true. Appa said two girls can be together and two boys can be together as long as they love each other! And appa is always right!” He said what now?_

_“He said that?”_

_“Yes, so you and Sooyoung-unnie can be together now!”_

_“It doesn’t work like that though, Daeun-ah.”_

_“Why not?”_

_“Because for two people to be together, they have to like each other a lot.”_

_“But… you and unnie like each other a lot?”_

_“That’s true,” Roseanne laughed, “but unnie likes me a lot like a very close friend.”_

_“Oh…” A frown grew on Daeun’s face, “Sooyoung-unnie doesn’t like you in a romantic way?” To that, Roseanne sadly shook her head._

_“And you?”_

_“What about me?”_

_“Do_ **_you_ ** _like unnie in a romantic way?” Was she really discussing her feelings for her friend with a nine-year old?_

_“I do…”_

_“Then why don’t you tell her? Maybe she will like you a lot in a romantic way too! That way you will always make each other really happy and you will be like my lawyer sister!”_

_“It’s called ‘sister-in-law’,” Roseanne corrected the young girl with a grin glued to her lips. “And wow, you have quite the imagination, don’t you?”_

_“I think you should tell her, unnie!”_

_“I can’t. If I tell her I like her, there’s a huge possibility she will say she doesn’t like me in a romantic way, and that might destroy our friendship. And I value my friendship with your sister so much.”_

_“Oh…”_

_“Yeah…”_

_“But there is still a small possibility she likes you back, unnie! Which is why I think you should tell her!” Roseanne had yet to come out to Sooyoung, yet Daeun already wanted Roseanne to confess towards her sister. “Oh, I have an idea! I think you should confess to her through your favorite love song! Or even better, I think you need to write a song for unnie!”_

_“Yeah, I think I should put you to sleep now. It’s getting quite late.”_

_“Fine,” Daeun huffed._

_Roseanne helped Daeun get ready for bed, and kissed the nine-year old on the forehead._

_“Daeun-ah, can I ask you something?”_

_“No need to worry unnie, your secret is very safe with me.”_

_“How did you even kn-” “Goodnight, unnie.”_

•

_“First she steals you from me during the movie, and then she steals you from me for a singing class. I can’t believe I have competition against a nine-year old,” Sooyoung sulked once Roseanne entered the room._

_“Steal you? Am I your possession?” Roseanne mockingly asked. “Shut up, I really needed my cuddles, you know?”_

_“I’m here now, so you can get your cuddles and stop moping around, unnie.” Roseanne said in a childlike tone. “I’m_ **_not_ ** _moping.”_

_“Sure, you aren’t.”_

_“Can you just come here already? I’m lacking vitamin C. Get it? C from Chaeyoung?” The older girl laughed at her own joke. “You’re so lame,” Roseanne shook her head as she got in the bathroom._

_“Say what you want, you still love me though!”_

_True._

_Roseanne came back a few moments later and got in Sooyoung’s bed. The latter shifted closer to the redhead, arm around Roseanne’s middle, face so close that Roseanne could feel Sooyoung breathing down her neck._

_“Finally.”_

_“You’re so dramatic, unnie.” Roseanne tried to sound very casual, but that was really hard to do, especially when Sooyoung’s lips touched the back of her neck._

_‘Why is she doing this to me?’_

_“How was the singing class with Daeun? I can’t believe she never asked me for a singing class.”_

_“Jealous much?”_

_“Yes, I am jealous, but not of you. I’m jealous of Daeun-ah. Soon you’ll want to divorce me to marry my damn sister.”_

_“Divorce you?”_

_“Yes, we’re married, Ariel. Remember?” Right, they were still playing their designated characters. “Don’t worry, I would_ _never_ _divorce you. I promised you forever, didn’t I? So there’s nothing to worry about. And the singing class went really well, she’s a natural talent. Soon, she’ll be hitting high notes like Ariana Grande.”_

_“I would love to hear it,” Though they weren’t facing each other, Roseanne could tell Sooyoung was smiling._

_“But you know what I would love to hear more?”_

_“Tell me…” Roseanne whispered._

_“You singing me to sleep.”_

_“Fine, but only if you sing with me.”_

_Out of all songs, the duo sang Part Of Your World by the Little Mermaid. Sooyoung’s choice._

•

_The last day in Gwangju, their last day at Sooyoung’s household. Damn, how three weeks could pass by so fast. Just yesterday Roseanne had met her friend’s family members, and now they were already saying their goodbyes._

_“Please visit us soon again, Chaeyoung-ssi. We absolutely loved having you here!” Sooyoung’s mom pulled the young girl in a hug. “I’ll see what I can do, I’d love to come back.”_

_“I’ll miss you, unnie. Please return safely,” Yunhee said next. “I’ll miss you too, but we’ll definitely keep in touch, alright? And never hesitate to reach out to Sooyoung-unnie or me when things get too hard in school or just life in general, got that?”_

_“Yes, got that. Thank you once again,” Also they hugged and Roseanne realized how badly she wanted to stay. Next was Daeun, who already had tears in her eyes. “Aigoo, please don’t cry, you’re gonna make me cry as well.” Roseanne pouted. “When will I see you again? I don’t think I can wait until next Christmas to see you again? You’re coming next Christmas, right?”_

_“Ah, I’m not very sure. I might be visiting my own family in Australia next Christmas, but you will definitely see me again very very soon. I promise!”_

_“You have to pinky-promise…”_

_Roseanne leveled down to Daeun’s height and locked their pinkies, “I pinky promise you that you will see me again very very soon.”_

_Daeun threw her arms around Roseanne’s neck and the latter knew she’d miss Daeun the most._

_“Please tell her soon, unnie. I think Sooyoung-unnie likes you back too,” Daeun quietly whispered, audible enough for only Roseanne to hear. “How do you know for sure?”_

_“Unnie, I have eyes.”_

_“I’ll consider it.”_

_“Unnie, promise me you will? Please? Like I said, write a song…”_

_“I can’t just promise that Daeun-ah…”_

_“Right…”_

_“Cheer up, whoever gets to be with your sister, whether it be me or someone else will be very lucky and will make her the happiest.”_

_“You_ **_already_ ** _make her the happiest, unnie. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Sooyoung-unnie this happy, even Yunhee-unnie agreed with me.”_

_“You told Yunhee?”_

_“Of course not unnie, I told you your secret is safe with me. But Yunhee-unnie and I talked about you two. Even she thinks Sooyoung-unnie likes you.”_

_“Hey, what are you two chit-chatting about?” Sooyoung spoke up. “That’s a secret! Right, unnie?”_

_“Indeed, a very big secret.”_

_“Whatever, anyways Daeun-ah, where is my hug? I’m leaving too, you know?”_

_“Right here, unnie!” The nine-year old let go of Roseanne and ran into Sooyoung’s arms. “I’ll miss you so much, unnie.”_

•

_Sooyoung’s dad had dropped the two girls off at the station and now the two of them were on the train on their way back to Seoul to spend the rest of the break at Sooyoung’s apartment. “So what were you and Daeun-ah talking about?” Sooyoung asked._

_‘Fuck.’_

_“That’s a secret.”_

_“Sure you can tell me, I’m very good at keeping secrets as well!”_

_“Not a chance.”_

_“Lame.”_

_Sooyoung rested her head on Roseanne’s shoulder, “So, what did you think of this stay?”_

_“I really really enjoyed it. I love your family.”_

_“I’m glad you did. I was kind of scared you wouldn’t really enjoy it here and be bored.”_

_“Of course not, silly. I really had the time of my life. Though, I’m not very sure if I’m gonna have the time of my life at your apartment.”_

_“I won’t tolerate any slander of my apartment.”_

_“Alright, I’m sorry.”_

_Sooyoung took Roseanne’s hand and kissed it, “I forgive you.”_

_The butterflies invaded Roseanne’s stomach. Every day was getting harder and harder to hide her feelings for her friend. She actually considered trying out Daeun’s idea: write a song. She had written down some verses already, but she didn’t know how to continue and she still feared rejection the most._

_“Hey, I was invited for a New Year’s party taking place Saturday. I wasn’t really planning on going when I received the invitation, but now that I have someone to bring, do you want to go with me?”_

_“Oh sure, I like parties.”_

_“Awesome.” And right after that, Sooyoung fell asleep on Roseanne, but what the latter didn’t know was that Sooyoung dreamt of her._

•

_It’s been about a week at Sooyoung’s apartment and so far, Roseanne has been loving every single minute here. The two of them would wake up and bake in the morning. They went to the local food market a few days ago, played board games, did the laundry together, played on Sooyoung’s piano when they got bored, and watched movies. Tonight, they would attend a party that one of Sooyoung’s friends hosted._

_“Oh wow Chaeyoung-ah, you look…”_

_“Is it too much? Ah, I should probably change into something else.” She was wearing a purple velvet mini dress._

_“No, not at all! You look drop dead gorgeous, I mean you always look drop dead gorgeous to me, but wow.”_

_“You think so?” Roseanne blushed._

_“Absolutely.”_

_“You look gorgeous as well, unnie.” And she did._

_The college girls arrived at said destination. They took the elevator to the sixth floor and could already hear the music blasting. The door of her friend’s apartment, or more like the door of her friend’s penthouse was wide open. They walked in and were immediately welcomed by a blonde girl who freed them from their coats, “Ah you actually came! I thought you wouldn’t come.”_

_“True, but I brought a friend with me. Yerin this is Chaeyoung, Chaeyoung meet Yerin.”_

_“Nice to meet you,” Roseanne wanted to bow down but Yerin didn’t let her, “aish, come on this is a party! Let’s drop the formalities.”_

_“Right.”_

_“Well, I’ll leave you two be. The drinks are over there and the dancefloor is right th- well the dancefloor is everywhere actually!” And she disappeared. “Oh wow, and I thought Daeun was the most energetic person.”_

_“That’s because she’s drunk as fuck.”_

_“Now,” Sooyoung held her hand out, “shall we dance?”_

_Roseanne put her hand in Sooyoung’s “We shall.”_

_Sooyoung dragged Roseanne to the middle of the dancefloor. They united as they felt the rhythm of the music. The redhead felt her adrenaline flowing through her veins as Sooyoung suddenly held her close to her. Their sweaty bodies stuck to each other like shadows._

_“You’re so sexy, Chae!” Sooyoung yelled over the music. Did she hear that one right? Did Sooyoung just call her sexy? Was she dreaming this?_

_“Ah shut up!”_

_“Never! I think you’re the sexiest even, especially in this dress!” The older girl wasn’t even drunk to be saying all of that, so Roseanne had no idea on how to react to that._

_‘I mean, how does one react when their crush calls them sexy?’ She asked herself._

_“Show me your best moves tonight,” Sooyoung whispered in Roseanne’s ear. “Just like that.” Sooyoung took the lead. She turned Roseanne around and pressed her chest against the redhead’s back, swaying to the beat of the music. The nervosity suddenly left Roseanne’s body. Lost in the music and in Sooyoung’s arms. Nothing else mattered. The temperature of her body rose when Sooyoung carefully sang along with the lyrics of the song. Her lips touched Roseanne’s ear and Roseanne enjoyed every second of it. Eventually the latter turned around to be face to face with her friend,“I think we should get something to drink before we dry out.”_

_The two of them walked past the people on the floor, trying to get off the dancefloor. “I didn’t know you could dance like that,” Sooyoung spoke in Roseanne’s ear as she shortly followed behind her friend to not lose her amongst the mass of people._

_“Just following your lead, unnie. You have quite some moves as well, I’m surprised.”_

_The two hydrated their bodies and ended up somewhere on a balcony. The cold winter breeze blowing through their hair. Just the two of them. Minutes passed, maybe even hours? They had no idea on how long they'd been out there, but their conversation never died. At a sudden moment, Roseanne could see Sooyoung staring at her from the corner of her eyes._

_“Do I have something on my face?”_

_“Nope,” Sooyoung shook her head, “just enjoying the view.” Her laugh felt like music in Roseanne’s ears._

_“Your side profile is so beautiful. Chaeyoung-ah…”_

_There it was again… the flirting. And suddenly Daeun’s words danced around in her head._

_‘Are you and unnie together?’_

_‘You two look at each other like prince Eric and princess Ariel look at each other.’_

_‘I have eyes, unnie.’_

_And maybe Daeun was right. Roseanne had been quietly observing her friend this past week, and she did notice a couple of things about Sooyoung. She was always patient with Roseanne, really showed interest in whatever Roseanne had to say, she always automatically smiled whenever their eyes met, and most importantly, she made Roseanne feel like she meant something more than just a friend. Roseanne thought a lot about it, and compared Sooyoung’s gestures to her best friends’ gestures. And she came to the conclusion that whatever it was that her and Sooyoung had was more than just two friends who cared for each other. Whenever her and Sooyoung were together, she felt more than complete._

_‘She feels the same… she has to… there is no other explanation.’_

_“And you look mesmerizing tonight,” Roseanne felt brave enough to tuck a strand of Sooyoung’s hair behind her ear, “you always do.”_

_“Cutie.”_

_She wasn’t believing her. Roseanne could tell. And maybe tonight was the moment. The moment to finally confess to her friend. There could only be one outcome of the two possible outcomes: Either Sooyoung reciprocated those feelings towards Roseanne, and maybe they could be something more,_ **_or_ ** _Roseanne misread the signs and Sooyoung didn’t reciprocate her feelings and they would be very awkward around each other for the next two weeks. She was hoping for the first outcome._

_“I think we should head back inside. You’re starting to shiver,” Sooyoung enveloped Roseanne in her arms as she guided them back inside._

_“Actually… Can we go back home? I’m getting really tired.” She wasn’t exactly lying. All that dancing really exhausted her, but she wanted to go back to Sooyoung’s apartment so they could really be alone. “Sure, I’ll go ask Yerin where she put our coats. Wait here for me, okay?” Roseanne nodded like a child and Sooyoung flashed her one more smile before disappearing in the crowd._

_“This better work or I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself…”_

_“Hey, aren’t you a student in SNU?,” a guy approached the redhead, startling her a bit. “Oh yeah, how’d you know?”_

_“I think I’ve seen you on campus before.”_

_Totally not creepy at all._

_“Jaehyun is the name, and you are?”_

_“Chaeyoung.”_

_“Lovely name, so are you friends with Yerin as well? This is a sick party, isn’t it?”_

_‘Where is Sooyoung?’_

_“Uh no, I came here with a friend and yeah it is.”_

_“Oh that’s cool, so where is he at? Don’t tell me your friend ditched you? Who would ditch such a pretty girl?”_

_“My friend is a_ **_she_** _, and she went to get our jackets. We’re leaving.”_

_“Already? Ah, I actually wanted to get to know you better.”_

_‘Well, that’s too bad, isn’t it?’_

_“Maybe some other time,” Chaeyoung forced a smile before looking away from him. “Some other time? Does that mean I can get your number? You know? So we can at least get to know each other through text?”_

**_‘Way to go Roseanne,’_ ** _the little voice said._

_“Uh, my friend is coming soon.”_

_‘Where the fuck is Sooyoung?’_

_“Sure you can take five seconds of your night to write down your number?” The Jaehyun guy shoved his phone in her face._

_‘What now?’_

_She took the device from his phone and tapped down the digits. Right when she was about to give it back to him, she heard Sooyoung’s voice, “Chaeyoung-ah, come on let’s go.”_

_“I have to go,” she pressured an apologetic smile onto her lips, yet feeling anything but apologetic. “I’ll see you around then,” The guy left a kiss on her cheek and she had never felt so repulsed by anything or anyone else before. What happened to boundaries?_

_“Chae…” Sooyoung was getting impatient._

_The redhead distanced herself from the Jaehyun guy and walked towards Sooyoung. The latter didn’t wait and pulled Chaeyoung closer to her by holding her by the waist, “Come on, let’s go.” There was something different about Sooyoung. She looked rather pissed. “Is everything okay, unnie? You took long, did something happen?”_

_“Nothing happened, let’s just go.” Roseanne didn’t know who Sooyoung was trying to fool, but it wasn’t her. Her voice sounded so different from earlier. The voice that would always feel so warm was so cold all of a sudden._

_“Are you sure?”_

_“Yes, come on we’re going to miss our bus.”_

_Something definitely happened._

_Their bus ride back home was nothing but awkward. Sooyoung didn’t touch Roseanne once, which felt so strange. Sooyoung would always touch Roseanne whenever she’d get the chance, so for her to leave space between them was very uncommon._

_“Unnie?” She wanted to know if her friend was okay, but Sooyoung pretended she didn’t hear that. “Unnie?” Roseanne repeated louder this time. “What?” Her eyes looked daggers at Roseanne._

_‘Damn, she’s never talked to me like this?’ and that’s when she was starting to get second thoughts about her plan. ‘Maybe this isn’t a great idea afterall, it’s fucking stupid.’_

_“Uhm nevermind.”_

_No further words were exchanged. They got off the public transport at their stop and walked in silence to Sooyoung’s apartment building._

_‘Maybe I shouldn’t confess to her at all. If this is what it feels like to have an awkward tension with Sooyoung, then I don’t think I could put up with that for two more weeks if she were to reject me.’ Roseanne said to herself. The silence was killing her. Not having Sooyoung’s hand holding hers or not having Sooyoung’s arm around was killing her. Hesitating whether or not to confess to her friend was killing her._

**_‘Don’t do it,’_ ** _her consciousness told her._ **_‘You’ll only make things more awkward between you two.’_ **

_They arrived at Sooyoung’s apartment and Roseanne went straight to her friend’s bedroom. Not even bothered to change or get ready for the night. She hid under the blanket and lied down on the very extreme of the bed. Eyes closed, but she was still very awake._

_‘Maybe this is the universe telling me I shouldn’t do it.’_

_‘Damn, I really thought I could make her mine by serenading her with a stupid song.’_

_‘Why do I have to be such a hopeless romantic?’_

_She was so caught up in her mind that she didn’t even hear Sooyoung enter the room and get in bed as well._

_“Chaeyoung?”_

_‘What if I misread all those signs?’_

_“Chaeyoung-ah, are you asleep?”_

_‘She’s never acted this cold towards me.’_

_‘She’s not into me, is she?’_

_A hand on her shoulder broke her away from her thoughts, “Chaeyoung-ah?” She didn’t react. She pretended to be asleep. She heard Sooyoung sigh and felt the latter removing her hand, “I’m really sorry for acting so rude earlier, Chaeyoung-ah. Aish, stupid me and my jealousy…”_

_‘Jealousy?’_

_‘What does that mean?’_

_‘Why would she be jealous? Who would she be jealous of? Did she like someone else?’_

_“But as long as he’ll treat you like the princess you are, then I have no room to talk.”_

_‘He?’_

_‘Did Sooyoung just confirm she likes me? No, it can’t be.’_

_‘What the hell is going on?’_

_“Whatever, goodnight Chaeyoung-ah. I really am sorry.”_

_And the two of them dozed off to dreamland, both dreaming of each other._

•

_That next morning, Roseanne felt unusually cold, despite being covered by the thick blanket. And that was because there was a ridiculous amount of space between her and Sooyoung. This was the first morning since their first morning in Gwangju that she didn’t wake up in Sooyoung’s arms, it felt so odd. She had gotten so familiar and so used to Sooyoung’s embrace that this didn’t feel natural. Her friend was still asleep, facing her back towards her._

_Roseanne sat up and realized she was still in last night’s outfit, “Ugh, I better go take a shower.”_

_After getting showered and having changed in just an oversized T-shirt that easily passed as a dress, she returned to the bedroom, where Sooyoung was already awake._

_“Morning.”_

_“Morning.”_

_Awkward._

_The latter got out of bed and left the bedroom, probably off to the bathroom. The redhead looked for her phone and plugged it in when noticing it was dead. Once the screen lit up, a bunch of notifications appeared from an unsaved contact._

_“What the hell?” She quietly murmured. “I'm pretty sure it’s not him?” And thank God, it wasn’t the Jaehyun guy from last night. She unlocked her phone and opened her conversation, only to be spammed with a bunch of selfies from Daeun._

**[FROM - unsaved contact]:**

_Good morning unnie! 😘😘😘_ _😊😊😊❤️❤️❤️_

**[TO - unsaved contact]:**

_Good morning to you too 😘😊❤️, how did you even get my imessage?_

**[FROM - unsaved contact]:**

_From Yunhee-unnie! Eomma and appa bought a new iPad for everyone to use! Now I can talk to you unnie!_

_“Gwiyeo!” Roseanne silently squealed. She chatted for a bit with the nine-year old, who made quite some spelling mistakes, but it was very adorable. She couldn’t erase the smile from her face._

_“You look happy.”_

_She didn’t even know Sooyoung was back._

_“Oh, I didn’t notice you’re back.”_

_The awkwardness was eating her alive._

_“Of course you didn’t, you’re too busy texting your new potential boyfriend,” Sooyoung said in a teasing way, but Roseanne sensed an underlying bitterness in her friend’s words._

_Roseanne squinted her eyebrows, “New potential boyfriend?”_

_“Come on, don’t play dumb with me, Chae. I saw you two, though he will still have to pass through me first.”_

_“I’m_ **_not_ ** _playing with you, unnie. I really have no idea what or who you’re talking about?”_

_“The guy you were with last night? The one I saw you give your phone number to? The one who kissed your cheek right before we left?” And suddenly, it all made sense to Roseanne. The sudden change in Sooyoung’s behavior, the no more touching, Sooyoung apologizing to ‘sleepy’ Roseanne for being jealous. She connected all the dots within a few seconds and concluded that: ‘She likes me?’_

_“I’m sorry for the way I acted last night by the way, I just- I was- I’m sorry, Chae. It’s just, I didn’t like how the guy was approaching you last night and I tend to get overprotective, but I was acting cold towards you and I shouldn’t have. But if you want to start going out with him, then I’m not stopping you.”_

_It was all a misunderstanding._

_“Oh- uh unnie, I think you misunderstood the situation?”_

_“Huh?”_

_“I eh, I didn’t give him my number… and I’m not texting him…”_

_“Then who are you texting?”_

_“Daeun-ah,” she revealed her screen to Sooyoung who read the conversation between Roseanne and Daeun._

_“Oh, I’m sorry I just assumed that- because I saw you give back his phone and he kissed you so… oh God, I’m so sorry…”_

_“No unnie, I gave him a random phone number and well he kissed me out of nowhere, so I didn’t even get the chance to swerve him.”_

_“Damn… I’m so stupid.”_

_“You’re not stupid, unnie.”_

_“I am, it’s just- I know how guys can get, they appear really sweet and then they break your heart and I don’t know- I’m really sorry.”_

_Maybe now was finally the moment to come out to her friend? “You will never have to worry about guys playing me, unnie.”_

_“I know, I know, you’re a grown and strong woman and don’t need me to protect you from guys, bu-” “No unnie, you don’t ever have to worry about a guy playing me, because I would never date a guy… I’m into girls.”_

_Finally, that was out._

_“Wait, you’re a lesbian?” Sooyoung seemed surprised, but luckily not in a repulsive way._

_“Yeah, I eh- I’ve liked girls my whole life,” a faint chuckle left her mouth. “I’m sorry, I should’ve told you sooner, but I guess you could say I was scared…”_

_Sooyoung was visibly offended, “Of what? You know I would never judge you, Chae. I thought I made that clear on Christmas,”_

_“I wasn’t scared of getting judged by you, unnie. I was scared of words slipping out of my mouth and facing rejection…”_

_“Rejection?”_

_There was no way out now._

_“Uh yeah, I ehm- I think I- just follow me.”_

_Roseanne got out of the bed. Her feet took her to Sooyoung’s living room where the piano was standing in the middle of._

_“I’ve been working on a song, and I finished it two days ago.”_

_“What does that have to do with being scared of facing rejection though? I don’t get it…”_

_“I think you’ll understand better once you let me sing the song.”_

_“Uh yeah, sure… go ahead.”_

_‘Come on, you’ve got this Chae.’_

_Roseanne’s fingers gently hit the keys, as she let herself drown into the sound of the music. Her heart started beating fast when her eyes met Sooyoung’s._

**_“I dedicate this song to you_ **

**_I don't know what I would do_ **

**_If you ever left me now_ **

**_My heart would fall to the ground”_ **

_Her gaze fell upon the piano as she expressed her feelings, her heart to the one girl she loved._

**_“Started off_ **

**_It always starts off_ **

**_With things going very well_ **

**_Like beginnings of fairy tales”_ **

_A smile graced her face as she remembered the way they met. Thinking back, she believes it was love at first sight._

**_“We make each other laugh and smile_ **

**_That's why I need you around_ **

**_When I'm with you, I'm the happiest_ **

**_'Cause you're the meaning of happiness”_ **

**_“I dedicate this song to you_ **

**_I don't know what I would do_ **

**_If you ever left me now_ **

**_My heart would fall to the ground”_ **

**_“I dedicate this song to you_ **

**_I don't know what I would do_ **

**_If you ever left me now_ **

**_My heart would fall to the ground”_ **

_She looked at Sooyoung once more, to read her reaction, but the latter had her eyes closed._

**_“Woah Woah_ **

**_Woah, oh, oh_ **

**_Woah Woah_ **

**_Woah, oh, oh”_ **

**_“Wanna kiss you and make love_ **

**_And I don’t wanna give up_ **

**_Girl you know what you’re made of_ **

**_This is, is why I hate love”_ **

_Sooyoung finally opened her eyes, and Roseanne noticed the glinst of tears in her eyes, but she continued pouring her heart out._

**_“Girl, I'm doing everything that I can_ **

**_It’d hurt to see you with another one_ **

**_Girl, I couldn’t take it, na, na_ **

**_I couldn’t take it”_ **

**_“Without the one I love_ **

**_My life is incomplete_ **

**_I won't put no one above you girl_ **

**_And don't you do that to me”_ **

**_“I love everything about you, girl_ **

**_Right from your head to your feet_ **

**_And you’re just so perfect_ **

**_There ain't no one else to compete with”_ **

**_“No one else is on my mind girl_ **

**_All I want is you (All I want is you)_ **

**_Another girl is hard to find_ **

**_I don't want no one new”_ **

**_“Just tell me what you’re going through_ **

**_Just tell me what you need_ **

**_You know I'm right by your side_ **

**_So baby, please don't leave”_ **

**_“I dedicate this song to you_ **

**_I don't know what I would do_ **

**_If you ever left me now_ **

**_My heart would fall to the ground”_ **

_She slowed down the tempo of the song_

**_“I dedicate this song to you_ **

**_I don't know what I would do_ **

**_If you ever left me now_ **

**_My heart would fall to the ground”_ **

_She awaited a reaction from Sooyoung, but her expression was unreadable._

_“You were fearing rejection, because you’re_ **_in love_ ** _with me?”_

_Roseanne swallowed the lump in her throat, “I… I think I’ve been in love with you since the day we met at the library. Ever since that day you’ve been consuming my mind. You were, and you still are, all I think of. It all happened so fast, but yeah… I’m in love with you.”_

_Sooyoung got up from the chair she was sitting on, and Roseanne immediately stood up as well, thinking Sooyoung was going to walk away, “Please don’t g-” She didn’t even get the chance to finish her sentence. She got captured by a pair of lips on hers. Roseanne didn’t think twice about it and kissed Sooyoung back._

_This. She had been longing for this moment since forever. Finally, she got to kiss the girl she fell in love with and it was everything she had ever dreamt of._

_“I’ve been wanting to kiss you ever since I realized I was falling for you.”_

_“What? When was that?”_

_“When I asked you why you weren’t dating anyone yet… I think I’ve liked you long before that, but I must’ve really realized it at that moment. But wow, you really kept it to yourself this whole time?”_

_“Well… Daeun, Lisa, and Wendy knew, so I didn’t keep it entirely to myself. I think even Yunhee knows, but I’m not sure.”_

_“Daeun knew? You told her?”_

_“I didn’t even have to, she put two and two together and figured it out,” Roseanne explained everything to Sooyoung. “She was the one who told me to write you a song.”_

_“You really took relationship advice from my nine-year old little sister? I can’t believe this,” Sooyoung bursted in a fit of laughter. “Shut up! It worked, didn’t it?”_

_“That? It definitely did,” Sooyoung kissed Roseanne once more._

The blonde woman woke up from her slumber, realizing she wasn’t sleeping on Wendy’s shoulder anymore. Her eyes slowly opened, trying to identify her surroundings, she was in her apartment. Her head was throbbing and her body felt very weak, despite the amount of sleep she just got. She took all the little amount of strength she still had left to get out of bed. It was very dark outside. She must’ve been sleeping ever since this afternoon. She stood on her feet and sauntered out of her bedroom. She felt like utter shit, and not just physically. The memories kept haunting her. Always so vivid in her head.

Once in the kitchen, she noticed two bottles on the marble island. A bottle of Ibuprofen and a bottle of water with a post-it attached to it.

**_‘Damn Chae, you really lived like this for the past 12 months? :( We cleaned your place while you dozed off. You’re probably gonna have a headache when you wake up so take this please, and make sure to eat something before taking it, you should_ _never_ _take meds on an empty stomach. We prepared some Japchae, it’s in the fridge. Have a good night sleep Chaeng-ah, we love you so much <3 Wannie & Lili’ _**

“I don’t deserve you guys,” Roseanne said, despite her being all alone in the place. She made herself a mental reminder to make sure to thank her friends for the gesture. Truth was, she wasn’t hungry at all. But she wasn’t going to waste the food, especially when it was cooked with so much love. She missed this. Eating homemade food. She couldn’t even remember the last time she ate homemade food. 

She took out the food from the fridge and heated it up in the microwave.

_‘Ting!’_

Roseanne slightly jumped at the sound. She took the plate out and placed it on the island. She sat on one of the stools and forced herself to eat, but had lost all appetite as soon as the smell of the food went up her nose. Not because it was bad, but because the smell triggered unwanted memories that had been haunting her day and night for the past twelve months. The unwanted memories made her feel so nauseous.

“I can’t…” the woman whispered to herself. 

“I can’t do this,” the utensils slipped through her fingers onto the table, and she rushed herself out of the kitchen, but on her way out, she tripped and fell. Lying there on the floor, not bothered to get up again. Crying uncontrollably. As if she were a marionette controlled by some external being.

“I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”

Roseanne balled up, clutching onto her legs, taking short breaths to try and ceaze the pain in her entire body. But whatever she did, the pain kept growing. “It hurts,” she yelped, but no one could hear her. Her voice disappeared in the void of the apartment. 

“It hurts so fucking much.” She felt completely shattered. Destroyed. Defeated.

“I just want her back…please just let her come back to me!” She begged whoever was responsible for this. 

It was a cry for help.

Roseanne lied on the cold floor. Cold chills activating the contraction of her muscles, as she started shivering as if she were on the Northpole. Thoughts and memories of her and Sooyoung flooded her mind. The more images flashed in her head, the stronger the aching would get.

_“Morning,” Sooyoung yawned._

_“Morning to you too sleepyhead,” Roseanne greeted her girlfriend back._

_Three months into their relationship and today was finally their hundredth day together._

_“Where are you going?” Sooyoung questioned her girlfriend when she saw Roseanne was already dressed and ready to leave her apartment. “Where does it look like I’m going? I’m going to class, silly.”_

_“Oh…” Sooyoung’s face dropped, “but I thought you’d skip classes so we’d have a day to ourselves today,” Sooyoung said, “explore the world, go on an adventure!”_

_“As much as I would_ **_love_ ** _to explore the world with you today, I have three seminars with mandatory attendance today, I really can’t miss those.”_

 _“Oh come on, I barely see you and today is supposed to be_ **_our_ ** _day,” Sooyoung opened her arms, initiating for Roseanne to come sit on her lap. “What do you mean you barely saw me? I slept here two nights, and we eat together almost every day,” Roseanne giggled as she occupied her girlfriend’s lap. “I know…” Sooyoung pouted like a kid, “but I just want to see you around here more often. It tends to get really lonely and I’m afraid only you can fight the loneliness in my heart.”_

_“Have you been reading tumblr poems?”_

_“Stop making fun of my longing for you, that’s not cool.”_

_“Sometimes I feel like I’m dating a baby, you know?”_

_“Well, aren’t I your baby?” Sooyoung pushed her bottom lip forward, creating a pouty face. Roseanne’s muscles couldn’t suppress the smile growing on her lips,“You_ **_are_ ** _my baby.”_

_“Good.” Sooyoung leaned in and kissed Roseanne’s lips. Just like the first time, the spark was still present._

_“Happy one hundred days, I love you,” Roseanne said as soon as their lips detached from each other._

_“I love you too.”_

_It was so sincere._

_“I finish classes around four in the afternoon.”_

_“Damn, that’s… long.”_

_“I’m sorry baby, I know how much you wanted us to have a day for ourselves,” Roseanne hid her head in the crook of Sooyoung’s neck. It fit like a puzzle missing its last piece. “No, don’t apologize. You should prioritize your education, I’m just being desperate right now.”_

_“Being the attention seeker you’ve always been, huh?”_

_“Shut up, you enjoy it when I crave your attention.”_

_“I do, it makes me feel like I’m really important to you.”_

_“Because you are. I’ve known you for like what now? Nine months? And we’ve only been together for three months, but I’m not lying when I say you’re one of the most important people in my life.”_

_“I know you’re not, and trust me when I say I feel the same about you. You’re like my safe place.”_

_“Aish we better not get too soft before I crack and refuse to let you go to class,” a small giggle escaped Sooyoung’s mouth._

_“On second thought, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea.”_

_“Shut up, I don’t think your parents would appreciate me being in the way of your road to success and I don’t think my parents would appreciate that either.”_

_“Your parents don’t even know about us,” Roseanne laughed._

_“I know, it’s just- it’s not like I’m ashamed of you or of us or anything, it’s just that my whole life I thought I was straight and we only got together when we left Gwangju and this is a big deal to me so I don’t want to come out and announce our relationship over the phone, you know?”_

_“Hey? I was just kidding, you come out to your parents however and whenever you want. It’s_ **_your_ ** _coming out, unnie and I know how nerve wracking it can be, so that’s why I want you to know I’ll be by your side,_ **_always_ ** _.”_

_“What did I do to deserve you again?” Sooyoung grinned as she drew Roseanne in with a kiss. “You stole my heart,” the latter responded as soon as their lips separated._

_“Being greasy really doesn’t suit you, never do that again, please,” Sooyoung pretended to cringe, yet her lips curled up in the brightest smile. “Whatever, I have to go or I’ll be late. I’ll text you right after class, okay?”_

_“Okay, have fun without me.”_

_They kissed again, until Roseanne got off Sooyoung’s lap. “Ow one more? I won’t see you all day…” Sooyoung pleaded with her big puppy-dog eyes, though they made her look like a baby chick with the way she pouted her lips. “You’re so dramatic,” Roseanne rolled her eyes, yet she gladly planted a kiss on Sooyoung’s forehead, followed by her nose until their lips met._

_“Have a great day, and clean your apartment, it’s a mess.”_

_“I didn’t know you were my mother?”_

_“Bye!”_

_“Have a great day as well, I love you.”_

_“I love you more!” Roseanne said as she walked out of her room. As soon as she exited her girlfriend’s apartment, she received a message from Sooyoung. A selfie of herself with tears, captioned with:_

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 09:03 AM]:**

miss you already :(( my heart is </3

**[TO Sooyoungie 💚 - 09:04 AM]:**

oh no :( have you tried putting it in rice?

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 09:04 AM]:**

you know what…

**[TO Sooyoungie 💚 - 09:04 AM]:**

jk, don’t be sad :(( ilysm xxx

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 09:05 AM]:**

love you so much more, princess xxx

_“God, I’m so fucking whipped for her,” Roseanne sighed once the elevator doors opened._

•

_Finally, the end of the day arrived. “You look like you’re in a rush, you good?” One of Roseanne’s fellow law students, Jennie, asked her. They talked from time to time, but weren’t exactly close. Jennie was in a year higher up, but had to retake this class. “Uh yeah, I have somewhere to be,” Roseanne explained as she was gathering all of her stuff._

_“Date with your girlfriend?” The girl asked._

_“What?” Roseanne was confused. She tried to keep her relationship with Sooyoung on the low as they limited themselves to holding each other’s hands in public. Partly because Sooyoung was still new to all of this and partly because the stigmatisation around homosexuality was still very present in South-Korea. Sure, Seoul was more open minded, but they still had to be very careful._

_“You make it quite obvious whenever you sneakily text her. I’ve seen you two hang around on campus before and though you weren’t really being intimate, I could tell by the way you two looked at each other that there was something more going on.”_

_‘Oh shit.’_

_“Unless, I’m misinterpreting the situation…”_

_“You are,” Roseanne was quick to go in defensive mode. “We’re just really close friends. Nothing more going on between her and I.” She hated lying about her relationship status, but anything to protect them._

_Roseanne’s phone made a little sound, making the screen lit up as she received a message._

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:04 PM]:**

patiently waiting for your text…

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:04 PM]:**

i think i’m gonna fall off the face of the earth

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:04 PM]:**

hello kidnapper? i miss my girlfriend, can you please bring her back to me? >:(

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:04 PM]:**

missing your kithes :(

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:04 PM]:**

omg are you breaking up with me :((((((

_Roseanne quickly locked her phone and turned it around, screen facing the table._

_“I eh- I have to go, but I’ll see you next week?”_

_She didn’t wait for Jennie to reply and left the classroom where they held their seminars in smaller groups._

_“Damn you, Sooyoung.”_

**[TO Sooyoung 💚 - 05:06 PM]:**

you’re annoying

**[FROM Sooyoung 💚 - 05:06 PM]:**

omo, you’re alive?! :o

_But how could she even be annoyed with Sooyoung when she was the cutest ever? She bit on her lip to stop herself from smiling so hard and texted back her girlfriend._

**[To Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:07 PM]:**

_i forget to text you right after class and you’re already thinking the worst? you’re so annoying :/_

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:08 PM]:**

say whatever you want, i know you smiled

**[TO Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:08 PM]:**

i can’t stand you, i think

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:08 PM]:**

well, no one asked you to stand? you can also sit…

_‘Oh my god,” Roseanne thought to herself, shaking her head as she tried not to laugh at the lame comment._

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:09 PM]:**

preferably on my lap. it’s free real estate, baby

_The laugh that went out Roseanne’s mouth, startled a few people in the hallway. She apologized and made her way out of the building, finally being outside._

**[TO Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:10 PM]:**

shut up

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:10 PM]:**

i will once you come home </3

_Home. Reading that word made Roseanne feel some type of way. A good type of way._

**[TO Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:10 PM]:**

omo, you’re in Australia rn? _😳_

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:11 PM]:**

_aish, i didn’t mean THAT home. i meant come here_ _😔_

**[TO Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:11 PM]:**

pretty sure i don’t live in your apartment, therefore it can’t be my home

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:11 PM]:**

well, you might not live in my apartment, but you know what they say…

**[To Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:11 PM]:**

???

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:12 PM]:**

Home is where the heart is...

_Of course, Sooyoung would send her corny shit like this. It was her brand, after all._

**[To Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:12 PM]:**

uhm 😐 anyways, do you need me to make a quick stop at the convenience store? like do you need anything?

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:13 PM]:**

nope, just you and your fine ass xxx

_Roseanne rolled her eyes at the response and put her phone away otherwise she’d never make it back to Sooyoung’s apartment to celebrate their 100 days together. She had already left the campus and was headed towards the center of Seoul’s metropolis. Quite busy, but it was a Friday evening after all. Lots of food stands, loud music blasting from left to right, store and street lights almost blinding her sight. Just your regular evening in Seoul._

_Roseanne finally walked into the vid & tech shop she entered about a week ago, where the same man greeted her. “Ah you’re finally here! I’ve been waiting all day, hold on, I’m going to get your package in the back!” The man said. Roseanne nodded right before he disappeared in the back. Her eyes roamed around the shop until the man reappeared with a USB-stick and a small gift box. “I transferred all of the songs on the stick like you asked me to and even upgraded the quality,” he gave her the USB-stick along with the small gift box. _

_“Thank you so much, sir! I really appreciate it!”_

_“No problem, that's my job! Have a good evening, I hope the person will like this gift.”_

_She couldn’t contain her excitement the second she left the shop, “Sooyoung is going to love this.”_

**[TO Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:31 PM]:**

just got on the bus, I’ll be there in 20 mins. Xxx

**[FROM Sooyoungie 💚 - 05:31 PM]:**

about time

_The blackhaired girl shook her head before hiding her phone inside her coat._

_Words couldn’t even describe how happy she was. Her relationship with Sooyoung was her longest so far, and she was more than happy that they still clicked like the first time. She had dated some girls before, but clearly, none of them lasted. Most of the time, the girls she was with only dated her to experiment. Roseanne didn’t have a problem with people experimenting, it was completely normal for one to experiment and figure out their sexual orientation. But after being experimented on by so many girls, she started to feel used. Though Sooyoung was still so new to all of this and at times very insecure, Roseanne could tell Sooyoung really was the one. Not once did she feel like Sooyoung was using her for her pleasure. Well, maybe because they hadn’t had sex yet, but still… whenever she was with Sooyoung she felt truly loved. Sooyoung made her feel like a person deserving of love unlike her exes who made her feel like nothing but a fuck buddy. She didn’t even know if she could consider those girls her exes._

_The bus halted at the stop in front of Sooyoung’s apartment complex and she got off. She fast-walked inside the building she left that morning and pressed the elevator for the fourth floor._

_Roseanne looked for the spare key Sooyoung had given her three weeks ago and opened the door to Sooyoung’s apartment, just to find rose petals on the floor and dimmed lights slightly illuminating the place._

_“I’m back!”_

_There was no response. She closed the door behind her and was about to fully enter her girlfriend’s place, when all of a sudden, she got attacked in a very tight hug from behind, “I missed you so much. Please never leave me like this!”_

_“Yah, I only went to class! Stop acting like I went to war for three years!”_

_“But that’s exactly what it felt like,” Sooyoung whined, leaving a bunch of kisses on Roseanne’s cheek, “I’m so glad you’re home.”_

_Home. It came out of her mouth so spontaneously._

_“Aw, I’m glad to be in your arms as well,” Roseanne giggled, feeling slightly weak in the knees._

_“I don’t want to let you go.”_

_“I’m afraid you’ll have no other choice but to let me go, I’m really hungry,” and right at that moment, her stomach made a sound. “Well, aren’t you lucky to have an amazing girlfriend who cooked food to tame that cute tummy of yours?”_

_Roseanne inhaled deeply through her nose, “Hmmm, so that’s what I smell! What did you cook?”_

_“Well,” Sooyoung let go of Roseanne and scratched the back of her head, “it’s not_ **_that_ ** _special, I made stir-fried noodles…”_

 _“You made Japchae?!” Roseanne questioned as she went to the kitchen to go wash her hands. “I did, but don’t expect too much though. I cannot even remember the last time I properly cooked a meal.” As a college student, Sooyoung barely had time to cook for herself so she mainly lived off delivery food. But today, she made the exception to do something special for their 100 days together, which was very much appreciated by Roseanne. “Aish shut up, unnie! I’m sure it’s gonna be delicious!” The latter dried off her hands and cupped Sooyoung’s face in her hands, “I’m probably going to_ **_love_ ** _it.”_

_And that, she definitely did. The two sat down at the table in the middle of the open kitchen and Sooyoung served their bowls. Roseanne took her first bite of her girlfriend’s Japchae, allowing the flavor to melt in her mouth. Her eyebrows raised and her eye pupils enlarged, “Omo, this is really good, unnie?!”_

_“Is it really?” Sooyoung half cringed, not having taken a bite of hers yet. She wanted to see Roseanne’s reaction first. “This is like… the best Japchae I’ve ever had and I’m not bullshitting you! Fuck, I didn’t know you cook_ **_that_ ** _well?”_

_“Because I can’t. Japchae is the only thing I can really cook well. My appa taught me how to make this before he got ill. I don’t know, I wanted to cook you something and it was the first thing that popped up in my mind.”_

_“Was your appa a chef or something? This is really really good! I think I want to marry your Japchae!”_

_“You’re insane! And no he wasn’t. He just enjoyed cooking a lot, and I would watch him. Right before he got ill he taught me how to cook this and said he’d teach me how to cook more dishes. Clearly, we didn’t make it further than this dish, but I’m glad he taught me this. He always added his own flavors to it and I basically took that over from him. But enough about him, today is about you and me.”_

_“Shut up, I enjoy listening to these types of stories! What more did he teach you?”_

_“Hmmm, he taught me how to play the piano too. Just the basics though… I really learned how to play the piano when I lived in Germany. Appa was good in a lot of things.”_

_“God, I would’ve loved to have met him.”_

_“Oh trust me, you wouldn’t have. He had the worst humor ever! If there was a prize for the person with the lamest jokes, he definitely would’ve won that.”_

_“Ahhh, so now I see where you got your awful humor from!”_

_“Yah, my jokes aren’t awful! You’ve always laughed at them since day one.”_

_It was time Roseanne finally came clean, “Yeah, I laughed because you were and still are super cute when you laugh at your jokes, but they’re really awful babe. I’m sorry to break it to you that way.”_

_“Damn, and all this time I thought you’ve always liked my jokes? This is exactly why I have trust issues.” The couple drowned in a deep conversation while eating the food. It was moments like this Roseanne cherished the most. She had always dreamt of being with someone who she could just talk and laugh with and be intimate with. It was all she ever wanted, and she believed her dream came true._

_They helped each other out cleaning the table and doing the dishes as well as teasing each other every chance they got. The apartment was filled with giggles. They consumed alcohol, but just enough to still act rationally. “Wait, I have to take a photo of this!” Roseanne cackled as she pulled out her phone. She snapped a photo of Sooyoung, who proudly posed with a beard she had made out of the soap’s foam._

_By now the couple was in Sooyoung’s mini-living room. “I got you a gift by the way!” Roseanne exclaimed. “Omo, jinja? You got me something! What a surprise? Oh, I didn’t know?!” Sooyoung pretended to be shocked. Roseanne slapped her arm, “Shut up!”_

_She got off the couch, walked towards her school bag to get the small gift box out, and returned to her girlfriend. “Happy 100 days,” she said, placing the box on Sooyoung’s lap._

_“Are you proposing to me or something?” Sooyoung laughed when holding the tiny box in her hands. “Just open it already!”_

_“Yes, ma’am!” Joy opened the gift box and took out the small device. “You got me a mini MP3-player? Gwiyeo! And it’s in green, my favorite color!”_

_“Not just any MP3-player! I think you should listen to the first song!”_

_“Alright,” Sooyoung took her headphones from the coffee table and placed it on her head. She pressed play and listened to the song. This whole time, Roseanne refused to take her eyes off her girlfriend. The song must’ve ended because Sooyoung took the headphones off her head._

_“You recorded your confession song and put it in the MP3-player?” She asked, shocked. “Not just the confession song, I recorded all of your favorite songs and a very kind man from the vid & tech shop transferred it to this old iPod-nano.” _

_“Chae, this is the most heartfelt present I’ve ever gotten? How did you even come up with it?”_

_“Actually,_ **_you_ ** _did.”_

_Sooyoung frowned, “What? When?”_

_“Our first night in Gwangju. When you said you wanted me to be your MP3-player so you can listen to my voice whenever you feel low,” Roseanne refreshed Sooyoung’s memory, “so that’s what I did. I turned myself into your personalized MP3-player…”_

_“I can’t believe you remembered? God, I love you so much.”_

_“Omo, are you crying? No, don’t cry!” Roseanne took Sooyoung’s head in her arms, holding it close to her chest as she kissed the top of her head, “Please, don’t cry.”_

_“How do you expect me not to cry? This is the best gift ever,” Sooyoung sniffed. “Ugh, now I’m ashamed to give you my gift…”_

_“Are you kidding?” Roseanne let go of Sooyoung, “I’m sure I’ll love it. Come on, show me!”_

_“Fine, but it’s not even nearly as good as yours…”_

_“Bullshit,” Roseanne accepted the small box that had ‘For my love, Roseanne’ written on it in calligraphic style._

_“You have to open it carefully.”_

_Roseanne gasped when she opened the box, “A pullout photobox! You made this?” It showed photos of them from before they got together to recent photos. “Yeah,” Sooyoung answered, embarrassed, “don’t read that out loud thou-” but it was too late. Roseanne read the text at the bottom of the box in a baby-like voice, “I looked at you like a friend, until I realized I loved you. Aweee.”_

_Sooyoung cringed, “eehhh, it’s awful.”_

_“It’s not! I love it, shut up! This is very cute!”_

_“It’s really not as cute as your gift to me. You really deserve an award for making me feel like a good girlfriend.”_

_“Because you_ **_are_ ** _a good girlfriend. Come on, you cooked delicious food, you decorated this place, you made a cute ass pullout photobox, and most importantly, you make me feel so loved. I really couldn’t ask for a better girlfriend. Come here,” the two shared a very long kiss._

_“I love you so much,” Sooyoung whispered before connecting their lips again._

_It didn’t take long for the sexual tension to increase between the two young women. Sooyoung’s lips lingered on Roseanne’s jawline, slowly moving downwards towards her neck, planting wet kisses. Roseanne desired Sooyoung’s love. The older girl slightly teased Roseanne, until Roseanne couldn’t take it anymore, “I really just wanna fuck you right now.” Straight to the point, until she realized how demanding that sounded, “Only if you feel ready for it though. I’m not trying to pressure you.”_

_Sooyoung giggled, and it was the sexiest thing Roseanne had ever heard, “I want to as well…”_

_There was a ‘but’ coming. Roseanne could sense it._

_“But…” Her heart somewhat slumped when her prediction was right. “It’s embarrassing,” Sooyoung laughed, looking away from Roseanne._

_“Look at me and say it to my face,” Roseanne turned Sooyoung’s face, and looked her girlfriend straight in the eyes, expressing concern. She didn’t like seeing Sooyoung this way. She wanted Sooyoung to feel comfortable enough to share her insecurities._

_“I’ve really been wanting to do it with you… but I know you’ve done this with other girls before… and I don’t have a problem with that. Your body, your choice. It’s just that, I’ve never really done it with a girl before, so I’m afraid that I won’t be able to fulfill your needs or won’t be as good as the girls you’ve done this with before.”_

_That explained. Roseanne couldn’t even find the words. “Silly, right?” Sooyoung nervously chuckled, upon noticing no reaction from Roseanne._

_Finally, the latter was able to form words, “Is that really what you’ve been thinking this whole time?”_

_“Eh yeah… I guess I’m not as confident as I let myself appear,” she awkwardly laughed, “…aaand I probably just ruined the whole mood now.” She wanted to look away, but Roseanne was still keeping her head in place._

_“Not at all, I’m glad you’re telling me this. Your honesty is very sexy,” Roseanne attempted to joke a little to re-enlighten the mood._

_“Shut up.”_

_“I’m serious though, it’s very sexy.” Roseanne approached her lips to Sooyoung’s ear, “So sexy that I just want to rip all your clothes off you.”_

_“Ch-Chae, I’m serious,” Sooyoung stammered a bit. “And I’m serious too. As long as you do as I say, you won’t have to worry about not being able to fulfill my needs.” She felt Sooyoung’s body tensing up, and she couldn’t hold in the smirk._

_“T-Tell me what to do…” Sooyoung desperately said. “Sure,” Roseanne got off her lap and led them to the bedroom._

_You could say that night was quite magical. Sooyoung showed love and affection towards Roseanne in a way that no other girl had ever shown to Roseanne, proving once again that Sooyoung was the one. The way the latter screamed Roseanne’s name made her feel like more than just a fuck buddy. It made her feel like a lover. An equal._

Roseanne slowly regained her consciousness. She pushed herself up in a sitting position, and rested her back against the wall. Everything was a blur, and she had no idea how she ended up here. The last thing she remembered were images of Sooyoung flashing right before her eyes before losing all consciousness.

Hours seemed to have passed before Roseanne got off the floor. When she noticed the plate of Japchae on the kitchen island, last night’s events came back to mind. She remembered everything. “Get yourself together, Roseanne” she tried to pep-talk herself and for the first time, it somewhat worked.

She was surprised she managed to stand on both her feet, though she still had to support herself. 

“I better go take a shower, I smell like fucking shit,” she said to herself. She did that a lot, talking to herself. She put the food her friends prepared for her back in the fridge, and downed a tablet of Ibuprofen with water, despite not having eaten anything since the day before.

The blonde woman got in the bathroom. She turned on the water at its highest temperature before fully stripping down. As she was stepping in, water droplets fell onto her skin. Showers were supposed to be relaxing, but this one wasn’t. The foggy steam made it hard for her to breathe, so eventually she decreased the temperature. She inhaled and exhaled deeply through her mouth. As soon as she closed her eyes, another flash from the past appeared.

_Six months together. Another three months had passed by. Time really seemed to fly. Exactly a year ago the two girls were still complete strangers. Now they were girlfriends. The couple just got off the Seoul - Gwangju train. They would spend their semester break at Sooyoung’s childhood home._

_“Don’t tell me you’re scared again!” Sooyoung laughed as she noticed Roseanne slacking in her steps. “Of course I am scared! What kind of question is that?” Roseanne replied._

_“Come on, you’re acting like it’s your first time meeting them!”_

_“Technically it is,” Roseanne clarified. “Last time I met your parents, I was introduced to them as your close friend. This time I’ll be introduced to them as your girlfriend… it’s kind of a big deal. How are you_ **_not_ ** _nervous?”_

_Roseanne had actually observed her girlfriend throughout the whole train ride. Not once did Sooyoung show signs of stress, which really confused Roseanne, because her girlfriend was the total opposite last night._

_“Because I realized that you are by my side and as long as you are with me, there’s nothing I need to be scared of.” Roseanne loudly cringed at the mushy answer, “You’re so corny. Gross.”_

_“Corny or not, you know I have a point,” Sooyoung threw her arm around Roseanne’s shoulder and kissed her girlfriend’s temple as they walked down the train track, on their way to the parking lot where Sooyoung’s dad would come and pick them up._

_The main reason why Roseanne joined Sooyoung was because Daeun and Yunhee kept asking for her to return. Ever since her stay during the holidays she’s stayed in touch with Sooyoung’s younger sisters, mainly with Daeun who kept imessaging her silly selfies. Sooyoung saw it as an opportunity to finally introduce Roseanne to her family as her girlfriend. No one knew about them, not even Daeun, which was very hard for Roseanne to keep as a secret. The now ten-year old kept asking Roseanne if she had made a move on Sooyoung yet, to which Roseanne had to lie to. Today, they could finally be open about their relationship to Sooyoung’s parents and her sisters, and Roseanne couldn’t help but feel nervous about it, despite having met them before._

_They awaited Sooyoung’s dad in the almost empty parking lot when a black Maserati pulled up in front of them. Dohyun-ssi stepped out of the car and smiled at the two girls as he was approaching them, “Annyeong, how are you two? How was the train trip?”_

_“Long, but we rested well, didn’t we Chae?”_

_“Uh y-yeah we did,” Roseanne quietly said. “Thank you for sacrificing two weeks of your semester break to spend your time here. Yunhee and Daeun really wanted to see you again.” Dohyun-ssi told Roseanne. He released the girls from their large suitcases and charged them up in the car._

_“And what about me? I’m really offended, you know?” Sooyoung inserted herself in the conversation. “Of course they’re excited to see you too,” Dohyun-ssi laughed, patting Sooyoung’s head as if she were a little kid. “It’s not really a sacrifice. Like I said the first time, I really enjoyed staying with you guys and I promised to return soon.”_

_“Aren’t you quite a woman of your word?” Sooyoung teased her girlfriend, earning a slight push from Roseanne before they stepped in the car. “True, but I’m sure you had plans to go back to Australia? I bet your parents might start hating us for stealing you from them and we don’t even know each other,” the man joked, making the three of them laugh._

_“No, they don’t mind!” She was actually glad she didn’t have to spend time there. It would’ve been her first time back in Australia since their divorce if she would’ve gone. She still talked to her parents through FaceTime and introduced them to Sooyoung a few months back. They were very supportive and glad to know Roseanne finally found a girl who treated her the right way. Both of them had shown a lot of interest in Sooyoung as they always asked Roseanne about her when FaceTiming._

_They finally arrived at the villa. “You girls head inside already, I’ll handle your luggages,” Sooyoung’s dad said before they got out. The girls headed out of the garage which immediately led them to the house’s kitchen. “The queen has returned!” Sooyoung yelled, making her big entrance as was expected._

_“You’re so stup-” “UNNIES!” They heard two voices and footsteps approaching them. The two of them got tackled in hugs by Sooyoung’s siblings. “We missed you!”_

_“We missed you two as well!” Sooyoung laughed._

_“Omo… Yun, did you dye your hair?” Roseanne asked the now dark purple-haired girl. “I did! You like it?” The fifteen year old asked, showing off her new hair color. “It’s so pretty! It really suits you!” Roseanne complimented her, Sooyoung agreed._

_“What about me?! Did you guys notice something about me?!” Daeun asked, wanting all attention on her. “Hmm,” Sooyoung tapped her finger on her chin, observing her younger sister. “Oh, I see!” Sooyoung lifted her index finger in the air, “you got more annoying!”_

_“Unnieeee!!” Daeun whined, clearly not satisfied with the answer she received. “I’m just kidding,” Sooyoung laughed, pulling Daeun in for a hug, but the younger one refused to hug back._

_“I know what it is! You got a bit taller!” Roseanne said._

_Daeun’s face lit up. She immediately removed herself from Sooyoung’s hug and hugged Roseanne instead. “I’ll almost be as tall as you, unnie!” Daeun exclaimed._

_“You asked for it, unnie.” Yunhee replied when she saw Sooyoung pretending to frown._

_Sooyoung’s mom entered the kitchen, “Well, if it isn’t two of my favorite girls? Ahh, come here you two!” The college students smiled and walked up to Sooyoung’s mom who gave them a very tight embrace. “I’m so glad you agreed on coming here again, Chaeyoung-ah! And I’m so glad to see my future doctor again!”_

_“We’re glad to be back too, eomma! God, I missed your hugs!” No matter how old she was, Sooyoung would always be a ‘mommy’s little girl’ type of person, just like Roseanne. The latter remembered how they went on a date last month and the topic ‘mothers’ had popped up in their conversation. They both ended up crying while talking about the love they had for their mothers. There was nothing like a mother-daughter bond. Roseanne smiled at the interaction between the two, lowkey wishing she could do the same with hers right now._

_“So how were the midterms?” Of course, parents always wanted to know about school, which was quite understandable. “We’re not getting our results until a few days, but I’m sure we both did great. We worked really hard and even studied a lot at my apartment. Isn’t it, Chae?”_

_“Why would Chaeyoung-unnie study at your apartment if she lives on campus, unnie?” Daeun asked. Damn, she was smart. “Oh, did I say my apartment? I meant the school library!”_

_“You’re a horrible liar, unnie. It’s okay to admit Chaeyoung-unnie studied at your apartment, you know?” Yunhee laughed, making her older sister embarrassed. “Unless you two are hiding something from us?” Yunhee eyed Sooyoung then Roseanne. The latter got embarrassed as well, avoiding eye contact with the fifteen year old._

_“Wh-what would we be hiding?” Roseanne asked back. “I don’t know, which is why I’m asking. So,_ **_are_ ** _you two hiding something from us?” The way Yunhee raised a sharp eyebrow with a smirk on her lips lowkey scared Roseanne. “We aren’t,” Sooyoung said defensively._

_“Are you su-”_

_“Alright Yunhee, enough with the questions. Your unnies are probably tired from the train ride,” Sooyoung’s mom intervened. The purple-haired girl shrugged her shoulders, making Daeun cackle. “Thank you eomma, I knew I could count on you in this household,” Sooyoung kissed her mom’s cheek. “Aish stop being so mushy, you’re gonna make me regret defending you,” Sooyoung’s mom gave her a playful asswhooping. “You two better go rest, you look really tired.”_

_“Omo, is it that visible?” Roseanne surprisingly asked and everyone minus Sooyoung nodded. “It is, I feel like those midterms drained out all of your girls’ energy as well. Have you two been eating well? Please don’t tell me you have been dieting? I feel like you both lost weight in your faces.” Sooyoung’s mom expressed her concerns for the two college students by gently pinching their cheeks. “Ouch eomma! And no we haven’t been dieting, we’ve just been living off takeaway food a lot because college is draining us out.”_

_“I’m going to prepare some real fresh homemade meal tonight so you two will finally have a taste again of what real food is.”_

_“Ah eomma, you’re acting like I’ve been eating junk 25/8. I actually cooked a few times and Chae can attest to that.”_

_“True, unnie’s not the best cook, but she does make the best Japchae.”_

_“Japchae?” Yunhee questioned “I thought unnie only made Japchae for special occasions?” Yunhee said. “What was the occasion?” Daeun then asked._

_Fuck, they were good at asking questions._

_“Chae’s birthday in February,” Sooyoung lied. Truth was that Sooyoung took Roseanne out on a date on the latter’s birthday. Roseanne remembered how they both had classes on her birthday and right after their classes, they went out. They didn’t do much, but she was glad she got to spend the rest of her day with her girlfriend._

_“Interesting.”_

_“Y’all are so annoying. Come on Chae, let’s go rest.” Sooyoung didn’t wait, she took Roseanne’s hand and left her family in the kitchen._

_“I think they’re onto us,” Roseanne quietly whispered to Sooyoung as they walked up the stairs. “No, don’t worry, they’re just being annoying right now.”_

_“No, I_ **_really_ ** _think they’re onto us.”_

_“I’m pretty sure they aren’t. Nevertheless, I’m announcing it during dinner time so we won’t have to keep it a secret anymore after tonight.”_

_They made it to Sooyoung’s room and Sooyoung immediately fell on her bed, taking up all of the space, “God, I missed my bed.”_

_Roseanne laughed, “Move, I want to lie down too.” Her girlfriend scooted over, making place for her. Sooyoung encircled Roseanne in her arms, mumbling a quiet, “I love you.”_

_“I love you too…”_

_“…so so much.”_

_Only six months together, but Roseanne’s love for Sooyoung was too great to put into words. When she was with Sooyoung, she felt at peace._

_“I know you do.”_

_And just like that, the two of them fell asleep. Their train from Seoul to Gwangju was at 6 am and it only took them about two hours to get here, but obviously, they were very exhausted, which was why Sooyoung’s mom told them to rest._

•

_“Dinner’s ready!” Daeun’s voice emerged in Sooyoung’s room. “Hnnn,” Soyoung groaned, “go away!”_

_“Why do you two always sleep like eomma and appa do?” Daeun asked, teasing her older sister and her girlfriend, who Sooyoung thought was still sleeping peacefully._

_“Why do you have to be so annoying?” Sooyoung asked in the same tone._

_“ **I’m not annoying and dinner’s ready!** ” Daeun left the room, but not without angrily closing the door shut with a loud bang._

_A soft chuckle escaped Roseanne’s mouth. “It hasn’t even been a full day yet, and you’re_ **_already_ ** _picking a fight with her?” She asked her girlfriend in a very raspy voice. “Omo, you’re awake? I thought you were still asleep…” Sooyoung asked, slightly surprised. Roseanne turned so she could look at Sooyoung, “You really heard Daeun yell like that and expected me_ **_not_ ** _to get woken up by her high-pitched voice?”_

_Sooyoung chuckled as well, “Okay you do have a point, but you looked so peaceful and unbothered, I genuinely thought you were still asleep, I was almost going to wake you up with kisses.”_

_Roseanne closed her eyes right away and pretended to snore a bit._

_“What are you doing?”_

_She opened her eyes, “What does it look like I’m doing? Clearly, I am sleeping so you’ll have no other choice but to wake me up,” only to close them again._

_“You’re so stupid,” Sooyoung’s laugh was maybe one of Roseanne’s favorite aspects of her girlfriend. Whenever Sooyoung smiled or laughed, Roseanne automatically got happy. No wonder why everyone used to call her Joy back in high school. Sooyoung’s laughter slowly simmered down, “Wake up, baby.” The older girl left kisses on Roseanne’s forehead, her nose, her cheek, her closed eyelids, her chin, and lastly her lips. Roseanne returned the act of affection._

_“Awake?”_

_“Oh yeah, more awake than ever.”_

_“Now, are you ready to do this?”_

_“A wise woman once told me: ‘You are by my side… and as long as you are with me, there’s nothing I need to be scared of.’ Corny, but I think she does have a point.”_

_The two of them arrived downstairs where Sooyoung’s parents and sisters were waiting for them at the dining table._

_“Finally,” Yunhee sighed, “I’m starving!”_

_“Yah, shut up.”_

_They sat down next to each other and served themselves. “So did you two sleep well?” Sooyoung’s mom asked them._

_“They did! They were sleeping just like you and appa do! And Sooyoung-unnie got mad when I tried to wake them up!”_

_“Yah, why do you have to have such a big mouth?”_

_“That’s what you get for calling me annoying.”_

_“I’ll duct tape your lips in your sleep,” the older girl threatened. Roseanne and Yunhee tried so hard not to laugh. “Sooyoung-ah!” Both her parents said in unison._

_“She started it,” the older girl murmured before taking a bite of her food. Daeun pulled her tongue out._

_All six of them shared more stories from the past few months. Mainly about Daeun’s sudden interest in singing and dancing and wanting to become an idol, and about Yunhee’s grades that had improved a lot._

_“Chaeyoung-unnie, is there someone you like?” Yunhee asked out of the blue. Sooyoung and Roseanne almost choked on their food, hearing the question._

_“Why are you asking her that?” Sooyoung asked her sister, rather pissed._

_“Why are you acting so offended, unnie? My question was for Chaeyoung-unnie, not for you.”_

_“Because you don’t just ask someone if they like somebody, it’s rude.”_

_“I asked because we have a trainee teacher and he’s a year older than Chaeyoung-unnie.” Yunhee faced Roseanne, “He’s really handsome, all the girls in my class are in love with him and I think you two would be very cute together. He’s also really sweet so he would treat you so good.”_

_“He’s not her type.”_

_“How would you know? I haven’t even shown Chaeyoung-unnie a photo of him,” Yunhee asked a bit disappointed, yet Roseanne could sense a bit of teasing in Yunhee’s voice. She couldn’t really tell._

_The college students made short eye contact. It was now or never. Roseanne faintly smiled at Sooyoung, telling her it was okay._

_“Be- because I’m… **I** am her type.” _

_Yunhee smirked, “Elaborate?”_

_“You’re so annoying,” Sooyoung sighed. “I meant I am her type as in, Chaeyoung and I are together…”_

_“Of course you are together, unnie! You’re sitting next to each other!” Daeun exclaimed.“N-no, not like that. I mean- well, obviously we’re sitting together, but that’s not what I meant…”_

_“Then what_ **_do_ ** _you mean?” Roseanne was pretty sure, Daeun was teasing as well. “I mean… Chaeyoung-ah and I are together, as in we’re romantically together. I’m bisexual.”_

_The couple didn’t expect the next reactions from Sooyoung’s family, mainly her sisters, “Finally!” “See, I told you all!” “Congrats!” “It was about time!” “We’re so happy you’re finally coming out to us!” “I knew it!”_

_“Wait- how did you guys even? What?!” Sooyoung asked, very confused as to how her family apparently knew about them being together. “I told you they were onto us,” Roseanne whispered. Sooyoung and Roseanne had been quite secretive about their relationship and thought they had been doing a very good job at keeping it on the low._

_“I mean, it was obvious that you would end up together, we just needed you to actually confirm it,” Yunhee was the first one to speak up. “You two always acted like a couple during Christmas break. Daeun was the first one to figure out you two were together though.”_

_“How so?” All eyes were on the ten-year old now. “A few months back when I was FaceTiming Chaeyoung-unnie with the family iPad. She thought she had put me on mute, but she didn’t and I could hear Sooyoung-unnie talking,” the ten-year old explained all giggly. “Wait what?” Roseanne asked in shock. “You two were calling each other baby, it was cute and gross at the same time.”_

_“So you guys knew all along? Because of that FaceTime call?”_

_“Not only that,” Sooyoung’s mom spoke up, “a mother knows when their daughter is in love. You sounded a lot more happier and cheesier on the phone, so I kind of figured that too. I couldn’t exactly think of anyone other than Chaeyoung, seeing how close you two seemed to be.”_

_“Oh… well, I was going to tell you all, but I wanted to do it in person and not just over the phone. Coming out is quite a big deal, you know?”_

_“We understand and we’re very proud of you for being so honest to us. No matter what sex or gender you’re attracted to, your mother and I will keep on loving and support you. We just want you girls to be happy, healthy and thriving in whatever you’re doing. I’m really happy for you, Sooyoung-ah.” Roseanne could understand why Sooyoung perceived Dohyun-ssi like a real father. Those were the exact words a girl wanted to hear from a father._

_“Thank you appa, from the bottom of my heart…”_

_“Does that mean Chaeyoung-unnie is officially part of the family?! Please say yes! That would be so cool!” Daeun eagerly asked everyone at the table._

_Sooyoung’s mom laughed before facing Roseanne, “Welcome to the family, Roseanne. I hope she’s treating you right?”_

_Obviously, Sooyoung wouldn’t miss the chance to be dramatic, “Eomma, you should be asking_ **_me_ ** _if_ **_she’s_ ** _treating me right! I’m your daughter!”_

_“Don’t worry,” Roseanne chuckled, “she’s treating me more than right.” The two intertwined their fingers under the table, gently squeezing in each other’s hands._

_“I think you two are the best couple in history! Even better than princess Ariel and prince Eric!”_

_“Oh, is that so?” Sooyoung smiled at her little sister. “Yes! A pretty girl with a pretty girl is better than a pretty girl with a boy,” Daeun even made a grimace when speaking out the last word, making everyone laugh once again. “No offence appa, but boys are so annoying, mean and gross!”_

_“None taken,” their father said._

_“So who was the one to make the first step?” Yunhee questioned the two love doves. “I was,” both of them said in unison. Roseanne pretended to be offended, “Uhm excuse me? I confessed to you through a self-written song.”_

_“Okay, but I kissed you first. So technically, I took the first step.”_

_“That’s not how it works, unnie,” Yunhee voiced out her opinion. “And now I’m quite disappointed in you, because this means I owe Daeun-ah new clothes for her dolls.”_

_“Huh?”_

_“Yunhee was convinced you were the one who took the first step while Daeun believed Chaeyoung was the one to do so, resulting in your dear sisters making a bet. The loser will buy something for the winner,” their dad explained._

_“Unbelievable…”_


	2. Before You Left (2)

Roseanne exited the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her body. She was still struggling trying to maintain her balance, but she safely made it to her bedroom. She opened the drawer of the built-in closet and took out the familiar piece of clothing she hadn’t touched for a very long time. Sooyoung’s red large-sized hoodie. She had worn it maybe once since Sooyoung’s passing. She didn’t even plan on wearing it, but somehow it happened almost automatically.

Wearing the hoodie only made her heart feel heavy. Although having washed it the last time she wore it, Sooyoung’s scent was still there. It felt like she had Sooyoung close to her, but at the same time she was so far away. She was here, but then again, she wasn’t. It was an indescribable feeling. Everything screamed Sooyoung. Sooyoung was everywhere. But then reality came knocking at Roseanne’s door to remind her Sooyoung wasn’t there anymore. Every day she had to relive the heartbreak, the void, the bittersweet memories. 

And that’s when she was glad that she had a job that could keep her busy and distract her from what was really going on in her life. Unhealthy? Sure, but it was also effective. She always got the job done. One of her many good characteristics. Sooyoung used to always praise her for it. They kept each other going. When things would get too much, they had each other to confide in. But when things would get too much for Roseanne now, she didn’t have Sooyoung to confide in anymore. Now, she confided in her work. Once again, she knew how unhealthy it was, but at least she was helping people fight the injustice they were facing.

 _‘I might be a lost cause now, but at least I’m helping others.’_ Became Roseanne’s very questionable life motto. 

For her best friends, Lisa and Wendy, it was painful to see the girl they grew up with, turn into a person they could barely recognize anymore. The vibrant girl that would always be so talkative about topics that spoke to her, that could eat anything in the world, that would sing day in and day out, was no longer there. Obviously they couldn’t imagine the pain Roseanne was in, they could only **_try_ ** to imagine.

_Six years. Six years of being by each other’s side. Six years of loving and caring for each other. It all seemed like a dream, but it was very real. “I’m home!” Roseanne said. She moved into Sooyoung’s apartment a few years ago. The older girl had given her a PowerPoint-presentation of ‘the pros of officially living with Park Sooyoung’. When Roseanne asked her what the cons were, Sooyoung answered with ‘there are none’._

_“Hey, how was your day?” Sooyoung answered, taking her eyes off the television to give full attention to her girlfriend. “Exhausting, but quite exciting. We had another mock trial today, and you could say I quite nailed it.” Sooyoung took Roseanne’s hand and pulled her down so she could sit on her lap. “Of course you did, you’ll become the best lawyer ever!” She kissed Roseanne on the lips and the latter reciprocated the action._

_“How about yours? You’ve been here for long?” Sooyoung had long graduated from university and was now following a residency program at Seoul National University Hospital. One of the best hospitals in the country, and she deserved it. Being by Sooyoung’s side for so long, Roseanne had observed her girlfriend from up close. Sooyoung was always so hardworking and so passionate about what she did. No matter what the hardships were, she always strived to give more than 100%. Roseanne would always have so much respect for her girlfriend._

_“I got here like fifteen minutes ago, and my day was quite entertaining. I made a new friend today, Junseo. He swallowed a lego block in the hospital’s play area. I was able to unlodge it, but his throat might hurt for a few days.”_

_“Look at you saving children’s lives and all,” Roseanne proudly said as she nuzzled her head in the crook of Sooyoung’s neck. The older woman laughed. “What are you watching?” Roseanne asked, though she had her eyes closed. “The news. They’re talking about Gwan Youngchul's reaction on the introduction of the new bill.”_

_“Literally fuck that man, he should be put behind bars already for his defamatory remarks. God, I can’t believe there’s people who agree with him and his disgusting political party. United Future Party, my ass. If anything this party is trying to divide this country even more.” Just thinking about that man made Roseanne’s blood boil inside._

_About two months ago, the Democratic Party of Korea introduced a bill to legalize same-sex marriage in the country. This would make it their second attempt yet, though the bill still hadn’t been taken to a vote. The introduction brought a lot of uproar in the country. Clearly, the country was divided in two. Although same-sex acts were not seen as illegal, the LGBT-community was still not recognized and still faced a lot of discrimination. Sooyoung and Roseanne, just like other same-sex couples, still had to be very careful whenever in public. Especially during this time._

_“Hey, calm down. I know we hate him, but don’t let him work you up like this, he’s really not worth it,” Sooyoung soothed Roseanne, drawing circles on her back. “I know, but I just don’t understand why people can’t accept the fact that two women or two men can love each other.”_

_“Yeah, me neither…”_

_Roseanne got her head off Sooyoung, straightened her posture and looked her directly in the eyes, “I really want to put a ring on your finger one day, you know? I really want to marry you.”_

_“Which is why we must keep fighting for our rights.”_

_“Yeah…”_

_“Bold of you to assume I won’t be beating you to it to propose to you though,” Sooyoung mumbled, making Roseanne giggle._

_“Not a chance.”_

  
  


The two had done a lot of activism over the years to raise awareness to the LGBT-community in the country. Whatever they could do to change the political situation in the country, they did. Almost a year since that new bill was introduced and it was anything but easy. At some point they were so exhausted from all the fighting for their right to marry, that it even deeply affected their relationship. But despite their many fights, Roseanne knew that at the end of the day it was Sooyoung and that it would **always** be Sooyoung. Till this day, it was **still** Sooyoung even when the latter was not around anymore.

  
  


_Sooyoung and Roseanne were both sitting on the couch. Sooyoung was working on her scientific research she had been working on for the past few months while Roseanne was switching through multiple TV channels, trying to find something entertaining enough to watch._

_“Do you still love me?”_

_The question really popped up out of nowhere and made Sooyoung stop typing, “What kind of question is that?”_

_“Just answer me… do you still love me?”_

_“Why would you even ask that?”_

_“You’re not answering my question, Sooyoung… do you still love me?”_

_Sooyoung saved her project before closing her laptop and deposing it on the coffee table, “Of course I still love you. Where is this suddenly coming from? Do_ **_you_ ** _not love me anymore?”_

_Roseanne didn’t answer._

_“You don’t?”_

_Still no answer._

_“Please answer me because I’m kinda freaking out here,” Her voice was trembling. Roseanne immediately felt guilty for scaring her girlfriend like that, “No, I mean yes, I mean I do_ **_still_ ** _love you too…”_

_“But?”_

_“But…” She had to pause, not really knowing what to say next, “I don’t even know why I asked you that question.”_

_“No pressure, I’m listening…” As always, Sooyoung’s hand on her lap calmed down her nerves. “I think I’m scared that our love is going to die one day and we will end up like our divorced parents…”_

_“You’re already thinking of us divorcing each other when we’re not even married yet?” Sooyoung couldn’t prevent herself from giggling. The cute giggle that would always make Roseanne melt, no matter what mood they were in. “Aish, shut up, I’m serious, but I’m not talking about us divorcing, I’m talking about us breaking up one day.”_

_“And I’m serious too, why are you thinking of this? And why would you ever question my love for you?”_

_“Because… we’ve been fighting more than ever lately, and though we always find a way to make up, I’m scared that one day we might fall out of love with each other because of the constant fighting. I’m scared that our love for each other will die.”_

_“It_ **_is_ ** _true that we’ve been fighting a lot lately,” Sooyoung admitted, “but you and I have a love that can’t be put into words. Sure we fight, a lot of couples do, that’s part of being in a relationship. But it’s the effort that you’re willing to put into your relationship that is the most important. You know what makes us different from my eomma and my biological appa when they were still married? Or what makes us different from your parents?”_

_“They didn’t put in the effort to make it work,” Roseanne said quietly._

_“Exactly,” Sooyoung nodded her head, “Speaking from my point of view, it was easier for my parents to fight than having to listen to each other’s concerns and see what they had to work on. Relationships are not only about just loving each other, it’s also about putting the effort to_ **_show_ ** _that you still love and care about your significant other. Yes, we both fight, and especially with the current political situation, it hasn’t exactly been easy… but at the end of the day we always talk and listen to each other. You always tell me what I did that hurt you and I always tell you what you did that hurt me. We both admit that we were in the wrong and don’t try to blame each other. When I look back at distant memories of my parents fighting when I was still a little girl, they would always point out each other’s mistakes, but never their own mistakes, and I can only imagine the same thing happened to your parents?”_

_“All the damn time, just like little kids,” Roseanne mumbled as she rolled her eyes, remembering the times she would go back to Australia for Summer or for Christmas and her and Alice-unnie having to endure their parents’ fights. Always blaming each other, but never themselves._

_“We’re_ **_not_ ** _like them,” Sooyoung said. “Appa… he regretted it a lot. I remember how heartbroken he was when he heard eomma found someone new. He never stopped loving eomma. He told me that whenever he and eomma would fight, he obviously still loved her, but his biggest mistake was not_ **_showing_ ** _her he still loved her. They would go to sleep with bitter hearts. That’s what drove them apart, their pride. That and a bunch of other things too, but what I’m trying to say is… we’re absolutely not like them. I’m willing to fight for our relationship and I know you would do the same. We’ll always work things out, because you and I, we know how to communicate with one another.”_

_“I love you.”_

_“And I love you too, come here,” Sooyoung kissed Roseanne’s forehead before holding her close to her chest._

_“I’m sorry for even asking you that…”_

_“Don’t be, I’m glad you asked me this. Like I said, communication is the key.”_

_“Right.”_

And right after having that conversation that night, it felt like everything had fallen into place as same-sex marriage was legalized that following week. Finally, years of fighting for their rights paid off. Love wins if you’re simply willing to put the effort in it. Fighting for their rights was a battle, but they made it. It was quite revolutionary. They were part of a historical moment. It was an unforgettable day, carved in Roseanne’s memory forever.

  
  


_**April 18th, 2023** _

_“Chaeyoung-ah, what’s happening now?” Seulgi asked Roseanne, not really knowing what was going on. She was hoping Roseanne could explain it, given the fact the latter had a lot of knowledge about these legislative procedures from her law courses. “Well the bill has been introduced to the National Assembly already, and it has been voted and examined by both the National Assembly and the Gender Equality and Family Committee as well. Right now the Plenary session is deliberating the bill, meaning they’re hearing the reports of the chairmen on the Bill. Once the Plenary session votes, we’ll know whether or not the Bill has been passed or not.”_

_The whole procedure was nationally broadcasted live. Roseanne and Sooyoung, just like other LGBT people, and a bunch of LGBT supporters had gathered on the streets in the middle of Seoul. They came together with Seulgi, Wendy and Lisa. Lisa had been briefly dating a girl named Jisoo whom she brought with her as well, she was lovely and radiated the same crackhead energy as Roseanne’s younger friend._

_Watching all these politicians on the big screen, made Jisoo feel quite nauseous. “I can’t believe a bunch of straight men get to choose our right to be happy,” Jisoo muttered. “Hey? We will, alright? This is the furthest we’ve come in history yet.” Roseanne reassured her. She couldn’t blame everyone for feeling this way though. She’d be lying if she were to say this didn’t make her feel sick, but she had faith. Faith that one day she would get to marry the woman she was holding hands with._

_“What’s going on now?” Sooyoung whispered in Roseanne’s ear when noticing the commotion in the National Assembly on the big screen. Her voice was so unstable. “The debates are finalized. Now it’s all up to the members of the Plenary session to vote. If all goes well, the President and Prime Minister will have no other choice but to sign the bill.”_

_There was a lot of tension in the air. So many people holding rainbow flags, ready to wave them out. Roseanne could feel Sooyoung’s hand squeezing hers. “I’ve never been this nervous before…” the older girl admitted, “We’re almost there, but we’re not there yet and it’s freaking me out.”_

_“No matter what the result will be, I’ll love you for a lifet-” “Chaeng-ah, what’s happening now?” Lisa asked Roseanne, interrupting her._

_“The Deputy Speaker is going to reveal the results…”_

_There were so many people in the centre of Seoul, thousands of people even, yet it was so quiet. Roseanne’s heart was beating so fast that she thought she’d suffer from a heart attack. Her stomach was turning like the inside of a washing machine once the Deputy Speaker got up from his chair. They had come so far, they were so close, but everything depended on the following words of the Deputy Speaker._

**_“A third rating the bill for enacting the law relating to the definition of marriage and protecting religious freedoms and for related purposes.”_ **

_Roseanne couldn’t believe her ears once she heard those words._

_“What the fuck did he just say?”_

_“Chaeyoung-ah, what does that mean?”_

_“Repeat that again in human language?”_

_The latter couldn’t even respond to all those questions. She was in shock._

**_“That’s it,”_ ** _The Speaker announced, confirming what was previously said by the Deputy Speaker._

_Roseanne didn’t even need to explain as loud cheers erupted in the National Assembly. Politicians clapping in their hands, as if they had just won a war. Cheers not only erupted in the National Assembly, they also erupted exactly where they were. Lots of people waving their rainbow flags, holding their banners up, chanting in joy._

_“Wait… we did it?! Did we do it?! Why aren’t you reacting?! Why is everyone chanting?! We did it, right?!” Roseanne’s girlfriend bombarded her with all those questions. She couldn’t even think straight, trying to form a proper answer for her girlfriend._

_“Chae, please tal-” Roseanne did the unexpected. Something she never thought she would finally be able to do in public. She crashed her lips on her girlfriend. All those blood, sweat and tears she had put into fighting for this moment met with success and for the very first time, she felt free. She finally kissed her girlfriend in the open, in South-Korea, without fearing the judgements of others. It was the best feeling in the world, and nothing could ever break that._

_“We did it,” Roseanne cried as she pulled away from the kiss, “we fucking did it!” The tears were falling from her eyes, but a bright smile was gracing her face. Sooyoung cried as well. It felt like a deadweight had been lifted off their shoulders. Finally, they could breathe._

_Roseanne was digging for something in her pocket. As she was lowering to get down on one knee, Sooyoung asked, “What are you doing?”_

_“What does it look like I’m doing? I told you I wouldn’t let you get the chance to beat me to it, didn’t I?” A giggle escaped her mouth, but the tears were still streaming down. She finally grabbed a hold of the tiny box that had been in her back pocket for quite some time and opened it, revealing two identical silver rings with sapphire stones on them._

_“I really hope I don’t mess this speech up,” Roseanne chuckled, somewhat choking up with her tears. “But a few years ago, my eyes fell upon the most beautiful stranger in the university library. That beautiful stranger consumed my mind day in and day out. I thought I was going crazy. Only saw her face once, but I suppose it was enough to leave a huge impact on me. I came across that beautiful stranger a second time and then a third time. After the third time she started playing a very important role in my life, she became my dearestestest friend… and a few months later, my girlfriend.” Roseanne’s lips were quivering as she was attempting to not let her emotions get the best of her._

_“Ever since, my life hasn’t known a single day without_ **_you_ ** _in it, and I want it to stay like that. You know and understand me best, you push me to always reach my full potential, you care for me, you love me unconditionally… and I want to do the same and more for you until death do us part. For the rest of my life, I want your face to be the first thing I wake up to and the last thing I see before I close my eyes. I want you to be the person I’ll start a family with one day. I_ **_want_ ** _you to be_ **_my wife._ ** _”_

_Finally, she got to ask her, “Park Sooyoung, will you marry me?”_

_Sooyoung lowered down, held Roseanne’s face in her hands and kissed her, “Yes, yes, I’ll marry you!” She excessively nodded her head once their lips parted. Roseanne was so focused on Sooyoung that she forgot they were in a public area. Everyone around them suddenly clapped in their hands. Their friends and complete strangers cheering for them. “Love wins!” “Congratulations!” “Put the ring on her!”_

_“Ca- Can I?” Roseanne stuttered. Once again Sooyoung nodded her head. Roseanne took out the ring that had her birth name ‘Park Chaeyoung’ engraved in it. Her hand was slightly shaking as she slowly slid the ring on Sooyoung’s finger. It fit perfectly._

_“Can_ **_I_ ** _now?” Sooyoung asked Roseanne, who was still kneeling on the ground._

_“Yes, you can.”_

_Sooyoung took the remaining ring left that had her own name engraved in it ‘Park Sooyoung’ and slid it down Roseanne’s finger._

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you too.”_

A teardrop fell from Roseanne’s eye, right on the wedding ring she had still failed to take off ever since Sooyoung’s departure. She quickly got rid of her tears with her sleeve.

“I miss you so much,” the hoarseness in her voice hurt her throat.

She played with the piece of jewelry on her ring finger, swirling it around. This ring wasn’t much different from the engagement ring she had purchased for the proposal. The wedding ring had, instead of their names, the date of their wedding engraved, followed by Sooyoung’s initials.

_‘2024/01/16 ~ S.P.’_

They got married on the day Roseanne confessed, only finding it appropriate to choose that specific date. They made a commitment to each other on that day. To stand by each other through thick and thin. To love each other. To support each other.

“Why did you leave?” Roseanne whispered to herself. She brought her knees to her chest and tightly hugged her legs. But no matter how hard she was hugging herself, trying to comfort herself, nothing was enough to fill in the void. The emptiness was still there, after nearly a year she had failed to completely move on from Sooyoung, to move on from Sooyoung **at all**. For days, weeks, months, she had been trying to understand how it could’ve happened. It all went too fast. The woman she fell in love with in the university’s library, turned into someone almost unrecognizable, yet she never lost her beauty. Sooyoung’s beauty was always there, despite the physical degradation she had suffered from. She was still the Sooyoung who Roseanne would forever love. The Sooyoung who left Roseanne too soon.

  
  


_The church was filled with family members and friends. Roseanne’s parents and sister flew specially from Australia, to attend this special evenement. Roseanne was standing at the altar, when all of a sudden the doors of the church opened. There she was, looking as mesmerizing as ever, Sooyoung was walking down the aisle with Dohyun-ssi by her side, following her two younger sisters who were more than glad to be her flower girls, despite not being little girls anymore. The now twenty-two-year old Yunhee and the now sixteen-year old Daeun threw rose petals down the aisle, both smiling so brightly at Roseanne. The latter, however, only had eyes for her soon to be wife. Though both their faces were covered by their veils, it didn’t stop Roseanne from admiring her fiancée’s beauty. Standing now in front of her was Sooyoung and it took a lot in her to not start breaking down in front of her, in front of all these people._

_“Hey,” Sooyoung nervously whispered, followed by a small giggle. “Hey to you too,” Roseanne whispered back. She was surprised her nerves didn’t make her stutter or say something stupid._

_She couldn’t even listen to a word the priest was saying. Everything was a blur as her main focus was Sooyoung. She couldn’t erase the smile on her face. If you would’ve told Roseanne’s teenage self that she would meet a beautiful girl one day and marry her as well, she probably would’ve laughed in your face. The idea of two people of the same sex marriage was taboo in South-Korea. It just didn’t look nor sound realistic. Yet here they were today, January 16th, 2024, and she was in fact, marrying the woman of her dreams._

_“Since it is your intention to enter into the covenant of Matrimony, join your right hands, and declare your consent,” the priest finally said._

_The two women reached out for each other’s hands and Roseanne took a deep breath before voicing the following words, “I, Park Chaeyoung, take you, Park Sooyoung, for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” Her voice had never been this shaky before. Sooyoung repeated the exact words, “I, Park Sooyoung, take you, Park Chaeyoung, for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”_

_Light footsteps approached the couple. Daeun with tears in her eyes as she was holding the ring boxes. Roseanne couldn’t help but gently squish Daeun’s cheeks before taking the first ring out._

_“Park Sooyoung, please receive this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity,” she placed the ring on Sooyoung’s bare finger. Once again, Sooyoung repeated the same action, “Park Chaeyoung, please receive this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity.” Roseanne’s vision became a total blur from the tears threatening to fall. All kinds of emotions rushed in her body. The priest spoke one more time, “Since Park Chaeyoung and Park Sooyoung have grown in knowledge and love of one another, and because they have agreed in their desire to move forward in life together, seeking an even richer, deepening relationship, and because they have pledged to meet sorrow and joy as one family, we rejoice to recognize them as wife and wife. You may now kiss each other.”_

_Roseanne didn’t hesitate. She grabbed Sooyoung by the waist as the latter held her face in her hands, and kissed her wife on the lips. One word to describe this moment? Heavenly. She didn’t want to let go of Sooyoung and wasn’t planning on doing so anytime soon. As soon as the church’s bells rang, Sooyoung giggled in between the kiss, smiling against Roseanne’s lips._

_“A_ **_lifetime_ ** _with the woman I love the most, who would’ve thought?” Sooyoung whispered._

So much for a lifetime, right? They were barely married for eight years. She had known Sooyoung since she was nineteen years old. She had known her for fourteen years. They had been together for thirteen years and a few months. Only for life to be so cruel and separate them from each other. Roseanne tried to understand, many times, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t comprehend anything. She refused to comprehend.

The woman’s phone started blasting out loud. She didn’t even remember charging it. She grabbed the device on the nightstand and read the name on the screen… Seulgi-unnie?

She answered the call, but failed to actually speak into the phone.

“Hello… Chaeyoung-ah?”

**_‘Say something.’_ **

“Chaeyoung-ah, is everything alright?”

Roseanne gathered all the remaining strength left to speak, “Hey, uhm yeah everything’s alright, sorry I was just uhm- I was just thinking about something.”

 ** _‘Is that the best thing you could come up with?’_ **That little voice mocked her.

“That’s alright.”

An awkward silence followed between the two women.

Roseanne inhaled deeply, controlling her breathing in chances to not crack, “So what are you calling for?”

“Oh right,” the woman on the line awkwardly laughed, “well… I’m actually standing right in front of your apartment and rang the bell a few times, but you’re not answering. You’re home, right?”

_'She’s here? Why all of a sudden?'_

“I know I probably should’ve warned you bu-”

There was no point in denying. 

“Don’t sweat it, I’ll open right away.” She kept the other woman on the line as she exited her bedroom, into the living room, sauntering towards the front door. Mentally preparing herself for whatever reaction she was about to receive. 

Roseanne had trouble unlocking the door. She was really weak. Minutes passed before she eventually managed to unlock it and open the door. Being face to face with Seulgi-unnie only brought back unwanted memories of Sooyoung. But it wasn’t Seulgi-unnie’s fault. It wasn’t Seulgi-unnie’s fault Roseanne failed to move on. She only had herself to blame for it.

Seulgi gasped, “Chaeyoung-ah…” There it was. The pitiness. She hated it. “I didn’t know you were going through it **like that**?” Did her physical appearance really change this fast in the span of a year? Last time she had seen Seulgi-unnie was at Sooyoung’s funeral, right before she bolted out of that church. The only ways they kept in touch was through phone calls or through Lisa and Wendy.

“I’m fine, I just had a very tough week at my job. A lawyer never rests. You should know that from Sunmi-ssi, shouldn’t you?” Roseanne tried to joke, but it didn’t come off as genuine. Rather forced. “True, she barely rests,” Seulgi halfheartedly laughed, “… but I’ve never seen Sunmi look as worn out as you, are you **sure** you’re **okay**?”

“I am. I’ve never felt better, I promise.” Who was she trying to fool? If anything, she felt shittier than ever. “Like I said, my job has been keeping me quite busy lately…” There was some truth behind her words. But she **chose** to keep herself busy with her job. It was one of the few consistent things she had left.

“So, what brings you here?” She tried to change the topic, though she had a feeling that the actual topic was yet to be brought up. And her instincts were not wrong. “I ehm… I actually came here to drop this off,” Seulgi took out an envelope from her purse and handed it over to Roseanne. The latter examined the thin packaging, eyes falling on the all too familiar handwriting. Sooyoung’s mother’s handwriting.

“What is this?” Her eyes met Seulgi’s again, her hands were trembling. The older woman shrugged her shoulders, “All I was told was to personally hand you this envelope. You’ll have to find out for yourself what it is.”

She hated surprises. Not really sure if ‘surprise’ was the appropriate term to use. “Sunmi and I spent some time in Gwangju to see my brother and we visited Sooyoung’s family the other day.”

“Oh…”

“They **really** miss you, Chaeyoung-ah.”

Guilt.

“Well, I better get going… take care, okay?”

Roseanne could only nod her head.

Seulgi gave her a final smile before walking away, but before she could finally disappear, Roseanne somehow found the strength to speak up loudly, “Unnie, wait…”

The shorter woman turned around, raising her eyebrows at Roseanne.

“H- How did you do it?” It was the first time she asked anyone about this, but this question had been on the tip of her tongue for quite some time. She always tried to avoid talking about this topic. Always trying to convince others and herself that all was good when she knew it wasn’t. Finally, she gave in to her pride, indirectly admitting that she was not over Sooyoung’s death. “H-How did you move on? Because to me, it feels like nothing is changing. Every day is the same, the same hurt, the same loneliness…”

“I haven’t. I don’t think it’s something I’ll ever move on from.”

“B-but you look so happy…” Of course she was happy, she had an incredible fiancé like Sunmi.

“Because I’ve **learned** to live with it. I’m not a psychologist like Seungwan is, so I know that what I’ll say might sound cliché, but it all starts with having to accept it.”

“Right… I- I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Despite Sooyoung-ah being my best friend, I know her death affected you the most. What you two had… it was magical. One of a kind.” Hearing those words only brought more pain in Roseanne’s chest.

“You’ll get through this Chaeyoung-ah, alright?”

Roseanne simply nodded her head. Seulgi forced a smile before walking away. Once she fully disappeared from Roseanne’s eyesight, the latter closed the front door and rested her back against the door, whispering to herself, “I’m afraid I won’t…” She slid down to the floor and hugged her legs. One tear rolled down her cheek, followed by a second one. Wiping them away would be useless as the next tears rolled down in a rush.

The envelope, soon stained with droplets of her salty tears, was crinkled between her fingers. Her heart told her to open it up and find out what was in it. But her consciousness told her not to. It would only enlarge the pain she was already failing to deal with. The woman was at internal war with herself. _‘You shut them off for a valid reason. You’ll only reopen a closed case, and for what? To relive that pain again? Don’t open it,’_ her consciousness said, whereas her heart told her the complete opposite. _‘What «closed case»? The case is still ongoing because you’ve never dealt with it. You’ve been reliving the pain inside of you for almost one year. Open it. If you’ll never confront anything Sooyoung related, you’ll keep reliving the pain and feeling that void. You’re a lawyer, Park Chaeyoung. You’ve never given up on your clients’ cases, no matter what the obstacles were… so please, don’t give up on_ **_your_ ** _case. Fight for yourself the same way you fight for your clients.’_

It was the last sentence that really stuck with her. To fight **for** herself the same way the same way she fought for her clients. There was only one problem.

“How do I fight for myself, if the one I have to fight… is myself?”

_‘Open it… maybe what’s inside the envelope will give you a headstart.’_

Roseanne hesitated a bit. She was nervous, to say the least. Her fingers traced the edges of the envelope. Not long after, she opened the envelope, and inside it was a letter.

_**‘Dear Chaeyoung-ssi,** _

_**it’s been quite some time since we've heard from you. You’re probably busy with your work and all, you’re quite the workaholic, aren’t you?** _

_**I’m writing you this letter because it feels more personal like this.** _

_**I pray for you every single night and I really hope you’re doing okay, but you’re a very strong woman so I have nothing to worry about… right?** _

_**Christmas is coming up soon… I know it’ll be weird not being able to spend it like we’ve always done, but I’m sending you so much love and strength during this time of the year. Dohyun-ssi and I miss you a lot, and so do the girls.** _

_**I really hope you know that you’ll always be my dear myeoneuli (daughter-in-law), no matter what. You’re our family.** _

_**Love you, always.'** _

__

Family. Funny how one word was just enough to break her. The stinging feeling in Roseanne’s eyes, turned into a burning sensation. She kept rubbing her eyes, trying to make the rashiness stop, but if anything, she only made it worse. 

“How?!” Roseanne cried out.

How come they still wanted her around, after she had shut them out? After she had pushed them away? She felt like a very horrible person. Her whole body started shaking. The guilt was only growing by the second. An intense mental distress. She was scared. Fearful that she couldn’t get fixed. Her nose was running. Almost as if she had caught a cold. Her teeth kept chattering onto her lower lip. Last time she had such an emotional breakdown was when bolting out of that funeral ceremony. She swore to herself never to breakdown that way. And so for months, she would only limit herself to silent cries. But as the one year anniversary of her wife’s death was nearing, everything was clearly clogging up in her head; It was her third breakdown in less than twenty-four hours.

_After a long day at the law firm, Roseanne could finally head home, where her wife was. Just thinking about Sooyoung made her naturally smile. Four years into their marriage yet the older woman still made Roseanne feel like a teenager in love. She hummed along to the radio, fingers tapping on the steering wheel along to the beat of the music. It was a song from a newly debuted girl group, and her mind automatically wandered to Sooyoung’s youngest sister. The now nineteen year old Daeun was a trainee in SM Entertainment. That was her seventeenth birthday wish. To audition for SM Entertainment on her birthday._

_Speaking of Sooyoung’s sisters, Yunhee finished her studies in graphic design years ago and even got hired in a very popular studio in Gwangju. Roseanne was very proud of the two young girls she considered as her own younger sisters._

_The 31-year old woman parked her car in the underground parking of the complex and headed towards the elevators. Her and Sooyoung purchased a fancy apartment a couple months back in the hectic district of Gangnam, but they loved it here. There was always something to do here. Their apartment had a modern kitchen where they spent most of their free time cooking new things, three bedrooms, a richly tiled bathroom with a bathtub and a shower, a spacious living room and a balcony where they could watch the skyline of Seoul. It was everything Roseanne ever wished for._

_She finally made it to their apartment and opened the door. “Babe, I’m home!” She yelled as she stepped inside their place. “Taking a shower! give me a minute!” Sooyoung yelled back._

_“Take all the time you need!” Roseanne laughed._

_She walked into their bedroom, took off her blazer and properly hung it in the closet. The smile on Roseanne’s face only grew wider when hearing Sooyoung’s voice singing under the shower. The acoustic of the bathroom complimented her voice well. Sooyoung had the most unique voice Roseanne had ever heard. ‘Sweet like honey’ is how she would describe it as. The water stopped running, so it was just the sound of Sooyoung’s voice filling the apartment._

_Roseanne walked out of their bedroom and headed to the kitchen where she washed her hands in the sink. After drying off her hands she opened the cupboards, only to find them empty. She opened the fridge, but it was also as good as empty. They definitely had to do some grocery shopping. Her stomach crying out loud didn’t make her feel any better. She was assigned a very complex case, so she barely had time to grab lunch at noon._

_A lovely voice approached Roseanne. Sooyoung wrapped her arms around Roseanne, resting her chin on the latter’s shoulders as she quietly sang to Roseanne, “For as long as I live and as long as I love, I will never not think about you_

_You, mmm. I will never not think about you” Roseanne closed the fridge and rested her head against Sooyoung’s. “From the moment I loved, I knew you were the one. And no matter what I-I do, ooh, mmm. I will never not think about you” Sooyoung placed a kiss on Roseanne’s temple._

_Roseanne spoke up, “I could listen to your voice for hours, you know?” Her wife lightly chuckled, “Likewise. I still listen to your little mp3-player.”_

_Roseanne winced with embarrassment, “When are you going to throw that thing out?”_

_“Why would I?” Sooyoung laughed in her ear. “Because it’s been like what?” Roseanne counted up the years in her head, “Eleven years?”_

_“So what? You literally_ **_still_ ** _have my stupid ass pullout photobox on your desk at the law firm.”_

_“Stupid ass?” Roseanne was offended by Sooyoung’s choice of words, “It was a very cute gift! It reminds me of how young and in love we were.”_

_Sooyoung raised her eyebrow, though Roseanne couldn’t see it, “Excuse you? We’re_ **_still_ ** _young and in love, stop trying to make us sound old.”_

 _“Aigoo, but we_ **_are_ ** _old. Don’t worry though, as long as I get to grow old with you I’m good.”_

_“Corny,” Sooyoung scoffed, before asking Roseanne the following, “You didn’t respond to any of my texts during lunch, is everything okay?” Just thinking of the case she was occupied with made Roseanne sigh out loud, “Yeah, the case I’m working on is just extremely complex. I mean, we could just settle with the other party and get it over with…” The idea had crossed her mind a couple of times. “But that would mean going the easy way and giving in with the other party and you don’t want that. You want to bring this case before the judge and get justice for your client, right?”_

_Roseanne looked at Sooyoung with gooey eyes,“You take the words right out of my mouth… How did you know?”_

_“You’re acting like we haven’t been together for more than a decade. That’s more than 3650 days. I can read you like an open book now,” Sooyoung tightened her embrace around Roseanne, leaving a kiss in the crook of her neck. As always, Roseanne's knees went all wobbly._

_“Can you? Fine, what am I thinking of now?” She challenged Sooyoung._

_It didn’t take long for Sooyoung to come up with an answer, “Right now… you’re hungry and bummed that the fridge is empty, because you really were in the mood to cook with me.”_

_‘Damn, she’s good.’_

_“I can’t stand you.”_

_Sooyoung bursted in a fit of laughter, “I told you I could read you like an open book.” She still didn’t let go of Roseanne. “How about we order food and play a little bit on the piano while we wait? I can’t even remember the last time we played on that old thing.”_

_“Sure, I’ll order and then I’ll join you.”_

_“Good,” Sooyoung kissed Roseanne’s cheek before letting her go and leaving the kitchen. Roseanne took her phone out of her pocket and dialed the number of one of her favorite places in Gangnam, Thai Cuisine. It was Lisa who introduced them to the restaurant years ago._

_One of the employees answered the call, “Thai Cuisine, how may I help you?”_

_“Annyeong, I would like to order.”_

_“Ah, I know our favorite customer when I hear her, Roseanne-ssi?” Did she forget to mention she was a regular customer? Well, now you know. “The one and only,” the 31-year old woman laughed over the phone._

_She held a small talk with the employee and made her order. The food would arrive in about thirty minutes, thus enough time to join Sooyoung. She walked out of the kitchen, and stood by the entrance of the living room, watching Sooyoung playing on the large instrument in the middle of the room. She always looked so elegant, sitting in a proper posture. The sweet sound of the piano was soon accompanied by Sooyoung’s voice humming along to the music. No single word was sung. Just two compatible sounds, the piano and Sooyoung’s humming. Nothing more, nothing less._

_In that moment, Roseanne really took the time to admire the older woman. There was nothing Sooyoung couldn’t do. She could act, she could sing, she could play the piano, she could save people’s lives, and she was a very loving wife. It was rare to find someone like Sooyoung. One of a kind._

_Sooyoung looked over her shoulder and made eye contact with Roseanne. Her eyes invited Roseanne to approach her, so that’s what Roseanne did. “Come here,” while Sooyoung’s left hand was still hitting the piano keys, her right hand pulled Roseanne closer to her, making the latter sit down on her lap. “You remember this one, right?” She asked in a very soft tone._

_A nostalgic feeling crept in Roseanne’s body upon hearing Sooyoung changing the notes of the random melody she was playing, transitioning into a more familiar melody. It was the song they both performed at their wedding reception, very difficult to forget. Sooyoung was playing the piano as Roseanne was playing the guitar and they both sang that day. Roseanne remembered how impressed everyone was. If the two weren’t so passionate with their current professions, they’d definitely be doing the same thing Daeun was doing now. “I can’t believe you’re seriously asking me this…”_

_“Shut up,” Sooyoung giggled, “come on play with me.”_

_Roseanne’s fingers hit the keys of the piano. Her hand movements complemented Sooyoung’s. They were one, in synchronization with each other. God, she missed this. Because of their professions, they didn’t exactly get the chance to spend their evenings like this very often. Roseanne would sometimes be loaded with paper work, and Sooyoung’s hours were quite hectic. Some weeks, they would barely see each other, but it had never deeply affected their relationship, and Roseanne was very grateful for that. Most people in relationships drifted away from one another because of their professions, but not Sooyoung and Roseanne. They were in a very stable and healthy relationship._

_Sooyoung led the vocals,_

**_“With every passing moment_ **

**_Thoughts of you run through my head_ **

**_Every time that I'm near you_ **

**_I realize that you're heaven sent, baby”_ **

_Roseanne’s voice harmonized with Sooyoung’s,_

**_“I think you're truly something special_ **

**_Just what my dreams are really made of_ **

**_Let's stay together, you and me, boy_ **

**_There's no one like you around, oh baby”_ **

**_“I really like_ **

**_What you’ve done to me_ **

**_I can’t really explain it_ **

**_I’m so into you_ **

**_I really like_ **

**_What you’ve done to me_ **

**_I can’t really explain it_ **

**_I’m so into you”_ **

_The two of them were so lost in the music. They played a few more songs together, messing up and making fun of each other’s mistakes. Stealing kisses here and there._

_Their session was interrupted by the bell. “Must be our food, come on!” Roseanne was quick to jump off Sooyoung’s lap and pull Sooyoung up from the piano bench. “It’s been years, but I still don’t understand how obsessed you are over food,” Sooyoung shook her head, letting out a small chuckle._

_Roseanne walked over to the front door where she greeted the delivery guy. He handed her the bag of food and she tipped him before closing the door. She returned to the kitchen where Sooyoung was setting up the table for the two of them. The strong scent of Chicken Khao Soi made Roseanne’s stomach grumble. “Damn, do you have a lion hidden in your stomach or what?”_

_“Aish, shut up. I didn’t eat all day.”_

_The two women sat at the kitchen island and ate their dinner as Sooyoung talked more about her day. Roseanne loved listening to Sooyoung’s stories about her patients. The older woman was a pediatrician. She treated young people of all ages, so every day she came home with new and funny stories about those kids. “So I entered the seven-year old’s room to give her the results of her sleep study we did on her overnight and I told her: ‘Your sleeping condition has definitely improved compared to last time, Yuha. It looks like you only stopped breathing thirteen times overnight.’ Then she asks me ‘Did I start breathing again? Please say yes, Dr. Sooyoung?’ Omo, you should’ve seen her face, her eyes got all big and watery.”_

_Roseanne fell about trying to imagine the little 7-year old, “Gwiyeo!”_

_“I was like, ‘Well, you’re breathing now, aren’t you? So obviously, you started breathing again!’ She had the happiest face ever.”_

_“She really just stops breathing in her sleep though?” Roseanne asked, a bit concerned about the little girl she hadn’t even met. Sooyoung nodded her head, “She suffers from sleep apnea, so basically she has monitors supporting her and giving her enough oxygen at night so she doesn’t suffocate. It occurs when people are overweight, but with our treatment and with the weekly exercises she’s been able to do these past months, her situation is definitely progressing. She just has to pass by the hospital every two weeks for regular check-ups.”_

_“You know… it really amazes me how much you know about the human body. I really wish I had your intellectual abilities.”_

_“I think you’re doing just fine with_ **_your_ ** _intellectual abilities. Whereas I have more knowledge about the way the body functions, you, as a lawyer, have more knowledge about the way humans think and their relations with the outside world. See? We complete each other!”_

_“That, we surely do.”_

_“Oh, one of my other patients gave me something today!” Sooyoung excitedly exclaimed. It was like being around those children every workday of the week brought out Sooyoung’s inner child, but then Roseanne remembered her wife had_ **_always_ ** _acted like a little kid. A desperate kid in need of attention. The woman came back with her purse, pulling out a piece of paper and revealing it to Roseanne._

_“That’s a very nice drawing of you and…whatever that’s supposed to be?”_

_“And you, silly!”_

_“Me? That doesn’t even remotely look like me.” Roseanne squinted her eyes to analyze the weird figure, however, she couldn’t recognize herself._

_“It looks like the sun with arms and legs.”_

_“Because that’s_ **_exactly_ ** _what it is. My patient saw my ring the other day, I had completely forgotten to take it off. You know, hygiene protocol and all. So she asks me ‘Dr. Sooyoung, are you married’ and I’m like ‘Yes, how’d you know?’ and she points at my ring. Then she went ‘Is he nice to you?’ and I answered_ **_‘She_** _is_ _more than nice to me. If the sun was a person, it’d be my wife.’ I feel like she took it a bit too literally and drew you as the actual sun.”_

_“Jinja, I can’t believe you tell your patients this corny ass shit.”_

_“It’s not corny ass shit, it’s the_ **_truth_ ** _.”_

_“I must admit though, the drawing is really cute and creative. She even got our body proportions right.” Roseannne’s face was drawn as the sun in the clouds with eyelashes and a bright smile. Her body was a giant stick figure, holding hands with a tiny Sooyoung._

_“How many times will I have to tell you that we are literally the same height?”_

_“You’re_ **_still_ ** _in denial, I see. Keep it cute babe, I’m taller than you by one centimeter.”_

 _“Whatever,” Sooyoung walked past Roseanne to hang the drawing on the fridge. There were a bunch of drawings she received from many of her patients. It only showed how strong of a bond she had with them and saw them as more than just patients. This time, Roseanne slipped her arms around her wife, hugging her from behind. “Aw, don’t be upset. Taller than you or not, I’ll always be your little_ **_baby_ ** _girl,” she teased the older woman._

_“You’re very annoying.”_

_“I just love to tease you, you know,” Roseanne giggled in Sooyoung’s neck before repeatedly kissing her in the same spot._

_“Can I ask you something?” Sooyoung’s tone got a bit more serious._

_“Hmm?”_

_“Do you see us having kids someday?”_

_“Of course I do. Every day, you come home and tell me wholesome stories about your little fighters, and it just deepens my desire to have kids of our own… then I remember that we’re so busy with our jobs… but yeah, I definitely see us starting a family when the right time comes. I can wait.”_

_“What did I do to deserve you again?”_

_“Nothing special… you just stood in that library and that was enough to make me fall in love with you.”_

_The couple shared an intimate kiss._

•

_That night, the two of them were cuddled up in each other’s arms, until a very loud and annoying sound alarmed in their bedroom._

_“What the fuck, babe? Turn that shit off,” Roseanne groaned. She pulled the blanket over her head, trying to muffle the sound of her wife's phone._

_Sooyoung quickly unwrapped her arms around Roseanne and reached for her phone, “Shit, I’ve never gotten this before.” The older woman cussed, getting out of bed after a while._

_“Yah? Where are you going?” Roseanne got worried, now fully awake._

_“It’s the emergency alarm. I’ve never gotten one of these alarms at night so it must be really urgent.”_

_“Wait, what time is it?” Roseanne shot up._

_“It’s three in the morning, go back to sleep and rest.” Sooyoung was almost out of the room when Roseanne stopped her, “You’re forgetting something though…”_

_Roseanne’s wife chuckled before making her way to Roseanne and caressing her cheek with her thumb, planting a kiss on her forehead._

_“Please be careful on the road? It’s late and raining a lot.”_

_Sooyoung couldn’t help but giggle at her wife’s concern, “I’ve always been careful on the road.”_

_“Sooyoung, this isn’t funny.”_

_“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” she erased the smile on her face and stared deeply into Roseanne’s eyes, “I promise you to be very careful on the road. You’ll wake up in the morning and the first thing you’ll see is my sleeping face, alright?”_

_“Much better. Now go kick some ass, I love you.”_

_“I love you too.”_

_They kissed and Roseanne kept her eyes on Sooyoung, until she was fully out of sight. She lied back on their bed, and her mind was quick to wander off to dreamland._

Not only did she lose Sooyoung. She lost the chance to start a family with the woman she loved. She lost so much all at once. Roseanne closed her eyes, inhaling deeply, and exhaling the air all out.

After what seemed like an eternity, she had emptied all the tears in her body, but that didn’t change the way she was feeling a tad bit. She still felt miserable, hopeless, frustrated, lost, disappointed and the list went on. Her gaze landed on the clock hanging on the wall.

**Six past three.**

She heartlessly laughed through her nose. The world really did move on while she was stuck in the past, huh?

Roseanne pushed herself up, almost landing back on the floor if it weren’t for her holding onto the door handle. She felt a false sense of motion as everything around her turned around. Vertigo. Not really surprising since the last time she had a meal was two days ago. Her head was empty, so lightheaded yet it hurt a lot. Despite the loss of appetite, she knew she had to get at least something down her throat, or she would pass out again. She fought through the numbness in her legs and walked to the kitchen, again.

**(TW // struggle with food)**

Opening the fridge and once more, being face to face with the Japchae.

She put the plate in the microwave and grabbed the utensils in one of the drawers in the meantime. Soon enough the woman was sitting at the kitchen island. 

“I can do this.” She tried to convince herself. 

“It’s just food, I can do this. I’ve always loved food, it’s not a big deal.”

She lifted the chopsticks closer to her mouth and fed herself with the food. It was really good, but it tasted nothing like Sooyoung’s. She wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. She would’ve suffered from yet another mental collapse if it would’ve tasted exactly like Sooyoung’s. But then again, this only reminded her that she would never be able to taste Sooyoung’s food ever again. She wasn’t supposed to be crying over food, yet here she was, crying over food. It took her quite long to finish her plate. It wasn’t even a lot, but she had to take several breaks with every bite she took. Her stomach hurt a lot. Partly because she hadn’t had any type of nutritions for almost two days, and the sudden sensation of food going down her body ached her stomach. But at least she pulled through, and for once, she was actually proud of herself.

Roseanne got off the stool, and went to her office in the apartment. Her and Sooyoung had hired a few men a little over a year ago, to turn one of the remaining rooms in an office. For the past twelve months, the office became somewhat her hidden place. Whenever she was not in the law firm, she was in this office. Busting her ass for her clients, until she would in most cases, even fall asleep behind the computer.

She walked inside the room, and like every other day, she was confronted with the huge photograph of Sooyoung and her, hanging right behind her desk. That day was so vivid in her memory. Roseanne had received a call from Gangnam’s Legal Union, the law firm she was a proud lawyer from ‘till this day. They phoned her to tell her she got the job. She tried so hard to keep her cool, but as soon as she hung up, she shrieked at the top of her lungs.

  
_“Boya, what’s gotten into you?” Sooyoung asked, looking up from the med book she was reading. She did that a lot, read books about the human body in her freetime. Only proving how dedicated she really was to her job._

_“That was Gangnam Legal Union!” The twenty-eight year old Roseanne exclaimed, unable to bottle up her excitement. “Shut up?! What did they say?!” Sooyoung got off the couch and approached her wife who was drowned in paperwork at their dining table._

_They were about two years into their marriage, and the two still lived in Sooyoung’s tiny student apartment. It wasn’t a terrible place, they spent some of their best years here, but the two women had bigger dreams, bigger plans. Sooyoung obtained licensure as a pediatrician a few months ago. Though she was an independent doctor, she was hired by Seoul National University Hospital. Just like in the hospital of Gwangju, everyone loved Sooyoung in SNUH. Roseanne, on the other hand, graduated from university right before their marriage. She had a job in a law firm based in the heart of Seoul, but she didn’t like it at all. She was surrounded by a bunch of men who thought so little of her for being a woman. They would load her with paperwork, which had nothing to do with her job as a lawyer. Or they would charge her with stupid cases._

_Of course she always fought to the fullest for the clients, but she wasn’t happy there. She didn’t study_ **_this_ ** _long to land in a place where she was constantly disrespected and loaded with pointless cases. She wanted challenging cases. She couldn’t even count the number of times she came back home from work crying. She’d just break down and complain about her days. She suffered from a lot of discrimination for not only being a woman, but for being a lesbian on top of that. The disrespect she would have to endure from these men. She didn’t understand. Those men were the same ones who fought for other people’s rights. How could one defend another’s rights if they couldn’t even respect those rights? Unless, it was never about coming up for one’s rights but rather about making money._

_She was so lucky to have a wife who was a great listener. Her confidant. Sooyoung would always give her the best motivational speeches whenever she had a very bad day at that law firm. It was actually Sooyoung who told her to find another law firm to work at. And so, Roseanne did. She found GLU on a website, and instantly fell in love._

**‘WE VOICE OUT** **YOUR** **RIGHTS.’**

_She applied and was called for a job interview three months ago. After not having heard a single thing from the firm, she took it as a sign of rejection and continued looking for other firms to work at, but none of them spoke to her as much as GLU did._

_“I got the job! I can start next week!”_

_“See?! I told you they’d call! They would’ve been crazy not to!” Roseanne was pulled in a hug by Sooyoung, caving in her wife’s arms. “God, I’m so proud of you, baby. You deserve this so much, okay? And tomorrow you will deliver your letter of resignation to your evil boss and walk out of that shitty firm like the fucking attorney you_ **_are_ ** _. You know what? I’m coming with you so I can tell everyone out there a piece of my mind. ”_

_“You’re insane.”_

_“I’m serious though.”_

_“As much as I would love that, I think your patients will need you more than I will tomorrow.”_

_“Hmm, maybe you’re right,” Sooyoung placed her lips on her wife’s crown, kissing it._

_“Thank you.”_

_“What for?” Sooyoung chuckled._

_“For constantly being so supportive.”_

_“I’m just fulfilling my duties as your wife.”_

_“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Roseanne giggled, though she wasn’t kidding. She couldn’t imagine her life without Sooyoung in it and she would rather not imagine it at all, because losing the woman in her arms was her biggest fear._

_“You’re tensing up, is everything alright?” Sooyoung asked her._

_“Yeah… I’m just really really glad to have you in my life,” Roseanne got her head off Sooyoung’s shoulder and initiated a kiss._

_“Come on, go grab your jacket.”_

_“What for?”_

_“I’m taking you on a date, silly. To celebrate a new chapter that is about to start in your life… in_ **_our_ ** _lives.”_  
  


She couldn’t look at the photograph without her eyes getting watery and blurring her vision. It was a silly photograph, but definitely one of her favorites ever. They were just living in the moment, enjoying each other’s company. Sooyoung and her never ending attempts of cracking jokes. Despite neither of them smiling in the photograph, both of their facial expressions exuded so much happiness. Roseanne once used to be truly happy. Her once so bright and colorful life faded to different tints of grey. Funny how one event could completely change your life for the worst. She would never find someone like her.

“Why did you have to leave?” Roseanne asked the photograph. “You were supposed to come back home, you were supposed to come back to me…”

 **“Get yourself together,”** A familiar voice said. A way too familiar voice. It sounded more like her echo.

“Sooyoung?” 

Roseanne’s eyes traveled everywhere, waiting for a response, but nothing.

“What the fuck was I expecting anyways?”

A wave of nerves washed over Roseanne, overwhelming her to the point she just started laughing at her own pathetic self. She was holding back the tears so badly, so her body discharged her anxiety through laughter. 

**“Roseanne, get a grip!”** Sooyoung’s voice once again. It was so vivid.

She shook her head, “I can’t.”

**“Of course, you can.”**

Was the universe playing tricks and games with her? Why was she able to hear Sooyoung’s voice? It sounded so close, yet so far. 

Roseanne managed to simmer down, until all she could hear were her shallow pants. 

She took a seat behind her desk and turned on her laptop. As soon as her desktop loaded, a bunch of e-mail notifications popped up on her screen. Knowing she wasn’t in the right state of mind to open and answer these emails, she clicked away the notification messages. Instead she surfed to Honam’s website. She never really planned on doing so, she was doing this in the spur of the moment. She followed every single step, and clicked on the ‘OK’ button to confirm her purchase.

  
  


**PAYMENT ACCEPTED.**

_Check your email inbox to download your tickets_.

  
  


The woman wasn’t even bothered to open her email to check if the tickets she ordered were really sent to her. She pushed her chair away from the desk to get out of her seat and leave the office room. 

Back in the bedroom, she opened up her closet and took out her clothes. Sweaters, T-shirts, trousers, blazers, she emptied half of her closet. She went to get her suitcase, and stuffed it with her belongings. 

She fished her phone out of her pocket to see what time it was as soon as she finished packing.

**05:47 PM**

She set her alarm clock for the next morning at seven o’clock. Her feet dragged her to the living room. Sooyoung’s piano was still there. The latter inherited that old instrument from her father. And now it was Roseanne’s, though she hadn’t dared to play on it ever since Sooyoung left. It was the same piano in Sooyoung’s student apartment. The same piano Roseanne played on to confess her feelings to her dearest friend, her wife. The same piano they would play duets on during their free time. It held such a sentimental value to her. Before she even realized, she was sitting on the small piano bench. Her fingers traced the keyboard, until she hit the first key. The loud note filling the lifeless apartment felt so weird. Was it normal to be so glad to hear something, yet to be so sad at the same time? It brought back the good memories she used to spend on this thing, but it only dug deeper into the black hole inside of her heart. She was sinking, screaming for someone to guide her out of that dark hole. 

The next notes followed easily. She still had it in her. Her fingers reciprocated the same notes she had heard many times before. She discovered the song through a playlist. It was quite depressing, but she had never related to lyrics so hard.

_Cold bones, yeah, that's my love_

_She hides away, like a ghost_

_Ooh, does she know that we bleed the same?_

_Ooh, don't wanna cry but I break that way_

_Cold sheets, oh, where's my love?_

_I am searching high, I'm searching low in the night_

_Ooh, does she know that we bleed the same?_

_Ooh, don't wanna cry but I break that way_

_Did she run away_

_Did she run away, I don't know_

_If she ran away_

_If she ran away, come back home_

_Just come home_

_I got a fear, oh, in my blood_

_She was carried up into the clouds, high above_

_If you're there I bleed the same_

_If you're scared I'm on my way_

_Did you run away_

_Did you run away, I don't need to know_

_If you ran away_

_If you ran away, come back home_

_Just come home_

“Come home… please, just come home,” She whispered so lowly. The thought of never seeing Sooyoung again anymore wrecked her. Spending more than a decade with the person you loved the most only for them being taken away from you. Roseanne would never wish it upon anyone, not even upon her worst enemy. 

“I’m fucking exhausted…” and she really was. She was exhausted of living like this, but then again she had gotten so comfortable with this way of living that she somehow grew attached to it. 

The woman got back up and went back to her bedroom. It wasn’t even late, but she crawled in her bed and just lied there. She had to wake up early anyway. She stared at the emptiness, until she completely turned the world off, dozing off in yet another deep slumber, dreaming of Sooyoung.

  
  


_“Babe, I’m home! Sorry I’m so late!” Roseanne yelled as soon as she walked inside their apartment. She always came home after Sooyoung did, but this time she came back later than usual. She spotted Sooyoung’s car keys on the kitchen island from the front door. Her wife’s coat was hanging on their coat rack, yet there was no sign of Sooyoung herself._

_“Babe?” She walked through their mini hallway, into their bedroom, but the woman was nowhere to be found. Maybe she was in the bathroom. Roseanne approached the door of their bathroom and tried to open it, but the door was locked. Strange? They never locked the bathroom door._

_“Babe, are you in there?”_

_Nothing._

_“Park Sooyoung this isn’t funny, open the damn door!” Roseanne’s heart was racing. Could you blame her when her wife was locked in the bathroom, failing to give her an answer._

_“Sooyoung, I swear if this is one of your sick jokes again, I’m making you an appointment with Seungwan in her office!” Roseanne yelled, hoping it was just a sick joke. It wouldn’t have been the first time. “Sooyoung, open the damn door this isn’t funny!” Her mind was making up the worst scenarios, and she really hoped she could empty her head._

_“Fuck it, I’m calling Seungwan. You think this is funny, don’t you?!”_

_She slid her phone out of her blazer and was about to phone Seungwan’s number, until she realized Seungwan and Irene had their weekly dinner with Irene's parents tonight. The two had been dating for a little over a year. Irene was a senior to Seungwan in the psychological field, that’s how the two met and clicked._

_“Fuck…”_

_She returned her focus on the door, trying to open it once again, but it was of no use._

_“I’m calling Seulgi-unnie…”_

_She typed Seulgi’s name in her contacts, her fingers trembling._

_“Annyeong, Seulgi here!”_

_“Hey unnie, I ne-” “Gotcha! I’m not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep and I’ll try to call back as soon as possible!”_

_Roseanne immediately hung up in frustration, “Imagine having this as your voicemail at your big age.”_

_She phoned Seulgi a second time, and a third time and a fourth time, until she realized how pointless it was and refocused on trying to open that door. She wrapped her hand around the door handle, repeatingly pushing it down, “Park Sooyoung, answer me damn it!” She banged on the door, slammed her body against it multiple times, but it was still dead silent on the other side of the door. Her anxiety was leveling up._

_“Maybe Lisa is gonna answer…”_

_She called Lisa’s phone, and finally someone was able to pick up, “Chong-ah, do you miss me already?” Lisa had visited Roseanne earlier today, since she was nearby her law firm. They ate lunch together, along with Yerim, a newbie at the firm who was assigned as Roseanne’s temporary paralegal/assistant._

_“Lisa,Ireallydon’thavetimeforjokesrightnow,IreallyneedyourhelpbecauseI’mfreakingoutrightnowanddon’tknowwhattodo,” she said in one breath._

_“Woah, slow down and repeat that in human language please. All I got is that you’re freaking out.” The Thai giggled, “What’s up?”_

_Roseanne took one deep breath, “I don’t_ **_know_ ** _what’s going on, that’s the fucking problem! It’s Sooyoung… I think she’s playing some fucking sick joke with me and I_ **_hate_ ** _it!” She was on the verge of tears._

_“What do you mean fucking sick joke?”_

_“I don’t know?! I just got home and told her I’m home but she didn’t respond or anything! I checked our bedroom and she’s not here, then I tried to open the bathroom door, but the door is fucking locked and she’s not responding or anything and I’m freaking out, Lisa! What do I fucking do?!” She yelled over the phone, as if that was supposed to help her._

_“How long have you been home? How long has she been home?”_

_“I don’t know, she usually always gets back between 4:30 and 5 o’clock! I got home about ten minutes ago, I think! Lisa, I’m freaking out!”_

_“It’s around eight-thirty o’clock now…” She heard Lisa murmur to herself. “Hey, doesn’t Sooyoung usually text you whenever she gets home?”_

_Fuck. Roseanne pressed on the home button and went to her messages to see if she had received a text from Sooyoung, but the last messages dated from noon._

_“Lisa, she didn’t text me… what the fuck do I do?” Roseanne was sick in the stomach._

_“Call the ambulance.”_

_“What the_ **_fuck_ ** _are you talking about?”_

_“You asked me what to do and I told you to call the fucking ambulance, Roseanne.” You knew it was serious when Lisa called her by her English name. “And what do I fucking tell them?! My wife is hiding from me in the bathroom and is refusing to open the door?!” Roseanne asked Lisa in an ‘are you serious?’ way. She was in denial, refusing to believe something had happened to her wife, but deep down she knew something was wrong._

_“No. You tell them your wife is locked in the bathroom and not responding and might have lost consciousness!_ **_That’s_ ** _what you fucking tell them, because I know that’s exactly what you’re thinking.”_

_Lisa was right. And Roseanne hated how Lisa could read her mind so easily, even when not being in the same room._

_“Fine.”_

_“Call me right after.”_

_“Yeah, whatever…”_

_Roseanne ended the call and immediately dialled the medical emergency’s number. After three rings, the person on the line picked up, “Seoul’s National University Emergency operator, what’s your emergency?”_

_Roseanne felt sick, just having to listen to those words. Never had she ever thought she would have to call the ambulance for her wife._

_“Uhm h-hi, my wife is locked in the bathroom and I think she might have lost co-consciousness. I- I don’t know… I have no idea how long she’s been here, but I- I just got home from work and she’s not r-responding or anything,” she stuttered throughout the call, hands shaking, heart thumping so fast and so hard that it had gotten to her head. “Okay, could you please give us your address?” It annoyed her how calm the operator sounded, a little to no concern, but that was probably their job._

_“170-10, Hangukjasangwanrigongsa, Yeoksam 1(il)-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul. It’s an apartment building on the sixth floor, number 6-1.”_

_“Could I please have your wife’s name, age and birthday?”_

_“Park Sooyoung, she’s 34 years old. Born on September 3rd, 1996.”_

_“Park Sooyoung? As in the doctor working in the pediatrician ward?” Suddenly the concern grew in the operator’s voice, and Roseanne didn’t like it. Who cared if Sooyoung worked there or not? But then she remembered Sooyoung had always been loved in that place, just like the hospital in Gwangju._

_“Yes. Now, could you_ **_please_ ** _send someone down here?!” She begged the operator._

_“I’m sorry, I’m just going to need your name and age and birthday as well.”_

_“Park Roseanne Chaeyoung, 33 years old, born on the eleventh of February in 1997.”_

_“Noted, help is on the way!”_

_The call ended and she prevented herself from crying. “It’s gonna be okay, it’s going to be okay, she’ll be okay,” she told herself. Everything would be alright. Some part of her was still hoping it was still a sick joke._

_“Sooyoung, I’m asking you one more time to open the door… please,” Roseanne pleaded, but once again she was left with no response. She waited and she waited. The unresponsiveness from Sooyoung was killing her. She tried to think of only positive thoughts, but it was so hard to do so._

_The loud sounds of sirens approached the building, she could hear them loud and clear from up here. Soon enough, the bell from their apartment rang. She made her way to the answering machine and pressed on the button to open the doors downstairs. She opened the front door as well so that the paramedics could immediately enter._

_She watched three men invading their apartment with a stretcher and a bunch of medical equipment. She wasn’t even going to question how they got all of that up here so fast, she was rather thankful._

_“Where is the victim?”_

_“Right here,” she led them to their bedroom where the locked bathroom door was, “but it’s locked.”_

_As two of the heavy-built men slammed their bodies against the door, the third one pulled Roseanne aside. “Do you know what happened?”_

_“I- I don’t? Like I said to the operator, I got home and made it known and she usually always says something back, but this time she didn’t. It was dead silent and I thought she was joking around, I tried to call friends asking what to do and then I called the emerg-” A loud thud sound, made her jump a little. “We opened it!”_

**_(TW // blood)_ **

_Roseanne turned around and followed the two men inside. She saw something she never thought would ever be possible. Her wife lying halfnaked on the bathroom floor, unconscious, surrounded by a pool of blood. She must’ve slipped and fell. It looked like the only rational hypothesis._

_“She’s still bleeding.”_

_The white bathroom tiles painted red. There was so much blood. Too much blood. Was it even possible to bleed this much from a slip and fall? Some areas of the bathroom floor were dark red, blackish. Dried up blood. So she had been bleeding for hours._

_“Okay, she still has a pulse.”_

_She didn’t have time to process the scene. She kept thinking how this could’ve happened and what would’ve happened if she hadn’t stayed at the law firm so late? What would’ve happened if she had gotten home earlier? What would’ve happened if she would’ve heard Sooyoung falling? So many ‘what ifs’, but that wasn’t going to change reality, and the guiltiness grew within her. Roseanne got shoved aside by one of them so that the other could exit the bathroom with Sooyoung in his arms. The thirty-three year old woman stood perplexed, still. Her muscles refused to move. Her brains failed to send signals. She just stood by the bathroom’s doorway. Staring at the empty area where Sooyoung’s body was no longer than thirty seconds ago. The amount of blood was concerning… she had never seen it before. Not even in movie scenes. So lost and confused, that she didn’t realize the two men already had Sooyoung placed on the stretcher._

_“Ma’am? Ma’am…” The third man spoke up, placing his hand on Roseanne’s shoulder. “Is everything alright?”_

_He couldn’t possibly be asking her this question?_

_“My wife just lied there about a minute ago, looking half dead, and you have the_ **_audacity_ ** _to ask me if I’m alright?! Yeah, I’m feeling_ **_super_ ** _great right now! Couldn’t feel_ **_any_ ** _better!” The anger was overpowering her, but the paramedic remained his cool. He was probably heavily trained to remain calm in stressful situations like these. “We’ll do everything in our power to make sure she’s alright. Guys, get her downstairs as soon as possible.”_

_The two other paramedics rolled the stretcher out of the apartment, Sooyoung’s blood leaving a path of stains Roseanne would have to clean up later. “I’m coming with.” Roseanne told the third paramedic. “You can’t join us in the ambulance van, unless you follow us with your own car.”_

_“It wasn't a question.” Roseanne, always the persistent type. “And it wasn’t an option either. This is for your own safety and for hers as well.”_

_“Bullshit, she’s my fucking wife! I want to be by her side!”_

_“And I told you, you can’t, ma’am. You are allowed to follow us with your own vehicle. I really must get going now.” And he left her. Roseanne wanted to follow, but her legs felt too heavy. She couldn’t move at all. As if she had a certain amount of weight attached to her legs._

_Her phone rang and she immediately picked up, though unable to form sentences, let alone, words._

_“Chong-ah?”_

_“Chaeyoung-ah, did you call the ambulance?”_

_“Chaeyoung-ah?”_

_“Roseanne?”_

_“Hello?”_

_She couldn't find the words. Her mind was a scribble scrabble._

_“Fuck it, stay wherever you are. I’m coming over right now!” Lisa said in a worry. Though, Lisa didn’t have to worry about Roseanne leaving her spot, as her feet were literally glued to the floor._

_Time passed. How much? She didn’t know. To Roseanne, it felt like her world stopped. The image of Sooyoung’s almost lifeless body petrified her._

_“Chaeyoung-ah…” She heard Lisa’s voice from a short distance._

_She was here already?_

_The paramedic must’ve left the front door open, because Roseanne heard footsteps approaching. “Chaeyoung-ah, what happened?” Lisa’s eyes exuded horror when looking at the blood in the apartment, but the blood in the apartment was nothing compared to the blood in the bathroom. It was a lot. As if a battlefield had taken place in that room._

_“Where is Sooyoung?!” Her friend questioned her, fear in her voice._

_Roseanne couldn’t do nor say anything._

_Lisa carefully walked past her friend to check the bathroom. The door was left wide open. A loud gasp escaped Lisa, “_ **_Holy fucking shit, what the fuck happened?!_ ** _”_

_Roseanne still hadn't left her spot. She couldn’t. She wanted to, but didn’t know how. Paralyzed. That’s exactly what she felt like. The signals her brains were trying to send didn’t make it to her muscles. Cut off somewhere in her chain of nerve cells._

**_“Chaeyoung-ah, what happened and where the hell is Sooyoung?!”_ **

_Lisa meant well, but Roseanne didn’t like the way she was getting yelled at. Especially when she, herself, had no idea what had happened. What could’ve possibly happened for Sooyoung to lose this much blood. It was ridiculous._

_“_ **_Damn it, do I look like I’m supposed to fucking know what fucking happened?! I thought she was fucking joking around, but it turns out she was lying on that damn floor, unfuckingconscious for God knows how fucking long! God, I never should’ve stayed at the firm this late!_ ** _” Roseanne was in no control of her words nor of her emotions. Everything was floating around in her head. So many thoughts at once, she couldn’t focus at all. So many scenarios, so many different outcomes, so many questions. She didn’t understand anything, she couldn’t understand anything at all._

_“Okay what you’re not going to do, is blame yourself for this, alright?”_

_“It’s not like I’m lying?! It wouldn’t have come to_ **_this_ ** _, had I never stayed this late there!”_

_“You don’t know that…”_

_“For fuck’s sake, Lisa! You weren’t here when we found her there! She was_ **_still_ ** _bleeding! I could’ve prevented this!”_

 _“And I’m telling you to stop making these theories. As harsh as it may sound, it happened and there is nothing you can do about it… but what you_ **_can_ ** _do is allow me to drive you to the hospital so you can be there for and with her.”_

_“I’m scared, Lisa.”_

_“I know you are.”_

_“She still had a pulse, but…” Roseanne whispered, feeling quite unsteady._

_“Hey? It’s Sooyoung we’re talking about here. She’s not a quitter, and_ **_you_ ** _should know that best. She will fight, now_ **_please_ ** _let me drive you there,” Lisa offered her hand for Roseanne._

_“I need to clean this mess first…”_

_“This mess can wait, Roseanne. Sooyoung can’t…” The harsh reality. Roseanne knew that._

_Only fifteen minutes ago she was so persistent in joining Sooyoung in that ambulance, and now she was the total opposite, absolutely not wanting to leave her spot and making up excuses for it, because of that fear in her heart._

_“I’m_ **_really_ ** _scared Lisa…”_

_Roseanne was trembling. Eyes bloodshot red, yet no tears. She couldn’t bring herself to cry. It would only worsen everything. “Please just take my hand, and I’ll take us there…” Lisa’s hand was still waiting for Roseanne’s. She was very patient with her best friend. It took some time for Roseanne to stretch out her arm and place her hand in Lisa’s, letting her best friend take the lead as she walked them out of the apartment._

_By now they were in Lisa’s car, on their way to the hospital. Roseanne didn’t speak. She was staring out of the window, thinking of her wife, mentally praying for the best._

_“Have you called Seulgi-unnie already?” Lisa quietly asked her best friend. Roseanne shook her head, “I tried to call her before calling you but she didn’t pick up. Then I called you, then the ambulance. I haven’t called anyone since your last call…”_

_“I understand…”_

_The ride from the apartment building to the hospital wasn’t that long. About twenty minutes had passed before the familiar letters came into view,_ **_Seoul National University Hospital_** _. It made Roseanne sick, but she tried to fixate her thoughts on nothing but positivity, whispering to herself that everything would be alright, that Sooyoung would be alright._

_“We’re here,” the car finally stood still. “Are you okay?”_

_“Not at all,” Roseanne said honestly. “But I don’t really have a choice, so let’s just go.”_

_The two unbuckled themselves and got out of Lisa’s car. The latter walked over to Roseanne and linked their arms as they made their way to the entrance of the building. Once inside, they were greeted by a lady behind the desk at the reception, “Welcome to Seoul’s National University Hospital, how may I help you?” She kindly smiled at the duo._

_“Uhm, we’re here for Park Sooyoung,” Lisa spoke up for Roseanne. “She was admitted here not so long ago, I think. She’s thirty-four years old, born on September third, 1996.”_

_“Let me quickly check it out for you,” The young lady typed and clicked before taking her eyes off the computer and eyeing the two impatient women in front of her._

_“Mrs. Park was admitted into the Accident & Emergency department about an hour ago, but I see here that she was transferred to the Haematology department about ten minutes ago. She is not receiving visitors at the moment, but you can wait in front of her room. It’s on the fifth floor, section H, room 5730, west wing of the building.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_Lisa almost had to drag Roseanne with her, as they walked away from the desk lady and towards one of the many elevators in the west wing of the hospital. Before they could even make it inside the elevator, Roseanne stopped._

_“I can’t do this.”_

_“Yes, you_ **_can_ ** _.”_

_“I really can’t Lisa, I really don’t think I can.”_

_“I know you can. You’re not alone in this, Chong-ah. I’m here with you, okay?”_

_Maybe that’s what she needed; one of her best friends reminding her that she was not alone._

_“Okay…”_

_They got in the elevator, and Lisa pressed on number five. Lisa intertwined their fingers as soon as they reached their destined level. The two had to follow the signs. Haematology department, section H._

_Room 5700, room 5702, room 5704… they kept on walking, room 5726, room 5728, and finally_ **_room 5730_ ** _. The door was closed, and so were the window curtains._

_“Let’s sit here,” Lisa suggested. There were five empty chairs right across the room’s door._

_“What time is it?” Roseanne asked Lisa. She hadn’t checked the time ever since she had Lisa on the phone the first time._

_“It’s 10:13 PM now.”_

_How was time able to go by so fast yet so slow?_

_“Have you eaten something?”_

_Roseanne shook her head, “Food is the_ **_last_ ** _thing on my mind right now…” That was very uncommon for Roseanne to say. The woman who was always hungry, the woman who was craving food 25/8, was not in the mood for food._

 _“You need to_ **_at least_** _e_ _at something, even a small snack from the vending machine?”_

_“I’m really not hungry, Lis.”_

_“Okay, I’m not going to push you. I’m going to get something for myself though, you’ll be good here?”_

_Roseanne nodded her head, “Yeah, don’t worry.”_

_She watched Lisa walk down the hallway until she fully disappeared. Roseanne let out a very frustrated sigh, hiding her face in her hands as she placed her elbows on her lap. Her heart never stopped racing. She was wondering if that was healthy at all. Probably not, but she knew her heart wouldn’t stop racing until she would get good news about Sooyoung…_ **_if_ ** _she would get good news about her. She hated being in the unknown. Her wife was in that very hospital room across from Roseanne, yet it felt like she was miles away from the latter._

_“I hate this…” Roseanne muttered to herself. She didn’t even know how to tell this to Sooyoung’s family, but she wouldn’t call them until she would hear news from the doctors, which could last hours or days even. What did she know?_

_“Damn it, Sooyoung.”_

_She stared at the door. She wanted to know so badly what was happening on the other side of it. Her eyes wandered around the hallway, her gaze finally fixating on the same words she saw before getting in this department._

**_‘Haematology Ward’_ **

_Roseanne didn’t know much about hospitals and their different specialized departments, but those two words triggered a memory from the past, from fourteen years ago. When she spent Christmas with Sooyoung and her family for the first time. They made it a tradition to spend Christmas at Sooyoung’s old household every two years. The other years they’d spend it in Australia, with Roseanne’s still divorced parents and older sister, Alice. Back to the first Christmas with Sooyoung and her family, Roseanne remembered that day so well. Sooyoung took them to Gwangju’s residential hospital to visit young ill patients. After Daeun and Yunhee got along with some of the patients, Roseanne accompanied Sooyoung towards the Haematology ward. The latter had taken them to the room where her father was getting treated._

_The Haematology ward… twenty-three years later and now Sooyoung was the one getting treated in the same ward, different hospital. You’d almost think it was genetic, but Sooyoung made sure to Roseanne several times that what her appa suffered and died from, was not inherited by either her or Yunhee. They both had to undergo tests and tested negative to Hemophilia. That’s what Sooyoung’s appa had._

_“Are you sure you don’t want to take a bite of my waffle?” Roseanne heard Lisa’s voice come closer._

_She pressured a smile on her lips, “No, thanks.”_

_The two friends remained in silence. Watching doctors and nurses pass by with hospital beds with patients in them, with medical equipment. Hours must have passed since her eyelids were getting heavier and heavier to keep open, but the woman tried to fight off the drowse._

_“You can sleep on my shoulder if you want? You look really tired, Chaeng. You should rest, you’ve had a long day already.”_

_“No, I’m fine…”_

_“Chae-” Lisa was cut off by the door of Sooyoung’s room opening and two people on their way to walk out. Roseanne got up on her feet in a reflex._

_A doctor took off his mouth mask and made eye contact with Roseanne and Lisa._

_“I suppose you two are friends of the patient?”_

_“I’m her friend, she’s her wife,” Lisa corrected him._

_The doctor looked a bit taken aback upon finding out Roseanne was Sooyoung’s wife. Roseanne hated it. Gay marriage had been legal for some time now, yet that still didn’t change most people’s reactions. Whatever, she had something else to worry about; knowing if Sooyoung was alright._

_“How is she?” She sounded so needy, so desperate._

_“Right…” the nurse next to the doctor gave him a notepad, “Mrs. Park fell, we still don’t know how that happened exactly, but she lost a lot of blood.”_

_Roseanne was getting fired up, “Oh really?! I didn’t see that in our apartment where she was surrounded by a fucking pool of blood!”_

_“Chong-ah, calm down please,” Lisa tugged on the back of Roseanne’s coat. “Please continue,” her friend then told the doctor who was glaring at Roseanne._

_Roseanne got confronted with the next question, “We looked at her medical history, did you know your wife had an iron deficiency before what happened today?”_

_“I- eh… yeah, she mentioned it to me years ago, but she told me it was nothing to really worry about. She’s been following diets rich in iron and taking a lot of iron supplements to compensate for it though, it was not even noticeable.”_

_“It’s true that initially, iron deficiency anemia can be so light that it goes unnoticed. But as the body becomes more deficient in iron, anemia worsens, and the signs and symptoms intensify. Have you noticed something strange about her these days?”_

_“She has anemia?”_

_“Yes, iron deficiency is what causes anemia. Anemia is a disease where the body fails to produce enough blood red cells and thus the body lacks healthy blood cells. Iron deficiency can be caused by many things: blood loss, lack of iron in your diet, the inability of the body to absorb iron or pregnancy even. It is more common for women to develop this disease. Without enough iron, your body fails to produce enough of a substance in red blood cells that enables them to carry oxygen. Which is why I’m asking you if you’ve noticed strange things about your wife?”_

_Roseanne was getting so much information to be able to process so late at night. Her mind was running cycles. She felt so pressured, it messed her up. As she was overthinking and overanalyzing all of her latest interactions with Sooyoung, she did notice some things._

_“I- eh she’s been worn out a lot lately, but always blamed it on having to work long shifts? She works in this hospital too… as a pediatrician. She wakes up really early, around six am and gets back home between 4:30 and 5. I don’t know? She’s always felt cold?” That was something Roseanne had remarked about Sooyoung even before they got together. Sooyoung would easily get cold, but she did notice Sooyoung was feeling colder than usual lately. “And looking really pale as well, but I thought it was because of the change of weather? The other day she complained about having the worst headache, so I made her stay home, but she got better after two days and returned to the hospital to work…” Roseanne blurted out all the little details about Sooyoung’s change of behavior, and it was only making her feel sicker._

_The doctor wrote everything down on his notepad._

_“Ca- Can I see her? Is she awake?”_

_“She’s still unresponsive, and visiting hours don’t start until tomorrow nine o’clock, so I suggest you just go back home and come back in the morning.” And with that, they left._

_“Are you alright? Let’s just go home, you can stay at my place if you want to. We can clean up your apartment tomorrow.”_

_Roseanne shook her head, “I can’t. I feel like I have to stay here in case something happens.” She sat back down and Lisa sat back down as well._

_Roseanne fiddled with her fingers, “Thank you by the way…”_

_“Hm? What for?”_

_“You don’t actually have to stay here, but you are… so thank you for staying.”_

_“Stop being so ridiculous, Chong-ah. You’re one of my best friends and you need me right now. I know you would’ve done the same if it were me in that position.”_

_“I know… but still, thank you.”_

_“Come here,” Lisa threw her arm around her friend and pushed Roseanne’s head against hers._

_“Everything will be okay, you’ll see.”_

_Roseanne wanted to believe every word. She wanted to believe those words so badly, but the insecurity was bigger than her._

_“Yeah…”_

_It must’ve been around three o’clock in the morning by then. Roseanne had a very long week behind her back and had expected to have the weekend all for herself and Sooyoung. Having her wife checked in the hospital was not what she meant by that. Her mind kept doing gymnastics, still trying to figure out and understand this, but nothing. If anything, it only made her head throb more. She had no idea what time it was, but around a sudden time, she failed to resist the fatigue in her body. Last thing she remembered was dozing off on Lisa’s shoulder._

•

_“Chaeyoung-ah, wake up.”_

_“Chaeyoung…”_

_“Chong-ah.”_

_Roseanne grumped as she slowly opened her eyes, blinded by the bright sunlight reflecting in the very white hospital hallways. It wasn’t until she realized where she was, that she fully woke up. Remembering about last night’s events and hoping it was just a very horrible nightmare. But it wasn’t._

_“Morning sleepyhead,” Lisa greeted her._

_“Morning, what time is it?” It felt so early. Her body still as drained out as right before she fell asleep. She obviously didn’t get enough sleep._

_“It’s a little over nine. The same doctor from yesterday just passed by like an hour ago.”_

_“He did? Why didn’t you wake me up? What did he say? Is she awake? What happened?”_

_Lisa chuckled, “Okay, slow down tiger.” Roseanne, on the other hand, couldn’t laugh with it. She was genuinely concerned about her wife. “I’ve been trying to wake you up this whole time, but you were truly knocked out.”_

_She_ **_still_ ** _was exhausted, actually._

_“What did they say?”_

_“They did blood tests on Sooyoung overnight and started her blood transfusion about thirty minutes ago or so. The transfusion doesn’t end until about three more hours. The doctor told us to go home and come back this afternoon.”_

_Roseanne vastly shook her head, “I can’t. I’m staying here, but you should go back home.”_

_“You’re being ridiculous right now, Chaeyoung-ah…”_

_“I’m not. I just can’t go back home, at least not_ **_now_ ** _.”_

_“Sooyoung would want you to go back home and rest, Chaeyoung. And I really don’t want to leave you here alone.”_

_“I’m_ **_not_ ** _alone, she’s right there,” The woman nodded her head towards the closed door of Sooyoung’s room. “I’m sure Jisoo wants you back home. Go, I’ll be fine here.”_

_“Jisoo knows and understands what’s going on, Chae-” “Lisa, I promise you that I’m doing just fine.”_

_Lisa wasn’t exactly buying it, but she didn’t want Roseanne to start a scene in this place, knowing how stubborn her best friend could be._

_“Okay, I’ll come back later today. Please make sure to_ **_eat_ ** _something and don’t knock yourself out, please. You haven’t eaten since lunch time yesterday.”_

_“Yes, Lisa…”_

_“I’m serious Chaeyoung-ah, don’t make yourself suffer more.”_

_“Yes, Lisa.”_

_“Oh and… I know it’s not my business, but are you going to call her family?”_

_Roseanne sighed thinking about Sooyoung’s family. “I want to wait until I personally hear about Sooyoung. I really don’t want to shock them with this news and I wanna be sure of the facts.”_

_Lisa understandingly nodded her head._

_“I- Can you do me a favor, though?”_

_“Anything.”_

_“Could you update Seulgi-unnie about this? I don’t think I actually have it in me to do it at this point, and you’re really close to her… and tell Seungwan about this as well, please?”_

_“Of course, I’ll inform them about it. I’ll see you later today, okay? Do you need me to come back with something? Anything?”_

_Roseanne shook her head, “I’m good.”_

_“Oka-” “Or wait, could you go to my apartment and bring my laptop? It’s in my work bag.”_

_“Sure thing, I’ll see you later. Take care of yourself, she’ll be okay.” Lisa left a kiss on her friend’s forehead and took off, leaving Roseanne alone._

_Just Roseanne and her thoughts, surrounded by monitor sounds. Not the best combination, but it wasn’t like she could do anything about it. The only thing she could do was be there for Sooyoung. She made that promise years ago, to take Sooyoung as her lawful wife in sickness and in health, and she wasn’t intending on_ **_ever_ ** _breaking that promise._

_She pulled out her phone to distract herself, but the screen displayed the dead battery icon. “How great,” she muttered under her breath. She hid her phone and threw her head back against the wall as her gaze never broke away from Sooyoung’s hospital room. She couldn’t see nor hear anything going on in that room._

_Hours were consumed, blankly staring at the door, waiting for some movement. Her stomach growled. It sounded as if a hungry lion was caged inside._

_“I need to go eat something.”_

_Roseanne got up from the very uncomfortable seat. Her body was hurting and she felt really light in the head. She really needed to get something inside her stomach, anything. She left the ward, and took the elevator down to the first level. Following all the plate and utensils signs, until finally she made it to the hospital’s cafeteria. It was huge, but luckily not too hectic. She got in line and waited for her turn._

_After being served, she took a seat near the windows and silently ate and drank her vegetable tofu soup. The sky was grey and dark, meaning it was bound to rain today. They were in mid-Autumn, slowly getting ready for Winter season, Roseanne’s favorite season in Korea._

_“Excuse me, is this seat taken?” Roseanne heard a voice. A very familiar one, actually._

_“Jennie-ssi?”_

_“Aish come on, you know me well enough now to call me unnie.”_

_“Yeah, I’m sorry- it’s just… wow, we haven’t seen each other in_ **_years_ ** _.” Jennie graduated around the same time Sooyoung did and that was the last time Roseanne personally heard from her. “I’m as shocked as you are, who would’ve thought that out of_ **_all_ ** _places, I’d meet you_ **_here_ ** _.”_

_“Yeah, it’s crazy,” Roseanne forced a laugh. “What takes you here? If that doesn’t sound too rude.”_

_“It doesn’t. I came here to drop off my close friend's daughter, since my friend couldn’t. She's like a niece to me. She has a few medical tests to go through and was really upset when she found out her favorite doctor wasn’t going to treat her today. Such a cutie,” Jennie snorted. “What about you?”_

_“What’s your niece’s doctor’s name?” Roseanne asked, ignoring Jennie's previous question. “I think it was doctor Sooyoung? Apparently they’re best friends, isn’t that cute?” Though her bowl was far from empty, she put the spoon back in it and pushed her bowl aside. “You’re not going to finish that?”_

_“I’m sorry, I have to get out of here,” Roseanne left the table, and hastily walked out of that place. Her mind was trying to block out all of the noises, but her brains were getting too many signals. She was stopped midtrack by someone holding a firm grip on her wrist. “Chaeyoung, did I say something wrong?” Jennie gave Roseanne a very concerned and apologetic look. The latter shook her head, “Sooyoung was admitted to the hospital last night. That’s why she isn’t able to treat your niece today. I still don’t know what the fuck happened. We found her there, unconscious, there was so much blood, unnie…”_

_“Sooyoung? As in the same Sooyoung I thought you were secretly dating in college?” Roseanne nodded her head, tears already escaping her eyes, “What the hell am I supposed to do? I can’t even imagine…” She couldn’t even finish that sentence. The mere thought of possibly losing Sooyoung didn’t sit right with her sanity. “Hey, don’t think so negatively! Please don’t think that way, it’s not good for you. Listen, I might not have known Sooyoung-ssi personally, but what I do know is that she_ **_loves_ ** _you. For years, you tried to hide your relationship with her throughout college, but every time I saw you two together… I don’t know Chaeyoung-ah… it’s impossible to hide your love for someone, which was exactly the case for you and Sooyoung. I know that whatever state she is in right now, she_ **_will_ ** _fight to be with you again, because she loves you.”_

_“Aigoo, come here,” Jennie invited Roseanne in a hug, allowing her to cry on her shoulders. “It’s going to be okay, trust me on that.” Oh how she wished she could actually trust Jennie on that. But the dark thoughts in her mind overpowered her, always making up the worst scenarios. Hypothetical images spiralling inside her head._

_“I messed up your blazer, I’m so sorry.”_

_“Don’t apologize, a quick washing cycle and it’ll look spotless again. I just want to make sure you’re okay?”_

_“I’m not… I want to be, but I’m not.”_

_“I can understand that.”_

_“I think I’m going back to her room and wait until the doctors let me in.”_

_“You’ve been here all night?”_

_Roseanne slightly nodded her head, waiting for a disgusted look from Jennie. The woman hadn’t showered nor brushed her teeth. “Please be easy on yourself. I know you want to be there for her, but you must take care of yourself as well, Chaeyoung. It wouldn’t hurt anyone if you would go home, get rest, freshen yourself up and come back here.” Somewhat the same things Lisa said. “I’m just scared something will happen and me not being there. What if she wakes up and asks for me but the doctors tell her I’m sleeping at home. I don’t want her to think sleeping is more important than being there for her.”_

_“Okay, excuse my choice of words, but that’s straight-up bullshit, Chaeyoung-ah. You’ve been together for God knows how long, meaning you’ve both gone through lots of obstacles together. Sooyoung knows you, and I’m pretty sure she knows how much you love her. She_ **_will_ ** _understand you need some time to breathe, some time to get out of this place. You need a break from this, but that doesn’t mean you’re abandoning her. She will understand that, believe me. This is more about ‘just getting sleep’, it’s about your_ **_wellbeing_ ** _,” Jennie said to Roseanne. Wiping away the younger woman’s tears._

_Roseanne realized her words were right. Sooyoung would understand, right? But then again, she didn’t want to leave until the doctors personally updated her about Sooyoung. “I might go home after the doctors inform me about Sooyoung’s condition.”_

_“Good, if you need me to drive you home, I’ll gladly do that for you. My niece’s tests don’t end until late at night, so I’m here all day. Just give me a ring and I’ll come.”_

_“That’s sweet, but it’s okay. One of my friends is coming back later to come and check up. Besides, I can't call you in case I wouldn’t find you, because my phone died.”_

_“You need a charger? Here,” Jennie reached for an object in her purse and took it out. “Here you can keep it, I have plenty at home,” she gave her power bank to Roseanne._

_“Thank you.”_

_“Don’t sweat it. We’re friends.”_

_It took less than five minutes for Roseanne to be back on that chair in front of Sooyoung's room. Nothing had changed. Door still closed, curtains still closed. Though her phone was charging and it was probably a bad idea to get on your phone while charging it, she pressed on the lock button, just to find a bunch of notifications in her notification center. Text messages from clients, missed calls from her assistant Yerim, missed calls from Daeun, missed calls from Seulgi as well. She felt overwhelmed by all of it, not knowing who to call back first. Her anxiety only got worse seeing the amount of times Daeun’s name appeared on her screen. Would she know? No she wouldn’t, otherwise Yunhee and Sooyoung’s parents would’ve tried to reach out to her as well._

_Maybe she should try calling Yerim first. She pressed on the younger woman’s name and put her phone next to her ear, waiting for a response._

_“Good morning Mrs. Park, I see you received my calls?”_

_“When will you stop addressing me as Mrs. Park? I told you I’m okay with you calling me ‘unnie’...”_

_“Because I love getting a reaction out of you, so what’s up?”_

_“What’s up? I think_ **_I_ ** _should be the one asking you this, you called me twice.”_

_“Right, but your voice sounds quite off which is why I’m asking what’s up? You didn’t work all night long did you, unnie? You worked over your hours yesterday, I think you’ve worked enough. It’s the weekend, you should rest, unnie.”_

_Being told this, brought her back to last night’s events. Her returning home after a very long day at the law firm and being clueless as to why Sooyoung wasn’t responding. It was very traumatic to see Sooyoung laying there on the floor about half an hour later. An image she wished she could just erase from her memories. If Roseanne hadn’t known better she had thought her wife had passed away. Luckily, the paramedics told her Sooyoung still had a pulse. There was hope, there was a chance of Sooyoung surviving this, but how big was the chance?_

_“Unnie? Is everything alright?”_

_Damn, she had forgotten Yerim was still on the phone._

_“Uhm, sorry what did you call for?” She ignored Yerim’s concern._

_“Right… uhm, I just wanted to call to say that the hearing of Wednesday is being moved to Monday afternoon because of a change of events.”_

_“Honestly, I don’t think I can come to work this week.”_

_“Is everything alright?” Yerim asked again._

_“Yeah, it’s just- something personal came up and I just can’t leave. I’ll make sure to send an email to Mr. Chu.”_

_“Do you want me to do it for you? You can lie to me all you want unnie, but I can hear when you’re not doing alright. I won’t ask you more, because I still have to respect you. But please take the time to take care of yourself and to fix whatever is bothering you. I can handle it from here, okay?”_

_Roseanne wanted to cry so hard at Yerim’s words. Oh how she wished she could fix what was going on. If only she had some crazy superpowers to solve this. But she had nothing._

_“Yeah… thank you, Yerim.”_

_“Don’t thank me. I’m just doing my job and being a considerate friend. I must go now, bye unnie.”_

_“Bye Yerim.”_

_Once again, it was just Roseanne and her thoughts. The hospital had never really been her favorite place, but after today, she was sure it would be her most hated place to be at. The only times she came to the hospital was to surprise Sooyoung to have lunch together or to surprise kids with Sooyoung around Christmas time or Korean Holidays with toys and bakeries. Other than that she tried to avoid this place as much as possible. She just didn’t enjoy being in this place. She couldn’t understand how ten-year old Sooyoung loved spending her days here. Sure, she got to spend it with her father, but she still had to watch her father suffer. This only proved that everyone was different, and that everyone reacted to certain things in a different way._

_The woman took a deep breath before calling the next person, Seulgi-unnie._

_After four rings Seulgi answered the call, “Chaeyoung-ah? What the fuck happened? I received your calls last night, but my phone was off and Lisa called me earlier to tell me Sooyoung is in the hospital? What the hell happened?! How did this happen?! I’m at the airport right now, leaving the USA in a few hours so I won’t get there until at least tomorrow.”_

_This is what Roseanne was scared of. Hearing Seulgi-unnie’s reaction. Could you blame her though? Seulgi had been best friends with Sooyoung since their pre-teens. Seulgi’s reaction only made her more scared for Sooyoung’s family’s reaction. The thought of having to inform them Sooyoung was admitted into this place, didn’t sit right with her at all. She felt herself not being strong enough to do that._

_“I- I don’t know what happened? I got home and- and I don’t know? I told Sooyoung that I was home and- and she usually_ **_always_ ** _responds, but she wasn’t. The bathroom door was locked… Seulgi-unnie, I slammed on that door, I called out her name, but nothing. That’s when I called you, I wanted to ask you if you knew if she was possibly planning to pull a joke on me. I know you two text a lot, so I thought she would’ve told you, but you weren’t answering either. Then I called Lisa and she made me call the ambulance. They got here fast, but unnie, there was_ **_so much_ ** _blood.” The strong smell of Sooyoung’s blood was stuck in her olfactory memory. Roseanne tried to tell Seulgi the whole story, from A to Z, but she kept stuttering while explaining. Just speaking about it felt as if she was reliving it. Was that even normal?_

 _“Sunmi and I are getting there as soon as possible, but whatever happens Chaeyoung-ah… do not blame yourself for this. I know you, you’re gonna start making crazy mind-gymnastics as to how you could’ve prevented this, but this was way out of your control. I’m gonna need you to keep that in mind, okay? This is_ **_not_ ** _your fault.”_

_Too bad her mind had already started those crazy gymnastics. How things would’ve turned out if she hadn’t worked over her usual hours._

_“Yes, unnie. Right now, I’m just glad she’s at least taken care of.”_

_“Have you called her family yet?” That question again._

_“My phone died overnight. I was thinking of calling them when the doctors personally tell me about Sooyoung’s state, but I just saw that I have a few missed calls from Daeun. I want to call her back, but I really don’t know what to tell her. She’s in her dorm with her members as well, meaning she’s not home… I just don’t want this to affect her, unnie.”_

_“I understand that, but you’ll have to call her back soon. You calling her and telling her about Sooyoung or you ignoring her phone calls will affect her either way. Just don’t wait too long about this. Or call her parents first before you tell the girls about this.”_

_“Yeah, I will do so as soon as I hear about or from Sooyoung.”_

_“Okay, make sure to eat okay? And text or call me if anything happens.”_

_“Will do… bye”_

_“Bye.”_

_How did she land in such a situation? Who would’ve thought that so much could change in the span of twenty-four hours?_

_The time marked 11:40 AM. It didn’t matter if time was running. For Roseanne, her own world would be frozen until she would get to see Sooyoung. Don’t get her wrong. She had gone days without seeing Sooyoung before, but those were in different contexts, under different circumstances, and she knew she was going to see her again_ **_alive_** _. This time her wife was somewhere between life or death, and there was nothing Roseanne could do but wait. Wait and wait and wait. She had never felt this helpless before._

_Her thumb kept scrolling through her notification center, even though she had reached the limit. Daeun’s name was still there. How badly she wanted to hear Daeun’s voice, but she couldn’t. She didn’t know how to approach Daeun with this news. She didn’t know how to approach any of Sooyoung’s family members with this news. She just hoped Sooyoung would get better soon, she prayed Sooyoung would at least wake up._

_Her phone was on 42%. Fifty-eight more to go until it was fully charged. She couldn’t do much. She could kill time by answering her clients emails, but she was very irrational at this point, and didn’t want to send the wrong things due to her mental state. So there she sat, watching doctors, nurses, patients and visitors pass by. Some even smiled at her and so she faked one back._

_“Chaeyoung-ah?” Roseanne heard her best friend’s voice. She turned her head and saw Wendy and Irene walking up towards her. Roseanne would’ve gotten up, but she felt so weak to just do that. “Lisa called Irene to tell me what happened, because I didn’t have my phone with me, and what happened? Where is Sooyoung?”_

_“In this room right here. I don’t even know how she’s doing right now. The doctors told Lisa earlier they started a blood transfusion on Sooyoung. I was still asleep and I wish I was awake, because I have so many questions, and I just_ **_personally_ ** _want to hear from a doctor or even a nurse… I just hate waiting like this, not knowing what the hell is going on.”_

_“Lisa told me what happened, why didn’t you call me last night?”_

_“Because I know you two have your weekly dinner with Irene-unnie’s parents. I just didn’t want to bother you in case it was some sick joke from Sooyoung, but yeah… now I know it wasn’t a sick joke.”_

_“You can_ **_always_ ** _call Seungwan-ah or me. You know that, Chaeyoung-ah…” Irene reassured Roseanne as Wendy agreed with her girlfriend._

_“Yeah I tried to call Seulgi-unnie but I kept being directed to her voice mail. I called Lisa, she told me to call the emergency center, next thing you know the paramedics were taking out a bloody Sooyoung out of the apartment and refusing to let me join them.”_

_“For safety measures I suppose…” Irene quietly murmured._

_“How long have you been here?” Wendy asked her friend as her and Irene sat down on the remaining seats next to Roseanne. “Last night… around ten in the evening, I guess? Didn’t fall asleep until very very late and I woke up around nine. I told Lisa she could go home and freshen herself up and such. She’s coming back later today.”_

_“And what about you? Did you at least eat?”_

_“I did… I went to the cafetaria not so long ago and had soup. I even saw an old friend… Jennie-unnie, she gave me this charger because my phone died.”_

_“Did Seulgi call you back?”_

_“She was at the airport with Sunmi-unnie. Their flight isn’t until a couple of hours, meaning they’ll get here at least tomorrow.”_

_“Good…” It was silent after that. They no longer spoke to each other, but that didn’t mean Roseanne didn’t appreciate the company. She was more than grateful for her best friends and their understanding girlfriends._

_“I need to go pee.” She said about an hour later, getting up from her seat._

_“Woah, you’re okay?” Irene asked as she tugged on Roseanne’s arm, preventing her from falling down as she lost her balance. “Yeah, my brains are just malfunctioning right now,” she brushed it off as if it was nothing. “I’ll just go to the bathroom and grab water on my way back.”_

_“Okay, we’ll wait here. Be careful.” She caught a glimpse of Wendy and Irene having their fingers intertwined. Roseanne wasn’t usually the jealous type, but knowing she couldn’t hold Sooyoung’s hand like that hurt a lot._

_The woman made it to the floor’s bathrooms, finding only empty stalls. After having done her business she went to the sinks to wash her hands. She couldn’t help but stare at herself in the mirror. She looked as if she had just returned from war. All her energy was used up and her appearance clearly showed that. She splashed some water in her face and ripped out some paper towels to dry her face and hands off. Before going back in front of Sooyoung’s room, she made a stop at the water dispenser. She grabbed a cup and filled it with cold water. She gulped the whole cup down and refilled her cup._

_She went back to the hallway of Sooyoung’s room with the water cup in her hand, only to find the unexpected at the end of the hallway. A man in a long white laboratory coat, talking to Wendy and Irene. Wendy must’ve felt Roseanne’s presence from a distance, because she turned her head towards her friend and pointed a finger at her. Roseanne speed walked towards them, not caring whether she was spilling water on her way or not._

_“Are you Mrs. Park’s wife?” It was a different doctor from last night. She could tell by the non-disgustment upon asking if she was Sooyoung’s wife. “Yes, what happened? Did you finish the blood transfusion already? How is she doing?”_

_“Well, why don’t you go look for yourself?”_

_What? Did that mean Sooyoung was awake? Was she awake this whole time or just now?_

_“She’s awake?”_

_“She is, but you must be careful. We gave her Benadryl to reduce the side effects, but the medication makes people feel quite drowsy and dizzy. I’ll give you time to reunite with your wife first, then I’ll come in later to update you about her condition. For safety and hygienic measures, we do ask not more than two people to visit the patient at the same time.”_

_“Go ahead Chaeyoung-ah. Irene and I will wait here, you deserve some alone time with Sooyoung.”_

_She was nervous as fuck. Not knowing what to expect. Not knowing what state she would see Sooyoung in, but she would never know if she didn’t open that damn door. “Come on Roseanne, you’ve got this,” she pep-talked herself. The woman had all eyes on her as she set her hand on the door handle and completely pushed it down to open the door. She was scared. Her whole body was trembling, scared to face her wife, but she couldn’t go back now. She had already set foot inside the room and closed the door behind her. Still refusing to look up. She didn’t want to see how bad it was. She didn’t want to see Sooyoung suffer._

_But Sooyoung’s voice had the power to make her look, “Hey stranger…” Even with a worn out voice, Sooyoung’s voice still sounded the sweetest. As sweet like honey._

_Their eyes met. Somehow it felt like the very first time they met. Roseanne was so captivated by Sooyoung’s eyes, though they exuded so much pain. “Why didn’t you tell me you were anemic?” Were the first words that came out of Roseanne’s mouth. It was a heavy question, especially after what Sooyoung went through, but Roseanne was her wife, and deserved answers._

_“You would always tell me it was just a tiny iron deficiency, that you would get better, when all along you’ve been hiding this illness from me… and for what, Sooyoung?” She didn’t raise her voice, but the anger and betrayal were there._

_“Because…”_

_“Because_ **_what_ ** _, Sooyoung?” Roseanne was desperate for answers._

 _“Can we please not do this now?_ **_Please_ ** _…”_

_“Fine,” Roseanne grabbed a chair and placed it next to Sooyoung’s hospital bed, “but you’ll have to tell me sooner or later as to why you didn’t tell me.”_

_“I will, I promise.”_

_Roseanne rolled her eyes, trying to stop herself from crying. She was so close to Sooyoung and thus able to take a better look at her wife. Her upper head was wrapped by a white bandage, purple cheekbone, her nose looked uneven, so Roseanne supposed it was fractured. The woman’s left leg was also wrapped in a cast._

_“How are you feeling?” Roseanne asked as she laid her hand on Sooyoung’s hand, though she didn’t expect her wife’s hand to feel so cold. Almost as if she had been stuck in a freezer for the longest time ever._

_“I’ve definitely felt better.”_

_If only she had the power to take the pain out of Sooyoung’s body. Life would be so much easier with actual superheroes. “I_ **_hate_ ** _seeing you like this…”_

_“It’s not that ba-”_

_Roseanne shook her head, not even thinking about letting Sooyoung finish that sentence, “Don’t you dare and tell me it’s not that bad when I_ **_saw_ ** _you there with my own eyes. There was so much blood, Sooyoung. You have no idea what the hell was going through my mind when I saw your unconscious body there. Sooyoung, I really thought you wouldn’t make it… so please stop trying to sugarcoat this, I’m_ **_literally_ ** _begging you to.”_

_“I… I’m so sorry, Chae.”_

_A wave of silence overwhelmed them. Both not really knowing what to say, until Roseanne took Sooyoung’s hand in hers, and kissed the back of it. “I’m just glad you’re awake right now and that I finally get to hold your hand.”_

_“You look tired, did you sleep?” Sooyoung freed her hand from Roseanne’s, so she could push away the strands of hair in her wife’s face, blocking her sight._

_“Barely,” Roseanne nonchalantly chuckled, “these seats are super uncomfortable.”_

_“You stayed here all night?”_

_“Of course I did. You didn’t think I’d go home without seeing you first, did you?”_

_“I’m so sorry, Chae.”_

_“It’s okay. Like I said, I’m just glad I can finally see you now… and talk to you… and hold your hand like this.” Roseanne locked their fingers again. Roseanne didn’t dare to look Sooyoung in the eyes, but she could tell the latter had her gaze fixated on her. Her thumb was gently rubbing the back of Sooyoung’s hand, trying to give off the warmth to her wife._

_“I was scared.”_

_A frown grew on Roseanne’s face, “Hm?”_

_“You asked why I hid this from you.”_

_“We don’t need to talk about this n-”_

_Sooyoung shook her head, disagreeing with her wife, “No, you_ **_deserve_ ** _an explanation… I can’t keep on hiding this from you.” It hurt Roseanne. Knowing how Sooyoung had kept this a secret from her hurt. Did her wife not trust her at all? Why was she scared of telling Roseanne? Was she scared Roseanne would try and file a divorce? So many unanswered questions roamed around in her head. “I didn’t lie, you know? I really did have a minor iron deficiency, and I did follow the proper diets to try and regain the loss, only what I never told you is that my body refuses to absorb it… and it only got worse and worse, and I was so well at hiding it, but the worse it got, the harder it became for me to hide it. I know you saw it yourself. You saw the way I’ve been going through these changes for the past few weeks, months even.”_

 _“B-but why, Sooyoung?_ **_Why_ ** _would you hide this from me?” Roseanne tried really hard not to cry, but it was so heavy. “We’ve been together for almost fifteen years, Sooyoung. You_ **_know_ ** _you can trust me.”_

_“Wh- what? You think I don’t trust you?” Sooyoung looked confused._

_“Isn’t that what you’re basically implying?”_

_“No,” the older woman shook her head. “Chaeyoung-ah, I trust you with my whole life.” Sooyoung’s cold fingertips traced along Roseanne’s face, getting rid of the tears falling from Roseanne’s eyes. Roseanne pulled away, so that Sooyoung couldn’t touch her face anymore, “Then what_ **_was_ ** _the reason? Because it’s the only reason I can think of…”_

 _“I was scared of the truth. I was in denial. I kept trying to convince myself that it was nothing, that it’d pass by. I thought that since I’m a doctor, that I could try and fix myself and not undergo actual treatments, because I was scared. And I_ **_still_ ** _am, Chaeyoung-ah. I couldn’t accept the fact that I had a possible illness, especially because it’s an illness related to blood.”_

_It made sense. Damn, why didn’t Roseanne think of that?_

_“I know it’s weird, because I_ **_literally_ ** _work in this place, and I treat patients myself as well, but watching my dad being treated in a hospital traumatized me in a way. It traumatized me to the point that the mere thought of receiving treatment myself scared me. Because it happened to a dear one, and I’m never going to see them again. And I didn’t want it to happen to me, so I denied it. But look where that brought me…”_

_“Soo…” Roseanne shifted her chair closer to the bed. This time it was her turn to wipe away her wife’s tears. “I’m so s-”_

_“Please don’t be. If anyone should be sorry, it should be me. I ignored the symptoms, I waited for too long, and won’t you look at me now… I fucked up big time. Most people deny their illnesses after their diagnosis, but I denied my illness even_ **_way_ ** _before I got diagnosed.”_

 _“The slip and fall from yesterday only worsened the situation, and I am so fucking sorry for having to put you through this, Chae. I_ **_really_ ** _am sorry.” Was Roseanne still upset? Of course she was, but she understood where Sooyoung’s behavior was coming from. It mustn't have been easy for Sooyoung._

_“You’re the strongest person I know, you know that?”_

_“You’re really good at trying to make me feel better,” Sooyoung half joked, letting out a small chuckle. Damn, it had only been a day, but Roseanne missed the sound of it. The sound of Sooyoung’s chuckles. Home. That was the perfect word to describe it. It felt like home. No matter where they were, home would always be where Roseanne could closely listen to Sooyoung’s chuckles. “I’m being serious though… I honestly don’t know how you do it. At such a young age you were faced with a child’s worst nightmare, but you still pulled through and I’m just very proud of you.”_

_“I was just lucky enough to have my mom and Dohyun-ssi close to me and my incredible baby sisters. Let’s also not forget I have the most amazing wife who reminds me at least every day how much she loves me and that together we can dominate the world.”_

_“Dominate the world? You still got jokes, huh?”_

_“Hey, nine-year old Daeun-ah wasn’t wrong when she said that you’d be a peacemaker and I’d be a healer, I mean look at us now almost fifteen years later.”_

_“Almost fifteen years later…” Roseanne repeated Sooyoung’s last words. It hit her that she had spent more than a decade with the one person she loved the most. “We experienced so much shit together, yet it feels like only yesterday I spotted you in that library…”_

_“Well, you know what they say,” Sooyoung said in the most obvious way. Roseanne knitted her eyebrows together, “What_ **_do_ ** _they say?”_

_“Time really flies when you’re enjoying yourself.”_

_“You should really stop reading corny quotes you find on Google,” Roseanne giggled. “Doesn’t change the fact that it’s true… time really does fly.”_

_“It does.”_

_Their hands found each other again, holding so tightly onto each other._

_“Chaeyoung-ah…”_

_“Hm?”_

_“I’m scared.” The fear in Sooyoung’s eyes was very telling. Roseanne hadn’t seen this look on Sooyoung’s face, ever. She didn’t know what to say, especially because she was scared as well. Scared was an understatement though. Mortified, maybe. Seeing Sooyoung being supported by all those machines feared Roseanne._

_“I- I’m sorry, that was selfish of me.”_

_“No,” Roseanne shook her head, “what are you sorry for?”_

_“Telling you how scared I am when you’re most definitely feeling the same way, maybe feeling even more scared than me? I can read your face.” Sooyoung must’ve seen the same expression on Roseanne’s face that Roseanne had seen on Sooyoung’s._

_“You don’t have to be sorry for telling me when I can read your face as well. We’re both scared…”_

_“Right…” Sooyoung sadly chuckled._

_“Look at me,” Roseanne ordered her wife. She took Sooyoung’s hand in both of her hands before continuing, “I wasn’t lying when I said you are the strongest person I know, Sooyoung.” Roseanne wanted to tell Sooyoung she’d be okay. That she’d get through this. She wanted to tell her so badly that everything would be alright, but she couldn’t. It felt as if some invisible force was threatening her not to say it. Maybe that force was herself? Maybe because she knew that if things wouldn’t be alright, she’d only blame herself for being so naive. She wasn’t supposed to think like this. She tried to be positive. She wanted to be strong, not only for herself, but for her wife as well. Her beautiful wife who looked in unimaginable pain. If only real life was like in the movies… a kiss to heal the pain. Life would be so much easier, but it wasn’t._

_“I will_ **_always_ ** _admire you… and I will be by your side during this whole process. I am not leaving your side. Day and night, I’ll be here with you.”_

_And Roseanne did, in fact, keep her word. She stayed by Sooyoung’s side for a week, a week became two weeks, two weeks became three weeks, three weeks became a month and a half. She was always there with Sooyoung whenever she could. Every day was the same; She would wake up in her lonely bed earlier than usual to see Sooyoung in the hospital before heading to work. Once she finished her hours, she’d go straight back to the hospital to spend the rest of the day with her wife until the nurses would tell her visiting hours have ended, and go back home between eleven o’clock and midnight. During the weekends she was allowed to sleep over on a very uncomfortable couch, but it was a sacrifice she was willing to make._

•

_Today was a peaceful Saturday afternoon. Roseanne got to the hospital in the early morning and was working on her case, as usual._

_“It’s snowing…” Roseanne heard the sweet voice of her wife. Her voice sounded weaker as the days went by. Roseanne was still clinging onto that hope that Sooyoung would get through it, but by the looks of it, it looked like the situation wasn’t booking any progress._

_Roseanne looked up from her laptop, and followed Sooyoung’s gaze. Thousands of snowflakes falling from the sky. The first snow of the year._

_“Are you thinking what I am thinking?” Sooyoung asked, making eye contact with Roseanne._

_“You want to go outside, don’t you?” Roseanne giggled, followed by Sooyoung excitingly nodding her head. No matter how old the latter was, the child in her would never fade away. Roseannne didn’t know if that was supposed to be cute or rather concerning. “Okay, let me just finish writing this conclusion.”_

_Sooyoung sighed, “I’m pretty sure that can wait… you’ve been working your ass off, babe. You’re always on that damn device, I’m starting to think you’re cheating on me wit-”_

_“Why would the thought of me cheating on you_ **_ever_ ** _cross your mind?” Roseanne was offended, to say the least. Hurt that her wife would think so low of her. Had she not been loving and caring for Sooyoung enough for Sooyoung to make such an assumption?_

_“Baby, chill. You didn’t even let m-”_

_“No, I don’t think I will. I’ve been in this place, day and night by your side whenever I can. I only have my work to distract me from this whole situation, so for you to think that I’m cheating on you is not something I take lightly. I understand that our communication hasn’t been the best, but cheating on you wouldn't even be the_ **_last_ ** _thing on my mind.”_

 _“And like I said earlier, you didn’t even let me finish my sentence. I was going to say I’m starting to think you’re cheating on me with_ **_your laptop_** _, not with another person. I would never think like that of you, Chae...”_

_Well, if that wasn’t embarrassing._

_“Look, I understand that the situation we’re in right now isn’t the most optimistic situation and that your work obviously helps you distract yourself from all of this, and I swear to you that I’m still sorry for putting you through all of this, but you just seem to work a lot and I want you to take care of yourself and rest as well.”_

_Roseanne hated this. She hated everything about this._

_“How many times do I have to tell you to please stop apologizing for something you’re not in charge of?”_

_“I_ **_still_ ** _could’ve prevented this… if only I hadn’t been so stubborn with accepting this, I could’ve gotten a proper treatment sooner. My stubbornness is what led me here, it’s what led you here, it’s what led Seulgi-unnie here, it’s what led my parents here, it’s what led my sisters here… it’s what led everyone here…”_

_“You still can’t blame yourself for this. What is blaming yourself going to do? Are you gonna sit here and think about what you should've done or are you going to work towards your recovery and look at the future?”_

_“You don’t understand this…”_

_“I_ **_do_ ** _understand, because I was in your position as well. Though, I’d be lying if I said I’m not_ **_still_ ** _in that position. Hypocritical of me, right?”_

_“What do you mean you’re in the same position?”_

_Roseanne hadn’t told Sooyoung about this. She felt as if she had to be strong for both Sooyoung and herself, so she avoided talking about this as much as possible, but there was no backing out now. “I mean that I keep making crazy hypothetical situations where I would’ve gotten home earlier and found you there. If I wasn’t being such a workaholic that day and if I had just respected my hours, the damage could’ve been reduced.”_

_“But it was a heavy case and you really wanted to get it done… that’s not your fault.”_

_“Same as you, the trauma you experienced prevented you from getting the help you needed, it wasn’t your fault either…”_

_“If it’s not my fault, then why do I_ **_always_ ** _feel guilty?” Roseanne wished she could answer that. She really wished she could say something useful, but nothing. She just looked at Sooyoung, with lots of emotions twirling in her head._

_“I’m really sorry for putting you through this.”_

_“Do you_ **_genuinely_ ** _think you’re forcing me into this?”_

 _“All the time. I see you Chaeyoung-ah, I’m not blind. I_ **_know_ ** _you have sleepless nights. You go home late at night and come back here just to see me in the morning before having yet another tiring day at the firm. Then once you finish work, you come back here and continue to work your ass off on that shitty couch. On the weekends, you are here in the early morning and the first thing I see when I open my eyes is my overworked wife on the other side of the room on that laptop. It breaks my heart to see you this way, and I can’t help but feel guilty.”_

_Roseanne got up from the couch and got closer to Sooyoung, grabbing the nearest chair and sitting next to Sooyoung’s bed. “You shouldn’t be. You didn’t force me into anything, alright? When I asked you to marry me, I knew I would have to deal with the ups and downs that come in our relationship. I chose to deal with it, because I signed up for the whole package. What kind of wife would I be if I were only to stay during the good times?”_

_“You’re so mushy,” Sooyoung managed to smile through the teary eyes. Despite the drastic changes in Sooyoung’s physical appearance, her smile would always hold some type of magic to Roseanne. The power of Sooyoung’s smile would never change, always as strong._

_“I miss you,” Sooyoung said._

_“I miss you as well.”_

_Their physical contact had been strongly limited. Their conversations had been slacking. Obviously, they missed one another._

_“I’ll go get a nurse to ask if we can get you in a wheelchair and go outside, okay?”_

_Sooyoung simply nodded her head in confirmation._

•

_Roseanne pushed Sooyoung’s wheelchair out of the building as the automatic doors parted from each other. The hospital garden was covered by a thick white surface. Snowflakes fell on the two women, splashing onto their coats as they melted into water. The cold weather made Roseanne shiver a bit, yet her thoughts went immediately to Sooyoung. She was worried for her, but it looked like Sooyoung didn’t seem to mind the cold. The woman looked to be enjoying herself. “It’s so beautiful, Chaeyoung-ah! Don’t you think?!” Sooyoung exclaimed, turning around and attacking her wife with that million dollar smile._

_Roseanne agreed, “It is, it looks like a scenery you’d see in a K-drama!” They were the only ones outside. The latter walked them around the garden, taking in the fresh air. Sooyoung stretched her arms out, inhaled deeply and let the air out. Roseanne picked out her phone and started snapping photos of her wife._

_“Yah, what are you doing?” Sooyoung giggled, covering her face with the winter gloves the nurses made her wear._

_“Aish, don’t hide your face now! You looked really cute!” Roseanne argued, followed by a very warm laugh. “What’s your definition of ‘cute’?_ **_Please_** _, have you seen me lately? I look like a degraded version of Snow White.”_

_“You don’t.”_

_“You don’t have to lie, you know? There’s a mirror in that room, I’m not blind.” It was true that Sooyoung’s body and appearance had gone through some massive changes. Pale/yellowish skin, yellow eyes, purple lips, the bags under her eyes, the massive loss of weight in not only her body, but especially in her face. The roundness in her face was no longer, instead her bones stuck out more, but despite all of that, Roseanne still thought of her wife as the most beautiful person._

_“If only you could see yourself through my eyes, you’d know I’m not lying. You’re still the same beautiful girl I instantly fell in love with and I don’t care how much I’ll have to mention that.”_

_“Even when I look one breath away from my deathbed?” Sooyoung joked. She did that a lot lately, joking about the possibility of her dying. Roseanne supposed it was Sooyoung’s way of coping, but she didn’t like it. It only made her feel more anxious._

_“Don’t joke about such things.”_

_“Whatever,” Sooyoung shrugged it off. The two stayed in the garden for a bit more, appreciating the beginning of the new season, until Roseanne noticed Sooyoung was starting to shiver._

_“We should get inside, you’re going to freeze if we stay here.”_

_Roseanne led them back inside, and headed to the elevator when Sooyoung stopped her once again, “Wait, do you think we can make a stop at the pediatric ward? I kind of want to see my ex-patients.”_

_“They’re not your ex-patients,” Roseanne corrected her wife. “Are you sure you want to see them though?” Sooyoung was asked by the hospital staff multiple times before if she wanted to visit her patients in the pediatric ward. Those kids had been asking for her for some time, but the woman kept declining the offer, feeling herself unable to face them. Roseanne wondered what changed Sooyoung’s mind, hence why she asked her that question._

_“Yeah I am, it’s been so long I think I might forget their faces.”_

_“Okay then, you’ll have to lead me the way though,” Roseanne said._

_It didn’t take too long for them to make it there.The energy in this ward felt far more different than all the other wards. Whereas the ward where Sooyoung was getting treated radiated a lot of bad and dark energy, this ward felt much livelier. Maybe it was because of the bright colors, the drawings, the decorations? Or maybe it was because children were inherently more optimistic than adults, always trying to see the positive things in the worst situations._

_“I feel like a stranger in my own jargon,” Sooyoung muttered, still understandable enough for Roseanne to make out her wife’s words._

_“We don’t have to stay here if you don’t feel ready enough for it.”_

_“I really want to see them, and talk to them, but what if they won’t recognize me anymore? What if I’ll scare them? What if they’ll judge me?”_

_“I don’t want to invalidate your feelings, but I feel like you’re being a bit paranoid, maybe? These kids_ **_personally_ ** _asked for you. You’ve treated some of these kids for months, years even… a pretty face is not so easy to forget. And weren’t you the one telling me how non-judgy these kids were? You told me they were so accepting when you told them you have a wife and not a husband, so why would they judge you for your health or your appearance? I think the last thing they would want is to make you feel shitty, they just miss you. But if you really don’t feel ready enough, we can stop by another time.”_

 _Sooyoung shook her head, “I_ **_am_ ** _ready, just… stay by my side, please?”_

_She had been internally dying to see her patients again. It wasn’t very common for doctors to have a super close bond with their patients, but for Sooyoung it was different. She treated these kids as if they were her own, she listened to their stories from school, she listened to their dreams, and some would even tell her their biggest secrets. It was wholesome. No wonder why they missed their favorite doctor, especially when she knew their bodies and essentials for their treatments like no other._

_“I’ve been by your side ever since I stepped foot in this buildi-” Roseanne was cut off, by a low and husky voice, “Sooyoung-noona? Annyeong, I didn’t expect you here.”_

_Sooyoung recognized that voice. It was one of her colleagues and close friends, Cha Eunwoo. He visited her a few times in her hospital room during his lunch breaks, and updated her about her patients, since a few of them were now under his care._

_“Eunwoo annyeong, I eh- I came here to see my patients. A little bird told me they really missed me, so I finally came here to surprise them.”_

_The younger man flashed Sooyoung a smile, “I bet they’re gonna love to see you again as well. Minji just asked for you, though I couldn’t tell her when you’d come see her.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yeah, you’re an amazing doctor, why wouldn’t she? Chaeyoung-ssi, it’s nice to see you again as well by the way,” the young doctor politely smiled and bowed down, realizing Sooyoung was accompanied by her wife._

_“Likewise,” Roseanne greeted him back. Eunwoo led the two women to Minji’s room. She was one of the many regular patients Sooyoung had. Sooyoung gently knocked on the door._

_“You may enter!” A sassy little voice spoke up. Sooyoung and Roseanne both giggled as the latter pushed the wheelchair inside the room._

_A loud gasp left the little girl’s mouth as she noticed who was walking in. “Dr. Sooyoung?! You’re back?! I missed you!” The little girl yelled, unable to keep her excitement on the low._

_“Minji, I missed you as well…” Roseanne observed the interaction between her wife and her wife patients. The change in Sooyoung’s mood and behavior was noticeable._

_“Doctor Eunwoo is treating me now, he told me you won’t treat me because you’re not feeling well?” The seven year old girl’s concern grew in her tone._

_“That’s right… I don’t really feel well, I heard you asked for me last week, I’m sorry I couldn-” The doctor was cut off by the kid, “Don’t say sorry, doctor Sooyoung. You needed to rest, right? You are ill, so you need to rest well, right?” Roseanne was quite shocked with the little girl’s understanding. She was more understanding than most people she had come across with in her working field as a lawyer, and she was only seven years old._

_“That’s right,” Sooyoung smiled. Not one of those forced smiles, it was a real one._

_“You’ll come back though, right? You’ll feel better and will be my doctor again if I get sick again, right?”_

_“I will_ **_try_ ** _to do my best to get better,” was all Sooyoung could say._

_“I know you will, doctor Sooyoung!” Oh how much Roseanne wanted to cry at this interaction._

_“How about you Minji, how are you feeling? Doctor Eunwoo told me last week your belly started aching so you had to get checked in?”_

_“Hmm, I still get a lot of bellyaches, but they’re not super bad like the first days anymore,” the nine-year old said as she rubbed her belly._

_“Yeah, it’s going to take some time for you to feel like your old self, but you’ll see that by Christmas, you’ll be back home already. Doctor Eunwoo will make sure to give your new diet plan to your parents, and as long as you follow that plan, you won’t have to come back to sleep here. Only come back here for regular check-ups.” It was crazy how up to date Sooyoung was with her patients, despite not having seen them for so long. “I’ll be home already by Christmas, jinja?! That’s two more weeks!”_

_“Even before Christmas! One week before Christmas, that’s next week already!” The mention of Christmas made Roseanne feel uneasy. Wondering where and how she would celebrate it with Sooyoung this year. That was_ **_if_ ** _they were even going to celebrate it this year._

_“Doctor Sooyoung, can I ask you another question?” Minji asked, this time in a softer tone, almost a whisper._

_“Sure, shoot!”_

_The little girl did hand gestures, signalling Sooyoung to come closer. Sooyoung pushed the sides of her wheelchair and got closer to her former patient._

_“Is that beautiful girl your wife?” The seven-year old whispered, but Roseanne could still make out what was asked, causing a playful smile to creep on her face. Sooyoung turned her head to face Roseanne, then focused again on Minji, “It is. That’s my wife, Chaeyoung.”_

_“Annyeong!” Roseanne waved at the little girl, who eagerly waved back._

_“How long have you been married?”_

_“A little bit nosy, aren’t we?” Sooyoung teased her patient. “We’ve been together for thirteen years, married for six years.”_

_The little girl’s jaw dropped, “That’s long! Is she like your best friend as well?”_

_“She’s my_ **_soulmate_ ** _even.”_

_“Does doctor Sooyoung also take care of you when you’re sick?” She now asked Roseanne._

_“She does, she’s the best doctor there is. But now it’s my turn to take care of her.”_

_The couple stayed a bit more with Minji, visited other patients who used to get treated by Sooyoung, until the latter couldn’t fight against her fatigue. By now they were back in Sooyoung’s hospital room, Sooyoung was already installed in her bed by the nurses._

_“Thank you for accompanying me, by the way.”_

_“Nothing to thank me for. Besides, your patients are sweet little fighters, they love you so much, and it was nice to see you in your element as well. It reminded me of our first Christmas at the hospital. You’re just gifted when it comes to kids…” Was it strange that Roseanne’s desire to have kids with Sooyoung only grew stronger after their little afternoon with Sooyoung’s younger patients?_

_“I can’t wait to have kids of our own...” Roseanne said._

_“If I make it out alive, that is…” There it was again. The dark humor._

_“Not funny.”_

_“Wasn’t trying to be.”_

_Roseanne rolled her eyes and concentrated on the conclusion she was supposed to finish writing earlier today._

_“I’m sorry. I can’t wait either. The thought of a mini you or mini me would always spring my mind whenever I’d treat these little fighters,” Sooyoung confessed, trying to rekindle their conversation. “_ **_If_ ** _I recover and leave this place, I’d love to start a family with you.”_

_“Why do you keep saying ‘if’, why can’t you ever say ‘when’?”_

_“Because, I don’t want to give anyone false hope, Chae… especially you. I don’t want to feed you into an idea that_ **_might_ ** _not exist. I don’t want to do that to you.”_

_Roseanne couldn’t think of anything to say back, so she gave Sooyoung a final look before getting back to work._

The sound of an alarm clock disturbed Roseanne from her slumber. 

**07:00 AM**

That’s what displayed on the digital clock.

“I really slept for more than eight hours? That’s a fucking first,” Roseanne mumbled to herself. She couldn’t even remember the last time she slept for so long, without waking up in the middle of the night, without any disturbances, though she couldn’t exactly say she wasn’t disturbed by what went on in her mind during her sleep. Yet another memory of Sooyoung. There were so many memories. Too many memories. She just wanted for them to stop. She wanted to be free from the past, but at the same time, the past was all she had.

  
  


•

“Ma’am, we have arrived,” The man behind the wheel said to Roseanne as he looked at her through the rear view mirror. The 34-year old woman reached for her wallet and paid the driver before thanking him for his service. She put her wallet back into her purse and got out of the orange cab, following the man, who was already taking her large suitcase out of the trunk.

“Thank you so much,” she forced a smile.

“I’m just doing my job, I hope you’ll enjoy your trip and happy holidays as well!”

“I don’t think there will be anything enjoyable about this trip,” she said to herself as she was walking towards the huge building in front of her. The place was quite busy for a Sunday morning, many people walking in and out of the building. Then she remembered Christmas was in only two days, so it wasn’t strange for this place to be loaded.

Her eyes fixated on the large clock in the main hall. It was 7:41 AM, meaning she had only nine minutes left.

•

Once having a nice young man help her out putting her heavy suitcase in the overhead bin, Roseanne comfortably settled into her seat. The woman pulled her phone out of her pocket, and decided to let her friends know about her departure, before they’d get worried.

**[To Lili, Wannie - 08:00 AM]:**

Leaving Seoul for a few days, maybe even weeks? Just thought I’d let you know?

**[From Lili - 08:02 AM]:**

What do you mean you’re leaving Seoul? I thought we’d celebrate Christmas at Seungwan's place?

**[From Wannie - 08:02 AM]:**

^

**[To Lili, Wannie - 08:03 AM]:**

I’ll make sure to give you guys a call on Christmas day… I just need to leave Seoul for a while to sort things out and work on myself.

**[From Wannie - 08:03 AM]:**

Can you at least tell us where you are headed? You’re worrying us.

**[To Lili, Wannie - 08:04 AM]:**

Home, I have some unfinished businesses… 

**[From Wannie - 08:04 AM]:**

Oh okay, please take care of yourself. We love you.

**[From Lili - 08:05 AM]:**

^ What she said + call us when you can

**[To Lili, Wannie - 08:05 AM]:**

Will do, love you too.

She wasn’t lying when she said she was headed home. Only, it wasn’t the ‘home’ Wendy and Lisa initially would’ve thought of. She texted Yeri and her boss to notify them she wouldn’t be coming to the office next week and maybe the coming weeks as well. To her surprise, her boss didn’t seem to mind:

**'You’ve worked hard all year long and I can tell it hasn’t been the easiest year for you. Please take care of yourself and rest well, you deserve some time off.'**

It only made her wonder if she had been **that** obvious at the law firm. She had tried so hard not to show any ‘depressing’ signs, always known for keeping her private life apart from her career life. So for her boss to text her such a thing, could only mean one thing... She had **seen** Roseanne, she’d seen the ‘defeated’ Roseanne who pretended to be okay.

_Roseanne was lying next to Sooyoung in her hospital bed. The two had been taking silly selfies together and trying out the Christmas filters on the Instagram app. The bed was just big enough for the both of them, but Roseanne always made sure she was careful enough._

_“Excuse me,” A knock on the door interrupted Roseanne from her conversation with Sooyoung, “visiting hours are ending earlier than usual today, because of the snowstorm tonight. All visitors must exit the building in twenty minutes.” It was someone from the hospital staff, notifying Roseanne she would have to leave soon._

_It was only 9:40 PM._

_“I guess that’s my cue to leave,” Roseanne slightly groaned once the person left the room. “Go home, you really need some sleep,” Sooyoung giggled. Roseanne carefully got out of Sooyoung’s bed. “You’ll be okay here without me?” Her concern for Sooyoung had only grown stronger. She didn’t understand why her wife wasn’t recovering. If anything, she looked worse than before. Her wife’s life literally depended on those machines and monitors. Comparable to an old overused iPhone that couldn’t live without its charger._

_“I’ll be just fine, don’t worry.”_

_“You know I can’t ‘not worry’ about you…”_

_“I know you can’t, but there’s nothing you can do. I’ll see you tomorrow morning for Christmas eve, okay?” It would be so weird to spend both Christmas eve and Christmas here. The only times they’d visit the hospital for Christmas was to surprise the young patients. If you would’ve told Roseanne years ago, she would have to spend Christmas eve with her wife who’d be stuck in a hospital bed, she wouldn’t have believed you._

_Roseanne pouted as she held Sooyoung’s hand in hers, “I’ll miss you.”_

_“It’s just one night, only a few hours, I’m sure you’ll survive. Besides you look awful, they did a good thing ending visitor hours earlier, so you can get more sleep.”_

_“I’ll just pretend like I didn’t hear you say I looked awful.”_

_“Awfully beautiful,” Sooyoung cringed at her own words, “if that makes you feel better about yourself.”_

_“Being called awfully beautiful by a gorgeous woman does, in fact, make me feel better.” Roseanne tended to compliment Sooyoung’s looks more. She knew and had seen how insecure Sooyoung had gotten. The once overly confident woman she used to know, would do anything to undermine her own beauty. Roseanne felt like it was her duty to remind Sooyoung how beautiful she was, although it didn’t actually feel like a duty. The words would naturally roll off her tongue. She would never grow tired of seeing the cheesy smile on Sooyoung’s face whenever she would call her pretty or gorgeous or beautiful. ‘Shut up,’ The latter would then say, but deep down Roseanne knew Sooyoung enjoyed and appreciated the compliments._

_Sooyoung cracked a laugh, “Just go already.”_

_“You really want me gone, don’t you?”_

_“I really want to_ **_sleep_ ** _, but you’re keeping me awake,” a chuckle left her mouth._

_“Alright, I’ll leave. Just know I’ll be right here once you wake up. You might not be the first thing I see in the morning when I wake up, but I’ll always make sure I’m the first thing you’ll see in the morning.”_

_“Conceited, much?” The older woman teased Roseanne._

_“Ah jinja, I was trying to sound romantic.”_

_“Well, you failed.”_

_“Whatever,” Roseanne walked over to the small couch, where she had left her laptop before joining Sooyoung in that hospital bed. She put all her belongings into her brown leather briefcase, and made sure to close it right away._

_“Can I get a kiss before you go?”_

_“I thought you_ **_really_ ** _wanted to go to sleep?” Roseanne teased back. “Me going to sleep, requires you to give me a goodnight kiss.”_

_“You’re a grown woman, there is no reason for you to need a goodnight kiss, but if you insist.” Roseanne hovered over her wife as she stood next to her hospital bed. She closed her eyes, and leaned in, allowing their lips to meet. It was crazy how Sooyoung could still make her feel all these things inside her stomach. It was crazy how Roseanne still felt like a teenager in love around Sooyoung. She had cupped her wife’s face in her hands, who at the same time had her hands on top of Roseanne’s. Soon enough a salty flavor formed on Roseanne’s lips. Sooyoung was crying._

_“Hey, are you okay? Please don’t cry.”_

_“Yeah, I’m okay. I’m just a bit emotional.”_

_“Do you want to talk about it?”_

_“You have to leave…”_

_Roseanne glanced at her wristwatch, “Hmm… there’s still fourteen minutes left.”_

_“It’s nothing… I don’t know, I guess I’m just so grateful to have you and that makes me tear up a bit…”_

_Roseanne’s facial expression soothed upon hearing those words from her wife, “I love you so much and I am as grateful to have you, if not, even more grateful to have you.”_

_“Grateful to have an almost lifeless girlfriend?”_

_“I really wish you’d stop saying such things, Sooyoung.”_

_“Bad habit, I’m sorry.” Though it was clear that Sooyoung wasn’t apologetic at all. The latter had gotten so used to this spiral of negativity, that she’d automatically apologize when Roseanne would call her out for it, but the genuinity was never there. To say that Roseanne was scared with Sooyoung’s behavior, would be quite an understatement. The 33-year old was frightened._

_“I really am sorry.”_

_“Are you_ **_sure_ ** _of that? Because honestly, it really doesn’t feel like you are. I know you’ve told me many times how this is_ **_your way_ ** _of coping, but I really wish you could put yourself in my shoes for once, Sooyoung. I don’t like to hear you joke so easily about the possibility of you dying… especially when you_ **_know_ ** _that losing you is my biggest fear.” Roseanne didn’t even have the strength to sound angry. This argument would come up every once in a while, and she was slowly getting tired. She knew Sooyoung wasn’t doing any of it intentionally, yet she couldn’t help but feel hurt and disappointed with her wife._

_“You don’t understand, Chaeyoung-ah…”_

_‘Of course, I don’t,’ Roseanne said to herself. And it was true, Roseanne would never be able to see this from Sooyoung’s perspective. And she tried so hard to be understanding, yet it would still bother her._

_“Let’s just drop this conversation, okay? I really don’t feel like fighting you right now.”_

_“I’m_ **_really_ ** _sorry, Chaeyoung-ah.”_

_“It’s okay,” but it wasn’t. “I really should leave, before I get escorted by the security,” Roseanne tried to laugh off. It wouldn’t have been the first time the hospital security staff would’ve escorted her out of the building. “Please be safe on the road.” The weather had been shitty all day long, and only worsened during nighttime. News outlets announced the day before that all roads were to be closed at eleven o’clock, for that reason the hospital’s visiting hours had been limited tonight._

_“I will,” Roseanne said as she put on her winter coat Sooyoung had bought for her months ago._

_“Goodnight baby,” Roseanne planted a kiss on Sooyoung’s forehead. She made sure Sooyoung was well tucked in by the blankets, not wanting her wife to suffer from the cold tonight. “I’ll see you tomorrow, I love you.”_

_“I love you as well, goodnight.”_

•

_It was a good thing the roads were closing tonight. It was 10:41 in the evening when Roseanne made it back to her apartment, meaning it took her twice as much time to get back home from the hospital. Snowflakes were already lashing down on the roads when she left the indoor parking lot with her car. The roads were slippery so she had to drive slower than usual, and be more aware of her surroundings. She internally thanked God for making it home safely and without a scratch._

_The woman readied herself for bed in the bathroom. The image of a lifeless looking version of her wife still haunted her. It had been almost two months, but that image… it was glued on her retina. She didn’t talk about it though. Not to her best friends, not to her parents, not to her older sister, and especially not to Sooyoung. She was convinced the imagery of Sooyoung’s lifeless looking body would eventually fade away._

_Once having removed the makeup from her face, and having changed into her nightwear she left the bathroom and entered her bedroom. She never realized how empty and lonely your home could make you feel like. She was technically home, but it didn’t feel like home. The bedroom that would always be filled with Sooyoung’s giggles, the bedroom she would share with Sooyoung, it felt so… void? All Roseanne wanted was to feel Sooyoung’s arms securely wrapped around her waist again. All she wanted was to feel Sooyoung breathing close to her, as the little hairs on her neck would spring up._

_“Does Sooyoung feel the same way in that hospital room?”_

_She couldn’t have imagined what it must’ve felt like for Sooyoung. Not only was the woman ill, she was also literally locked up in a room with no colors whatsoever. Everything in Sooyoung’s hospital room was either white or grey. Roseanne wondered how the hell that was supposed to help patients feel better, unlike the vibrant and colorful hospital rooms in the pediatric ward._

_A deafening boom erupted from the skies, breaking Roseanne away from her track of thoughts. Lightning flashed inside the dark bedroom, and she literally had to clutch onto her chest. Although Winter was Roseanne’s favorite season, she had never been a huge fan of these types of weathers. It felt as if the universe was filled with anger, and taking it out on the world population. It made her feel so anxious. She was unable to fall asleep, despite her body begging her to rest. She’s had countless sleepless nights. She was exhausted, but it felt as if her brains didn’t pick up the signals. Her brains weren’t listening to her body. She took deep breaths in hopes of relieving the tightness around her chest and relaxing the tension in her muscles. She tried to focus on positive things, and it appeared to be working. Slow, but steady. Momentarily, Roseanne’s brains finally seemed to be listening to her body. All consciousness had been turned off as she dozed off in a very profound sleep._

“Excuse me?” A hand lightly shook Roseanne awake. The woman jumped from her seat, as she finally grew aware of her surroundings, “Huh? What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you from your sleep,” it was the same young man who had helped her with her suitcase earlier, “but we’ve reached our destination and I was wondering if you’d need help again with that suitcase of yours?”

“Oh, I didn’t even realize I fell asleep…” She could’ve sworn she had slept enough last night. The man opened the overhead bin and took out Roseanne’s suitcase with ease. He probably worked out. “It’s probably not my place to ask so, but is everything alright?” The man asked. “I couldn’t help but notice you crying in your sleep…” Roseanne brought her hands to her face to wipe away the tears, but they had already dried off. “Yeah, I’m alright,” Roseanne lied, in no mood to discuss her mental state to an absolute stranger.

“Okay, I’m sorry for intruding on your privacy,” He apologized, taking a slight bow. “You weren’t. Thank you for getting my suitcase by the way.”

“No problem! Well, we better get off before they close the doors.” The two of them took the exit of the wagon.

**‘GWANGJU SONGJEONG STATION’**

“It feels so weird to be back,” Roseanne said to herself. She came here without a plan. Didn’t even reserve a hotel. All she did was buy a one way ticket from Seoul to Gwangju in the heat of the moment. Actually, there was a plan. Her plan was to find some sort of closure. But she didn’t exactly think it through. So here she was, wandering inside the station, trying to figure out what she would do.

Her eyes targeted a tourist office, and before she even knew it she had already booked a stay for one night at a hotel thirty minutes away from the station.

“Follow me, I’ll take you to your hotel room.” Roseanne followed the employee who led her to her hotel room. She arrived in a large room. Very neat. The walls were clothed with Christmas decorations, making the room look less businesslike. She was left alone in the room, and approached the window. Though it was daytime, the streets were illuminated by streetlights. It was Winter after all. Not so far away from the hotel was Gwangju’s residential hospital. Was it weird to feel Sooyoung’s presence by just looking at a building? Most probably, yeah.

“I’m crazy…”

_Aggressive knocks rang through the apartment. Roseanne could hear distant voices calling out her name, the woman was in such a deep slumber that she thought the voices were coming from her dream._

_“Chaeyoung-ah, open that fucking door, please!”_

_“Chaeyoung-ah, we’re breaking that fucking door if you don’t open up!” It sounded like her best friends’ voices. “You better have not done anything stupid, Roseanne. I fucking swear!” Those last five words woke her up._

_“What the fuck is going on?” She shot her head up as her heart beat in her throat. She looked at the digital clock on her nightstand._

**_December 24, 2030._ **

**_10:12 AM_ **

_“Fuck, I overslept,” she was supposed to be at the hospital hours ago. It looked like her body was really depleted and took advantage of her fatigue to reload itself. She hadn’t slept for so long in such a long time. She was supposed to feel better about it, but she felt sick in her stomach. She probably made Sooyoung wait for her._

_“For fuck’s sake Chaeyoung-ah, open please!” She heard the desperate voice of Wendy. What was going on? She got out of her bed and exited her bedroom to go open the front door. The banging on the door made her head throb. She struggled with the key, but finally succeeded to unlock the door._

_“Thank God,” Lisa said as she exhaled deeply, almost in a relieving tone. Roseanne was attacked in such a tight embrace by both her friends, she didn’t even have the time to read their faces. She didn’t even have time to analyze the situation. Why were her best friends crying? Why weren’t they giving her air to breathe?_

_“You scared us so much, Chae.”_

_“We’re so so sorry.”_

_What the hell were they talking about? What was going on? Why would she scare them and most importantly, what were they sorry for?_

_“Sorry for what? You guys are scaring me…”_

_Her friends removed themselves from Roseanne, and looked at her confused._

_“You didn’t hear?”_

_“Hear what? All of this would be easier if you’d just tell me what the hell is going on!” Her friends looked at her in fear. She had never seen them look so fearful before, meaning it was serious._

_Wendy spoke up, “It’s Sooyoung…” but she couldn’t continue. Her vocal chords weren’t allowing her to end that sentence._

_“She passed away,” Lisa finished for Wendy._

_Roseanne didn’t know what was worse, the fact that Sooyoung possibly left the world or the fact that she was sleeping so peacefully while her wife had already possibly left. She heavily shook her head, “She didn’t. You’re lying, Sooyoung is still alive.” She was refusing to believe it. “She did, Chae… doctors said she suffered fro-” “I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t want to hear any of this!” She covered her ears like a kid would do. Sooyoung wasn’t dead. There was no way. They were just together last night. Sooyoung promised they’d spend Christmas eve together. There was no way the universe would be so cruel to take Sooyoung away from her like that._

_“Chaeyoung-ah…”_

_“Who told you this? Why am I only finding out now? I should’ve been the first one to know_ **_if_ ** _it’s true.”_

 _“It_ **_is_ ** _true.”_

 _“Shut up!” She was acting on her emotions. Letting them get the best of her, but her best friends understood her. “It’s_ **_not_ ** _true! We were together last night and I told her, I_ **_promised_ ** _her I would be the first one she would see when she opens her eyes!” It felt as if an arrow had just shot her in the chest, targeting her heart._

_“We’re so sorry, Chaeyoung-ah…”_

_“Apparently the hospital rang your phone a few times, but they were left with no response from your end. They called her parents, who called Seulgi-unnie, who called us. Both me and Seungwan called you multiple times, but you were unresponsive, so we got here as fast as possible. We thought you heard about the news already and had done something stupid, Chaeyoung-ah… you weren’t opening the door.”_

_Guilt washed all over Roseanne. Not necessarily because she worried her friends, mainly because she was sleeping like a log when the worst had possibly happened. “I- I was asleep… I- I just got woken up by your banging,” she was so ashamed of herself. “Oh God, I’m so fucking horrible!” The woman grabbed her head by her hair, so frustrated with herself._

_“You’re not h- yah, where are you going?!” Wendy asked, watching her best friends grab her keys and storming out of the apartment. Roseanne didn’t respond. She would only waste more time._

_“Roseanne, where are you going?!” She could hear her friends chase after her, but she was faster. Closing the door of the elevator before they even had the chance to block them from closing._

_There was a lot of snow on the road. Roseanne was so tense behind that steering wheel, afraid that the heavy wind would swipe her and her Mercedes off the road._

_“Please just let it not be real,” she cried as she drove as fast as she could, still respecting the newly imposed speed limit during this weather._

_“Damn it, Sooyoung!”_

_She felt so relieved yet so anxious once the familiar building appeared in front of her windshield. In her head, she was still convinced that Sooyoung was alive. Clinging onto that slight possibility that there must’ve been some terrible misunderstanding. A mistake. Because honestly, Sooyoung couldn't be dead. Though her wife’s situation wasn’t exactly getting better, she was doing so well yesterday. What the fuck could’ve happened?_

_Roseanne ran past the reception and took the familiar way that would lead her to Sooyoung’s room. She couldn’t give two fucks about people looking weirdly at her. Her wife’s life was literally on the line. Finally, she made it to the ward she had entered and exited so many times to the point that she had lost count. The closer she would get to Sooyoung’s room, the worse the anxiety would get._

**_5730_**. _Sooyoung’s room. She pushed down the door handle, but the door didn’t open. There were so many thoughts sprouting in her head as she tried to get that door open, using all her body weight against the door, she was starting to hurt herself. If there were two words to describe Roseanne, it’d be: mad woman._

_“Why is it fucking locked?!” She tried to slam the door open once more, but sank to her knees. She was crying out loud, as if that was supposed to help her at all. To some, it might’ve looked like Roseanne was overdoing it, that she was exaggerating, but the dark cloud that had just overshadowed her body and spirit was something she would never wish upon anyone._

_“I just want to see her,” Roseanne sobbed. She wanted to see Sooyoung one more time. She wanted to hear Sooyoung one more time. She wanted to feel Sooyoung one more time. One more time._

_“Chaeyoung-ah,” She felt someone sit down next to her as they held her in their arms. She was too hurt, too emotionally affected by what was happening that she couldn’t identify the person trying to comfort her._

_“They took her to the mortuary department,” the person next to her said._

_“Then it must be a mistake! They need to get her back in this room!” She was in denial. She was trying to protect herself from reality, by refusing to believe Sooyoung was dead. “I just want to see her,” the emotional weight was starting to creep inside her mind, deepening the pain._

_“Me too… me too, Chae,” the person next to her cried. It was Seulgi-unnie._

_The two of them sat down on the floor, right in front of Sooyoung’s room, crying in each other’s arms, mourning the loss of their loved one. If finding Sooyoung’s bloody body in their apartment a few months back wasn’t traumatizing enough, this definitely was. “She was supposed to come back home one day, unnie…” The pounding in her head felt like a loud alarm clock. She lost her wife. Her best friend. Her soulmate. Her world. Her future. All at once. In just one snap. God, life was so cold._

_“Sooyoung was supposed to return…”_

  
  


December 24th, 8:57 AM, Seoul National University Hospital. Cause of death: sudden cardiac death. Till this day there were still so many questions. Especially because SCDs were rarely related to anemia. There had to be a more underlying issue, but nothing was found. It was reported that Sooyoung suffered from an anxiety attack that lasted for an hour, that maybe the attack was one of the factors that increased the malfunction of the electric system in Sooyoung’s heart. Roseanne barely understood what was told to her that day. She received psychological assistance along with medical assistance after Sooyoung’s death from the hospital, though it didn’t seem to work. She cancelled after a month and dove into her work to distract her from everything. 

Now, here she was almost a year later. God, time flew by really fast. Time was such a weird concept. Sooyoung would always mention how quickly time would pass when you enjoyed yourself, but Roseanne couldn’t exactly say she had truly enjoyed herself throughout the past year. Sure, there were some moments where she would feel good about herself, but as soon as she became conscious of the good feeling, it would be replaced by dark and depressing thoughts.

 _‘How dare you be happy?’_ That little voice would say, guilt tripping her.

It hadn’t been near to easy at all. Many times she just felt like giving up, but there was also this big force holding her back from doing anything stupid. It was scary sometimes, especially yesterday. She was so sure she heard Sooyoung’s voice or at least, it sounded like her, but it wasn't possible, was it? Sooyoung was gone.

“She’s gone…” but why was it so hard to believe?

•

The rest of Roseanne’s day was spent in her bed in the hotel room, rewatching old photos and videos of Sooyoung on her phone. Lots of photos from when they were college kids, lots of photos of them with Sooyoung’s younger sisters, lots of photos with them with Roseanne’s family from when they would visit Australia as well. The woman came across a photo of her and Sooyoung in a park in Melbourne. It was their first time in Australia together in that photo. They had spent their second Christmas together in Roseanne’s hometown. Roseanne remembered their day in the park so well. December 21st, 2017.

  
  


_Roseanne dedicated this whole day to giving Sooyoung a personal tour in the city, showing her girlfriend the main attractions and her personal favorite spots. Finally, they had arrived at the last main attraction of the day, Melbourne’s park. The two young girls were sitting down on rocks near the lake, having a conversation of their own while watching people walk by. “I still can’t believe I’ll be spending Christmas in Summer for the first time in my life, this feels so weird.”_

_“It was weird for me to spend Christmas in the cold when I first moved to Korea. I had gotten so used to the heat from here.”_

_“Aish, why can I perfectly imagine 13-year old you complaining about the cold?”_

_“Shut up, you would’ve complained as well! Though, I must admit that the cold weather makes Christmas more Christmaslike; baking cookies, drinking hot chocolate, watching Christmas movies while wrapped in the thickest blankets. This doesn’t happen here.” She rested her head on Sooyoung’s shoulder and closed her eyes. The sun was so strong._

_“Yah, don’t fall asleep on me, you still have to show me the rest of the park,” Sooyoung slightly nudged Roseanne, making the younger girl giggle. “Fine,” Roseanne shot right up and offered a hand for Sooyoung._

_“Where are you taking me?”_

_“You’ll see, come on now!”_

_The couple walked along the lake, arms linked with each other. Contrasting to the naked trees in Korea, the trees were fully clothed with leaves. It felt like a typical Summer day in the middle of Winter. Roseanne kept sharing stories from her childhood and Sooyoung listened attentively._

_“You see that tree over there?” The girl pointed with her index finger at a crooked tree. “Hm, the crooked one?”_

_She nodded her head, “Yep, When I was about the age of 8, we came here with our elementary teacher on a beautiful afternoon. I climbed that tree, but as I wanted to get back down I fell flat on my face and scratched my knees. I was bleeding a lot so my teacher had to take me to the park’s first aid post.” Sooyoung squinted her eyes to have a better look of the tree. “Yah, it’s quite high, why did you think it’d be a good idea to climb it?” She asked, followed by her laugh._

_“Because I was_ **_eight_ ** _, eight year olds don’t really think, they just do shit!” Roseanne’s defensive stance made her girlfriend laugh even harder. “And some boys in my class were being really annoying and kept saying girls were scaredy cats so I challenged them: whoever could climb the highest won the bet and would be treated like royalty all school year long. Climbing up the tree was actually easy… climbing down the tree was a whole different story.”_

_“So you decided to ruin that pretty face of yours just to boost up your ego?”_

_“I did, and don’t judge me, because from the childhood stories you’ve told me, you’ve done far worse than me.”_

_“At least I didn’t sacrifice my face to get attention.”_

_“Yah, you’re acting like my face is still ruined! I’m bruiseless now,” Roseanne playfully slapped Sooyoug’s arm._

_“Hm, I think you still have a bruise on your face,” Sooyoung said, suddenly her face expression turned into one of concern._

_“Huh? Where?”_

_“Right there,” Sooyoung leaned in and kissed her girlfriend on the lips._

_“Greasy,” Rosenne said as she pulled a cringey face, but honestly, she loved it. Every time she got to kiss Sooyoung, she just fell more in love with the girl. She really hoped that feeling would never die._

_“I’m taking full advantage of the fact that we’re able to do this in public_ **_for once_** _.” It was the first time they’d been so open about their relationship in public, and only because unlike in Korea, gay marriage and homosexuality in general were accepted here. Gay marriage had been legalized in Australia as of recently. And by recently, they meant like a few days ago; on December 9th, 2017._

_“I really wish we can be like this in Korea one day.”_

_“Me too.”_

_“So, this is the infamous tree that made you act up,” Sooyoung stated when they got to the tree._

_“Yep, this is also the spot where I realized I liked girls, or at least a girl.”_

_“How so?” Sooyoung was curious to find out about this story._

_“I was twelve years old. It was on a Sunday and I came here with my best friend, because she had something really important to tell me.”_

_“Omo, she confessed to you?”_

_Roseanne shook her head, “Worse.”_

_“Well, stop lingering and tell me what happened!”_

_“You’re so impatient,” Roseanne chuckled. “She wanted to meet up with me, because she wanted to tell me how she just got in a relationship with one of our classmates. I didn’t realize I actually liked her that way, until she told me about him, Henry Campbell. I guess I was jealous, which was weird because I was supposed to be happy for her, right?”_

_“Aigoo, you must’ve felt devastated?”_

_“That’s not even the worst part.”_

_“There’s a ‘worst part’?”_

_Roseanne nodded her head, “She asked me if she could practice kissing, so she wouldn’t embarrass herself when she would have to kiss him. I was stupid enough to actually say yes, because well… I had an opportunity and I grabbed it. That kiss only confirmed everything I was questioning myself about.”_

_“Yah, why are all of your childhood stories so heartbreaking?”_

_“Are you crying?” Roseanne asked Sooyoung, catching a glimpse of a tear falling down her girlfriend’s cheek. She was trying so hard to hold in her laughter. “Just shut up and tell me the rest of the story. Was there a happy ending?”_

_“Yes, there was. I met another beautiful girl who goes by the name of Park Sooyoung seven years later and we became girlfriends and she’s now standing right next to me under this tree as I’m telling her about the happy ending.”_

_“Really funny, now tell me the actual story,” Sooyoung jokingly punched Roseanne. You’d almost think that playfully slapping or punching each other was their way to show affection to one another. “I mean, clearly, there was no happy ending or I would’ve been with her under this tree now. I kept it to myself for months until the day before I left for the international boarding school in Korea. She was definitely grossed out by the idea of me liking girls, because we never talked since then.”_

_“Ouch, she sucks.”_

_“I mean, she was only twelve.”_

_“So? I was eleven when Seulgi came out to me, but I never pushed her away or thought grossly of her. Matter of fact, I treated it as if it was the most normal thing in the world, because it_ **_is a_ ** _normal thing to like someone of the same gender.”_

_“If only more people understood that, we’d live in a better society.”_

_“I’m sorry you went through that by the way.”_

_“It’s all good, it was years ago”_

_Roseanne showed Sooyoung more places in the park until they had to get back to their hotel to get ready for their dinner with Roseanne’s family. It would be the first time Sooyoung would meet them in real life. She had met them virtually before and chatted with them whenever Roseanne would FaceTime them, especially her mother. Roseanne didn’t know what to expect from the dinner. According to her sister, Alice, her parents didn’t exactly talk to each other since the divorce, but they promised to not make things awkward for Roseanne and Sooyoung’s sake. She appreciated the fact that they’d try to be mature around each other, even if it would only be for one evening._

_“You’re even more beautiful in real life, I can see why my sister fell in love with you,” was the first thing Alice said once she welcomed the couple in Roseanne’s old family house. “Unnie, shut up!” It was to be expected that Roseanne would have to suffer from the teasing._

_She was more than glad that her family welcomed Sooyoung with open arms and that for once, her parents looked like they got along. She could definitely confirm that both looked happier than the last time she went to Australia. Maybe the divorce really did some good to them mentally. Though, it would still be weird to Roseanne… how did one go from loving someone to not loving them? Love was so weird._

_‘Love isn’t weird,_ **_life_ ** _is,’ Sooyoung would then say to her._

“That, it definitely is,” Roseanne said to herself, still staring at the photo of her and Sooyoung in that park in Melbourne. As the saying went: ‘ _life comes at us in waves_.’ The one second you’re in a state of happiness, and the next second the huge waves come crashing into you. You don’t even have time to run back to the shore before the next wave already pulls you back into the water. That’s exactly what it felt like for Roseanne. She hadn’t fully processed the bathroom scenery that occurred in the apartment yet, when suddenly Sooyoung’s death came knocking at her door, scarring her soul even more.

“It’s not fair…”

•

  
  


**December 24, 2031**

Today marked exactly one year. 365 days without Sooyoung. 525 600 minutes without Sooyoung; One year since Roseanne’s life changed forever. The rays of sunshine peeked through the hotel room’s windows, waking the woman up. Today would be a very heavy day, emotionally. Roseanne didn’t know if she had the courage to do it. She didn’t know if she’d be able to confront it, but if she never confronted it, then how was she supposed to move on?

“I’m not strong enough to do this,” she whispered to herself as she was balled up in the bed like a fetus in a womb.

By the time Roseanne got out of bed and left the hotel, it was already around two o’clock in the afternoon. The cab driver she had called thirty minutes ago was already outside the hotel, waiting for her. “Are you Mrs. Park Roseanne?” He asked as he opened the cab door for her. “That would be me, yeah,” she smiled. How much a smile could mask so many things.

“So where do you need me to take you?”

“Flower Works.”

“Got it!”

He drove Roseanne to the best florist in town, or so, those used to be Sooyoung’s words. Roseanne spent at least ten minutes trying to find the perfect flowers. She ended up buying a bouquet of white Calla Lilies. 

“Where off to next?” The cab driver asked Roseanne once she got back in.

She told him the destination she needed to be at, and he looked quite thrown off. Probably not the answer he thought he’d get from her. Throughout the ride, Roseanne looked out of the window. Gwangju was such a beautiful city. She had always loved being here. Key word: had. She couldn’t exactly say she enjoyed her stay here for the past twenty-four hours as all she did was think about Sooyoung, and she was almost sure this wasn’t going to change anytime soon.

She smelled the bouquet of flowers in her hands, trying so hard to not let that tear fall down. The smell was really similar to Sooyoung’s perfume, _Lily by Christian Dior_.

_“As unfair as this may sound, whether your ex-husband sues you or not will not change the fact that you are still charged for criminal offenses, criminal and civil procedures are two different things. We could go for a settlement between you and your ex-husband. For the criminal aspect of this case, we can find enough evidence that what you did was out of self-defense, there’s a huge possibility that the criminal charges will be dropped and that it won’t even appear in your criminal record. It’s a huge risk we’re taking, but if I weren’t to believe you, I never would’ve accepted this case in the first place,” Roseanne reassured her client over the phone. Once she ended the call, she let out a big sigh. Today was definitely a tough day, and it wasn’t even noon yet._

_“Have I ever mentioned how hot you look when you’re really in your element?”_

_“What the- Oh, what are you doing here?” Roseanne looked up from her phone and saw Sooyoung standing by the door of her office._

_“Ouch, not happy to see me?” Sooyoung faked a pout._

_“No, I mean yes, I mean… of course I am happy to see you, it’s just- you don’t really come here that often? So, I’m confused. Did something bad happen?” Roseanne asked in a worried tone._

_“Nope, nothing happened,” Sooyoung shook her head while a huge grin grew on her face, “I just happened to finish my shift earlier today and wanted to visit my wife to go lunch with her, is that so hard to believe?”_

_Roseanne was a bit suspicious, “What’s that behind your back?”_

_“I bought you these,” A bouquet of red roses appeared from behind Sooyoung. “Roses for Rosie,” she then said in her best Australian accent before handing the flowers to her wife. “Your accent keeps on improving,” Roseanne complimented her wife as she accepted the flowers and added them to her collection of plants and flowers on her windowsill._

_“Does it really?” Sooyoung eagerly asked. Sooyoung had always been fluent in languages, English being one of them. She used to have an American accent though, but being with Roseanne for so long influenced her accent a lot. Like a mix of both accents._

_“Mhm, you almost sound like a native Australian speaker. Thank you for the roses by the way,” she approached Sooyoung and wrapped her arms around her waist._

_“Hmm, I’m glad you like them,” Sooyoung said before kissing Roseanne’s forehead._

_Roseanne noticed a different scent, “Did you get a new perfume or did you spend too much time in that flower shop? You smell like lilies.”_

_“I didn’t. I went to the perfumier right before I went to the flower shop and tested out this new perfume called Lily by Christian Dior. You like it?”_

_“A lot,” Roseanne nodded her head._

_“Good to know, I might buy it for myself when I have time then,” but Roseanne had a better idea. She would just buy it for Sooyoung herself._

_“I want to take you out on a date, when does your lunch break start?”_

_“In like twenty minutes?” Roseanne slightly groaned. Sooyoung’s giggle filled the office, “That’s fine by me, I’ll wait for you downstairs at the reception. I love you.”_

_“I love you too,” she gave Sooyoung a quick kiss on the lips before her wife left her office._

“We’re here,” the cab driver notified Roseanne.

“Hmm?” The woman was caught off guard as she had just woken up from her daydream.

“We’ve arrived at your destination.”

“Oh, right,” she was about to take out her wallet to pay him for his service, but he stopped her before she could even reach for her purse. 

“Don’t. See it as an early Christmas gift.”

Great, he was sympathizing with her.

She was in no mood to argue with him, so she just thanked him and got out of the cab. He drove away seconds later, and she was left alone. She turned around and read the big letters of her destination. Just reading them made her stomach turn. It’d be her very first time here, and she was quite ashamed of herself that it took her this long. “I’ve got this,” Roseanne pep-talked herself before taking her first steps inside the place. The cold weather made her hands shake, though, she was sure her anxiety played a role in her shaking as well.

This place made her feel so uncomfortable. She had never liked being in such places, but then again, who did? No person willingly came here for fun, or at least no normal person would come here for fun. 

It didn’t take her super long to find the exact spot, and if reading those big letters earlier didn’t make her feel sick enough, the tiny letters on this stone definitely did.

_In loving memory of_

_Park Sooyoung_

_A loving daughter, sister, friend & wife._

_09/03/1996 - 12/24/2030_

That was reality. Sooyoung was gone. She was really gone, and there was absolutely nothing Roseanne could do to bring her back. The woman fell to her knees and broke down right in front of Sooyoung’s tombstone. She didn’t even have the words to talk to the tombstone, let alone, form words. She allowed herself to break down and just cry. Suddenly, the cold weather was the last thing on her mind. Here she was, face to face with her biggest fear… Sooyoung’s death. It was literally written on a stupid stone. It felt as if those words on the stone were making fun of her, mocking her. Funny how she was still hurting as much as the moment she found out about Sooyoung’s death. She was completely shattered. Despite being in the open air, it felt like she wasn’t getting enough air to breathe. And it went on for minutes, until finally, she was able to regain a bit of control.

“Hey stranger.” Sooyoung’s voice. It sounded exactly like her. Roseanne dabbed her eyes with her sleeves before looking up. So many questions floated in her head as she saw her, sitting right in front of her. She looked so clear and healthy, as if she never got ill in the first place. Her skin was still pale though, but a different kind of pale. She looked real, but at the same time she didn’t.

“Wh- who are you?”

Her giggle. Roseanne’s favorite sound.

“I’m me, silly.” The same humor. It was impossible, right? She couldn’t possibly be seeing Sooyoung right now.

“Sooyoung?”

“The one and only.”

Roseanne heavily shook her head, “You can’t- you’re dead. You’re not real.”

“Well, you’re kind of right… I’m not physically real as it would be impossible for me to actually **physically** be here, but if you’re able to see me, it’s because I am real in your head Chaeyoung-ah.”

“Great, maybe I **am** seeing things and maybe I should get myself checked.” Was it able to create delusions despite not being on drugs? Roseanne had no idea, but she was creeped out by this. “You’re not on drugs and you’re not high. It really is me, and it was also really me at the mall you saw.” So she was not tripping? How was Sooyoung able to read her mind?

“Because I am in your head.”

But it was impossible?

“I know it sounds crazy, but it really is me. I never left… you never allowed me to leave.”

What was that supposed to mean?

“If you never left, why does the void in my heart only enlarge more as the days go by?! If you never left, why do I miss you every single day?! If you never left, why did you leave?! Why did you leave...” Another meltdown. 

“Because you haven’t come to terms with what happened, Chaeyoung-ah. Do you think it’s fun for me to watch you every single day? Watch you reliving all those memories? Watch you shutting yourself off from everyone? Watch you literally neglect yourself? Do you honestly think I enjoy doing that?”

It was silent for a little while, “Chaeyoung-ah, this has **got** to stop. You’re not only hurting yourself, you’re harming others as well. This hasn’t only been hard on you...”

“Yeah well, can you blame me?! You were literally taken away from me in a snap! Just like that, the universe decided to take you away from me.”

“You need to let me go, Chaeyoung-ah.”

“I can’t… you know I can’t do that. Not when you were the best thing I ever had, you can’t just let go of someone like that.”

“Hey,” Roseanne watched as Sooyoung placed her hand on Rosanne’s hand, “I told you to let me go, not to completely erase me from your memory.” She didn’t know what was worse. The fact that her deceased wife was telling her to let her go or the fact that her deceased wife was touching her and she couldn’t feel a damn thing.

“Letting me go as in moving on. I want you to live your life without holding a grudge against yourself. I want you to be happy again, Chae. I want you to enjoy yourself, I want you to meet new people, maybe date new people in the future.”

“You can’t possibly be telling me to date new people in the future…”

“Why not?”

“Are you hearing yourself? Sooyoung, I made a promise to you.”

“You made a promise to me until death would do us part, and guess what happened, Chaeyoung-ah? Death **did** us part.”

“Why do you want me to date new people so bad?”

“Because I just want you to be happy, I don’t care if you’ll find that happiness in dating or in something else, but just so you know, I’m totally okay with you dating new people if you plan to do so in the future. You’re only 34 years old, you don’t know what can happen. You still have a life ahead of you.”

“I can’t let go of you, Sooyoung-ah.”

“Isn’t that what you came here for in the first place, though? To let go of me?” The ghost wasn’t wrong. Or whatever creature it was she was talking to. She came here in the hopes of finding closure, it might’ve been a subconscious move created by impulsiveness, but it still was the main reason as to why she was here. She came all the way to Gwangju to properly say goodbye to Sooyoung so she could try and start from scratch.

“I’m scared to let you go.”

“I know you are, but just know that I won’t be able to rest in peace as long as you don’t let go of me. I shouldn’t be here.”

“If I let you go, I’ll lose you forever.”

“That’s not true. I know we’ll meet again.”

“So you can read into the future as well now?” Roseanne scoffed, brushing away her tears.

“No, I can’t.” 

“Of course you can’t.”

“But I just **know** we’ll meet again, Chaeyoung.”

“How do you know for sure? How do you know for sure that the second I’ll let you go, I won’t lose you forever? How do you know for sure that one day we’ll meet again? What? Do you have like crazy super powers that tell you this?!”

“Not me… but our love does.”

“Bullshit.”

“Chaeyoung, fate has proven many times that you and I are more than just lovers. We were strangers who met exactly three times which turned into a friendship, which turned into a relationship. We’re soulmates. Do you really think that if our love wasn’t this strong, we’d be able to talk to each other right now?” She had a point.

“I miss talking to you,” Roseanne said as she shed tears.

“We’ll talk again, but for now… I need you to let me go.”

“On one condition.”

Sooyoug furrowed her eyebrows, “And that is?” 

“I need you to promise me…”

“Promise you what?”

“That we’ll meet again. That one day we’ll be able to talk to each other again. That one day we’ll be together again.” Roseanne thought she would go crazy if she wouldn’t hear Sooyoung hear those words.

Sooyoung flashed Roseanne her brightest smile, it was almost blinding. She took Roseanne’s hand in hers and fiddled with her fingers, yet nothing. It was as if she was numb, when really she wasn’t. Sooyoung wasn’t actually here after all.

“I, Park Sooyoung, promise you, Park Roseanne Chaeyoung that we’ll meet again someday. I promise you that in another life, we’ll meet again. No matter the circumstances we’ll be under, fate will bring us together and even if fate doesn’t bring us together, I’ll **fight** to find you again. I need you to trust me on that.”

“I do trust you.” She would always trust Sooyoung.

“Then I need you to finally let me rest in peace… do you think you can do that?”

Roseanne hesitated a bit. Letting go of Sooyoung would mean she’d have to start working on herself. “I don’t know how to let go of you.”

“Of course you do. You came all the way here, Chae… that’s already a big step. You’ll find a way to close this case and start a new one. I don’t know how, but I know you will. Know that I’m never fully gone. When things get too rough, just look at the stars in the sky and you’ll see me. Talk to me and I’ll listen. I probably won’t be talking back to you, but you’ll feel my presence… in a good way, not in the creepy ways you’ve been feeling my presence. I’ll watch over you.”

“You promise?”

“I already made that promise… when you were 19. We were in my old bedroom and I promised you I’d be your guardian angel who’d make it my duty to protect you.”

She did promise it. It was almost as if this whole situation was predestined.

“Are you ready to let me go now?”

“Not exactly, but I don’t really think I have a choice, do I?” She made direct eye contact with Sooyoung and swallowed the big lump in her throat.

“Park Sooyoung, I’m officially letting you go and setting you free, so your soul can finally rest.” Saying that felt as if so much weight got off her shoulders. Who would’ve thought that simple words could have such a strong impact.

“I knew you could do it. I’m so proud of you, beautiful,” Sooyoung smiled.

“Goodbye, Sooyoung.”

“Don’t say goodbye, this isn’t a goodbye, but more of a ‘May we meet again.’ or a ‘See you later!’.”

“See you later, yeah…” 

Roseanne could feel another emotional breakdown coming up, but in a good way.

Sooyoung leaned in and Roseanne wasn’t expecting anything, but a gasp escaped her mouth as she felt a pair of lips on her forehead. As soon as she opened her eyes, Sooyoung was gone. No single trace of her, as if she had never been here. Once again face to face with the tombstone. Her fingers touched the spot Sooyoung had kissed just seconds ago, and for the first time in such a long time, she genuinely smiled. She was well aware that she still had a lot to work on, but for once she felt internally at peace.

The woman stayed a bit more outside at the graveyard. Not only thinking about Sooyoung, but also about what she would do now that she finally got to close an ongoing case. Finally thinking about her future, finally thinking about moving forward in her life and finally thinking about stopping to dwell on the past.

The woman spent hours in the cold before she finally left the graveyard. As she was heading out, she came across the same big letters from earlier, ‘ **GWANGJU CEMETERY** ’, but unlike earlier, this time she didn’t feel as sick anymore. With her last step in the cemetery, she felt as if her new life was about to start.

•

Now, it was time to confront her second fear. Roseanne followed the small path that would take her to the other place she had been avoiding as well. When she finally made it to the front door, she pressed the doorbell. There was a lot of movement from the other side of the door, it kind of made her anxious. The door swung open, revealing a red-haired girl in her early twenties.

“Chaeyoung-unnie???” The younger woman was so shocked. She didn’t expect Roseanne to be here at all. 

“Daeun-ah, I c-”

Roseanne didn’t even get the chance to say another word. She was attacked in the tightest embrace, causing the gift bags in her hands to drop to the floor, but she couldn’t care less. She hugged the younger girl back, and allowed her to cry on her shoulder. Roseanne felt so horrible about herself, knowing she had tried to avoid this place for so long, when honestly, they were some of the closest people she still had to Sooyoung. “I missed you so so so much, unnie,” Daeun sobbed in Roseanne’s embrace. They didn’t want to let go of each other.

“I’m so so sorry,” Roseanne whispered. “I really am sorry.”

“I’m just glad you’re here right now, that’s all that matters to me right now.”

“I’m glad to be here as well.”

“Please come on in, you’re freezing, unnie.” Daeun helped Roseanne pick up the gift bags the latter had dropped and dragged Roseanne inside the house.

“Eomma, appa, Yunhee-unnie, look who’s here!”

“Daeun-ah, I swear if it’s one of yo- Chaeyoung-unnie?!” Yunhee’s jaw dropped.

“Chaeyoung-ah?”

“Unnie is here!” Daeun exclaimed, though the tears kept pouring down.

“Annyeonghaseyo,” Roseanne nervously smiled, “do you think there’s enough food for a fifth plate? I got all of you gifts by the way...” What an entrance.

Roseanne joined them for dinner and caught up with all of their stories. Daeun and the idol group she was in were doing so well, and preparing for their very first concerts. Roseanne promised she’d attend at least one show. Yunhee talked about her plans of opening her own studio, and Roseanne absolutely supported the idea. Talking to them made her realize how much she missed them. She apologized multiple times for shutting them off like that, but they were all so understanding with her.

“We knew it would take you time to open up to us.”

She told them about her past year and about her visit to the cemetery today, minus the whole talking to Sooyoung story, or they would’ve sent her into a mental institution without any doubt.

“Unnie,” Daeun spoke up, “what are **your** plans for the future?”

Roseanne thought for a bit. “ **Actually** take up Wendy's offer and ask her if she can get me a psychologist who can help me get over this?” she half joked. “I don’t know… I think that maybe after Seulgi-unnie’s wedding and after I’ve attended your concert, I might leave Korea for a bit. Maybe go back to Australia? Work more on myself? Set out new life goals? Who knows, maybe I’ll start my own law firm?” She had always wanted to be independent.

“We fully support you in whatever you’ll do,” Dohyun-ssi said.

“Hire me as your photographer if you’ll start your own firm and need professional photos to be taken and edited!” Yunhee shamelessly promoted herself.

“I definitely will.”

“I’m so glad you’re here with us,” Sooyoung’s mother said as she held Roseanne’s chin in her hand, “so Seulgi gave you my letter?”

Roseanne smiled at the older woman, “She did. Thank you for everything.”

“Don’t thank me. Like I said, you’re family, you’ve always been and you always will be. If anyone should be thankful, it’s me. You loved my daughter like no other. You treated her and cared for her when I couldn’t be there for her all the time, that’s a mother’s biggest wish.”

“I loved Sooyoung… I still do.”

“I know you do.”

•

Later that evening Daeun asked her _sisters_ if they could watch a Disney movie like the old days. Funny how all of them were grown adults now, yet they would never say no to the Disney classics.

“You go ahead and prepare for the movie night, I’m going outside for a bit to get some fresh air.”

Roseanne opened the door of the garden and took a seat on the terrace. Reuniting with them felt really good, as if the broken pieces were finally coming back together as one. Silent sobs left her.

“Unnie?” She heard Yunhee’s voice. “Is everything alright?” The now 30 year old woman walked closer to Roseanne and sat down next to her.

“Yeah… happy tears, I promise.”

The two of them sat in silence as Yunhee rested her head against Roseanne’s shoulder and linked their arms.

“I miss her a lot,” the younger woman said.

“I know you do… I miss her too.”

“I set everything ready for our movie night!” Daeun’s voice interrupted the quietude. Roseanne felt so nostalgic. It was as if 9 year old Daeun had never left.

“Omo, is everything alright?” The youngest walked up to them and sat down next to Roseanne’s other side. 

“Yeah, everything is good,” Roseanne reassured Daeun as she threw an arm around her.

“It feels so weird without her…,” Daeun confessed.

“She’s not really gone.”

“What are you talking about, unnie?” Yunhee asked.

“All you have to do is look up,” Roseanne looked up at the sky and her younger sisters did the same. There were so many stars, but two particular stars caught her eye. Twinkling differently than the others. It felt almost magical, as if she could actually feel Sooyoung’s presence. Sooyoung must’ve reunited with her biological father. Guess this was, in a way, a happy ending.

“She’s in the stars?” Daeun asked.

Roseanne nodded her head, “You see that star right there?”

“There are two stars…,” Yunhee said, “...but the one on the left shines brighter.”

“That's Sooyoung-unnie.”

“How do you know for sure, unnie?” Daeun curiously asked.

“Because I can feel her. She’s here, watching over us, protecting us.”

Roseanne’s gaze remained on the bright star. Just looking at it comforted her a lot. Looking at _her_ comforted her a lot. For a moment it felt like it was just the two of them, Roseanne and the star. Roseanne and Sooyoung. And Roseanne could’ve sworn the star winked at her. She didn’t know how, but it definitely did. _She_ definitely did.

“And because it's what you told me…,” she whispered at the star.

“It’s what you told me before you left.”

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> After working on this au for 6-7 months, it's finally here. I hope I didn't break you guys too much with this one. I personally want to thank 2 of my close friends, Amina and Sarah, for keeping on encouraging me to write, even when there were many days I wasn't motivated/inspired to write. This au was quite a rollercoaster and I shed lots and lots of tears writing it. I hope I was able to touch you guys as well with this story.
> 
> I'm looking forward to writing more joysé stories in the future, because there are literally 0 joysé aus on the internet.
> 
> Don't forget to leave a comment, I love reading your reactions!


End file.
